Page 118 of Goodbye Note

“I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with.” I couldn’t feel like I’d forced him into this.

“And I want you to stop doubting yourself.”

“You said…” I stopped, not sure what to say.

“What did I say?” He spread my knees wider with his, pressing a hand next to my head, taking some of his weight off me.

I instantly missed it.

“You said you’re not really sure you’re attracted to guys.”

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone ever. Anyone.” He drove the word home.

“But you said?—”

He cut me off. “I said I wasn’t sure about dick. But clearly, I’m hard as a fucking rock. I love kissing you. I love your hands on me. Stop doubting me. I’m here. I’m in love with you—that’s what I know. I want this.”

It took me a minute to process what he’d said. I stared at him. “You’re in love with me?”

“I told you earlier that I love you. Did you doubt it?”

My breath caught, and my head spun. I didn’t believe it came out of his mouth. This guy I never thought would ever be invested in me, my best friend… And not just that, he thinks he might be in love. He’s in love with me.

“Loving me is different than being in love with me," I said carefully, not wanting to reveal all my overthinking.

“I’m in love with you, Varian.” He was steady, smiling knowingly. "How many times do I have to say it for you to believe?"

"At least a couple more." I loved the rawness in everything he did. I never wanted anything more than him. Than this. I could have lived in this moment forever and been happy. “I’m in love with you too. And I need you to kiss me."

He took my face with both hands, kissing me softly, leaving me needing so much more. “What do you want?”

“To be naked with you. To make you come.”

He pressed his body back to mine. “That all?”

I nodded.

“I think you forgot something?” He resumed his torturous rock, producing a red-hot, all-consuming lust. An undeniable, blind want. There would be no satiating it any other way. I had to have him.

“What?” I said breathless.

“I’m going to make you come, too.”

THIRTY-FIVE

ARIK

My nerves burned raw. Not only from the rollercoaster of emotions we went through, but now being here with Varian and how close we were to what felt like this monumental step.

“Fuck.” He pressed his face into my neck. “Say that again.”

I loved him for asking me whether I was comfortable, but I didn’t want to talk anymore. I wanted—no, needed—to dive in. To do the thing I’d been terrified of. I didn’t want to lose my nerve or to hurt Varian again.

“I’m going to make you come for me.”

His fingers tightened on my back as he heaved with a guttural gasp. I lived for the sounds he made. I’d carry them on my mind along with every touch to my grave. Marks in time when I felt most happy.

“I need—” Varian arched, jerking his hips up in an aggressive grind.

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