Page 112 of Goodbye Note

“They aren’t mine.” I didn’t like what his words suggested. “How would I fuck anyone else? When would I have the fucking time? I spend every minute with you.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Miss what?” I didn’t know what he was asking me or expecting with this line of questioning.

“Sex.”

“I wouldn't be here if I didn’t want to be.”

“That’s not a fucking answer,” he said coldly.

All the joy I’d felt drained out of my fingertips, replaced with ice. “Do you miss it?”

“Of course I do.”

“Sometimes I miss getting off. But it’s not really easy,” I said, realizing this might not be about his needs at all. Was he questioning mine? I didn’t know what was going on or how we got into an argument at all.

“Then why do you fight it so much?”

“We are never alone. We live on a bus with other guys and are traveling with a thousand plus people every day. Where do you expect me to even have a minute to even feel comfortable?” I hated every second of his doubt, but maybe I deserved it.

“No one is paying attention to us tonight.”

“You really want it to happen in there? I don’t even think there is enough space.” I didn’t want to lose this high, but I felt defeated.

He kissed me again, and I indulged it for a moment. “I just want you.”

“I want you too,”I whispered.

“How can you even say that? I don’t understand. You say you want to be with me, but you hesitate on the actual being with me part. It’s starting to feel like you don’t actually want me. You just don’t trust anyone, and you don’t want to be alone.”

“It’s not that.”

“It’s too hard. I feel like I’m your fucking comfort pillow. I can’t keep doing this.”

The anxiety returned tenfold, hitting my chest like a ton of bricks. “You’ve never been that to me. You’re my best friend.”

“And I’m starting to think that’s all I’ll ever be.”

“That’s not what I want,” I said softly, my breathing getting ragged.

“I’m fucking frustrated.”

“And you think I’m not?”

“You haven’t even touched me. I’ve gotten you off.”

“We got off together, and I haven’t been with anyone else. You’re not the only one who’s horny and sexually frustrated.” I tried to focus on breathing, but my head was too fuzzy and wouldn’t focus on anything, including getting oxygen into my lungs.

“Are you ever going to touch me?”he asked.

“I was touching you!”

“Only high.”His words were flat. Cold.

“I’m trying to figure this all out. I’m trying to figure out what I’m into. I’m trying not to be lonely. I’m not trying to hurt you. That shit freaked me out.” Words came out too fast, and I’m not sure they made sense or what I was even saying.

“Maybe you should go fuck a woman then, so you can figure out if you even like me or if this is just happening because you’re bored.”

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