Page 143 of Goodbye Note

how do i Put it on hold?

days like Today, it feels like the universe is against us.

i’d stay up all night just to hear Your voice, but…

how many time zones can we span and still make this make sense?

Reading his journals was like a slow descent into madness. Was he not being honest about the doctor? Was it just him feeling something? If I wasn’t there, how would I ever know what’s really going on with him?

“I have to go see him. He’s not good.”

“Are you sure?”

“I know him, Vallen. I feel it in my gut. Something isn’t right.”

“Is it just because you two have been missing each other?” Vallen was always the pragmatic one.

“It feels like he doesn’t want to fucking talk to me until I get him on the phone, and then he’s happy and loving. There is something wrong.” I wasn’t going to let anyone gaslight me against what I felt.

“He’s probably as busy as we are.”

“Sure, but for weeks? He doesn’t have any downtime?” I didn’t believe it. “There is something going on. I don’t know if it’s his new meds or…” I didn’t even know what. I suspected our managers and staff were not making it easy, but he had his own goddamn phone.

“You barely have two days. That’s not enough time to get there and back.” Val frowned, clearly not happy about the risk.

“Three, since we don’t go on until nine. It’s enough time to spend twenty-four hours there. I have to do this for me. I have to make sure he’s okay.”

“If you don’t make it back…” A line formed between his pulled brows. He didn’t want to tell me no, but he also didn’t want to be forced to be between John and me. He’d always take my side, even if I was wrong, because that’s what we’d been doing since we were kids.

“Then we cancel a show. Say I’m sick. What the fuck does this job afford me if I can’t even take off in an emergency? And if he’s really fucked, and I didn’t go, I’d never forgive myself. I know that.”

“I know. Go.”

It was the longest fucking plane ride of my life because I didn’t know what I’d find on the other side. Every possibility ran through my head. He was disenchanted. Overwhelmed. Depressed. Spiraling. My mind went to all the darkest places, determined to make me miserable. But at least I’d see with my own two eyes soon.

* * *

Kiernan didn’t answer his phone. Surprise, surprise, so I had to call in a favor with the promoter to get a ticket for the sold-out show since Arik would be going onstage by the time I got to the venue. I pulled my hat low as I walked in. I could go backstage, but I didn’t want him to lose his shit mid-concert.

The place was filled wall-to-wall. All their shows sold out because the label had gone conservative on booking smaller places. It was a mistake. They should have gone big, and now they were already looking to add more.

I shifted through people, glad no one was looking at me closely in the dark. It was probably a mistake to be in the crowd, but I wanted a night off to just exist with the man I loved. I had a couple of drinks, watching him from the edges, swaying to his music.

Arik could fool anyone but me. He didn’t look good. Tired and sick and a tinge of sadness he masked with a smile. I wanted nothing more than to pull him in my arms.

“We’re going to play a new one,” Arik said when their set was almost over.

thought you were andromeda at night.

i wrote YOU into my stars

while you carved your name into my heart

gave me butterflies in the shape of galaxies

a pen to skin

let me pretend

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