Page 132 of Goodbye Note

I cupped his face.

He dipped, finding my lips. It wasn’t his normal horny, urgent kind of kiss. It carried a message my ears wouldn’t hear, and my brain rejected, but my body knew. It said: I love you for always.

I clung to him, craving the message.

“It’s not you. I don’t know how to even trust anything after—” I didn’t have to explain it. He knew.

“Your brain isn’t used to it. Good things feel unsafe because you’ve been let down by the people you should be able to trust implicitly. So your brain is looking for anything to pick this apart.”

I sighed, hating that I was this fucked up. “How do you know all this?”

“Five years of therapy will do that.”

“I never lasted that long with anyone. I couldn’t trust them.”

His fingers played through my hair. “Growing up the way you did in the spotlight, I don’t blame you. Your fucking baby pictures were published in People. You’ve been taught your whole life that details about you and your parents are worth money. So trusting someone with those secrets feels impossible.”

I rolled toward him, pressing my face into his chest. “Why does it make sense when you fucking tell me?”

“I’ve been there too. My brain tells me all sorts of lies. It’s easier for someone outside to point them out to you. It happens to me too.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, holding me tight, and it was exactly what I needed. “I’m not going anywhere, no matter what your brain tells you.”

“I hate that I have doubt. You don’t deserve that.”

“I can handle it. I’d much rather you be honest with me.”

“It’s not that easy.” Since we were already being honest, I might as well keep the trend going. What was the point in hiding it?

“Why not?”

“What about when this gets hard?” I fucking hated feeling this raw. I’d promised myself in the years after the accident, I’d never give anyone that power again, and here I was. I’d given it to him and didn’t even realize it’d happened.

“We’ll talk. It’s us. I believe in that.” He had so much faith. I loved him more for it.

“How are you so fucking sure?” I needed to hear it.

“You are one of the few people I trust. And the only person who feels good touching me.”

“But is that because you were lonely?”

“I was touch-starved the first night you slept here, but I would rather be in bed with you than doing anything else with a woman. Or anyone else, for that matter. That’s when I knew. I don’t do things halfway, Varian. I’m all fucking in.”

“Yes, you’d rather be with me because I’m safe or are you attracted to me.”I needed to hear it.

“Safe is important. Especially with what we do for a living, but I am attracted to you.” Arik nudged his nose into my forehead, so I looked up. “Do you think I have my hands on you so much because I’m not attracted to you?”

“You are insatiable.”

“I’m not like that with anyone else.”

I was quiet, processing it all. “Have you ever thought something shouldn’t be this hard? It should be easy.”

“I don’t think that. Everything in my life has been hard. Being with you has been the easiest thing. Love feels easy with you when it always felt hard with everyone else. So to me, if the thing that is hard is managing everyone else’s expectations, that’s better than feeling like love is hard or I’m unloveable.” He half-shrugged.

I surged forward to roll on top of him and hug him with both arms and legs.

He laughed, wrapping his arms around me. “Do you feel better?”

“Some.” I kissed his chest and then went for broke. “I know we’ve done a lot, and if you’re not into it, that’s okay. You don’t ever have to be if it’s, like, a line…” I was rambling. Spit it out. “Will you fuck me?”

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