Page 90 of Goodbye Note

“What are you saying?” Arik asked again, flexing his jaw, while squaring up with his manager. But I didn’t need to be told. I knew what Kiernan meant. I’d been told it my whole life by my grandparents and our manager and my brother.

I knew I had to hide who I was and all my father’s secrets if I wanted to make it. Not be too queer, but queer enough to appeal. Use my nepotism, but not make it obvious. The game was rigged with rules they’d never tell us, and navigating it was a nightmare.

“Just that you need to be careful. Both of you.”

“Message received.” I gave him a half-salute.

Kiernan narrowed his eyes at me but didn’t speak.

“Want me to go?” I asked Arik.

“No, why would I want you to…” He glanced between Kiernan and me. Then he shoved past his manager and onto the bus.

I met Kiernan’s eyes. “Do you have something you’d like to say to me?”

“You know I have nothing against you. But people are talking.”

“Who’s talking?” I asked calmly.

“It’s just rumors. But roadies and bands talk. The gossip in this industry is rampant. I know you know that.”

I didn’t like the way he said it. “What would I know?”

“You’ve been immersed in this your entire life. You know how it is. You’ve grown up in it. I know you don’t want it affecting you, either.” Kiernan softened, but I knew he wouldn’t say it. No one would fucking say it.

I pointed at my face. “I had to learn a long time ago not to listen to what anyone says about me because the rumors are never true.”

“Are they not true?” Kiernan asked.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to hope or say that it was more than it was. “We aren’t fucking, if that’s what you’re asking.” It was true without admitting or denying anything.

He looked me over but didn’t say anything more. I stepped onto the bus but didn’t see Arik. The lights were out and the front lounge abandoned, which meant the guys were either crashed out for the night or indisposed somewhere else.

I didn’t want to call for him and risk waking everyone else up. I leaned against the wall, the weight of it all hitting me. What the fuck was I doing?

It felt like I was walking a tightrope between ruining my friendship and my career. No, not a tightrope. Some kind of ride I was already on and too far to turn back.

I closed my eyes, not sure what the right thing to do was. Stay in the front lounge and leave Arik alone. Keep it just friends or go find him.

I forced myself off the wall before Kiernan came in. I didn’t want him to see me in a moment of vulnerability. I stepped further into the lounge, pulling at my shirt and exhaling slowly. I’d check his bunk. If he was already asleep or trying to avoid me, I’d grab one of the empty bunks. I moved his curtain a hair, peering into the dark space, willing my eyes to focus. I couldn’t see shit.

I opened it further, letting some of the ambient light from the bus into the space. It was empty. What the fuck? Not like he was in the back lounge where Hael was holed up.

“Looking for me?” Arik purred behind me, sending a shiver down my spine.

TWENTY-SEVEN

ARIK

I gently placed a hand on Varian’s hip, trapping him there against the bunk. “I was in the bathroom. Where did you think I went?”

“I don’t know. I was trying to figure out why you abandoned me.”

“I would never.”

“The evidence says otherwise!” He didn’t move. “Where were you? Hiding in a fucking cabinet?”

“I don’t think I could shove myself into one of them,” I laughed. “Can’t a man piss?”

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