Page 55 of Goodbye Note

I got really fucking tired of asking myself what was wrong with me.

I felt like a goddamn freak compared to everyone else.

It made me feel fucking crazy. Like I was the only one having this fucking experience, and it made the world even more lonely, knowing I was the only one who was like this and even more lonely because no one could even relate.

“If you’d rather go back to your bus...” I tried to shove past him but bounced off his statue-like body, rebounding the few inches into the wall.

“Where are you trying to go?” His tone changed, but only a hair. He became more serious than I’d ever seen him.

“To bed.”

“Inside or out?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I stared at his face, trying to get a read on his expression.

“Inside against the wall of the bunk or outside? We aren’t moving once we’re in there, so choose carefully.” What was he saying? Did he agree to stay?

“I don’t have a preference. Which do you want?”

“Outside. That way, you can’t bail on me in the middle of the night.” He smirked as he said it, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“Are you calling me skittish?”

“Fuck yes, I am. I can see it in your eyes.” Varian brushed his fingertip next to my eye.

“What can you see?” I asked doubtfully.

“Your green darkens to almost a forest when you spiral.” How could he see me so well when I didn’t even want to see myself? “Do you not believe me?” he said when I didn’t reply.

“I believe you. I’ve never had anyone notice my eyes changing. I didn’t know they did that.” My words came out breathless, like something between us had changed.

“I can promise you they do.” He leaned in as he said it.

I swallowed, the charge in the air making it hard to focus. But he pulled back before I could process what had happened. Maybe nothing had.

It felt like I’d imagined the electricity as he pulled back the curtain on my bunk. “After you.”

I jumped up into the twin mattress, shoving over against the back wall to give him two-thirds of the space. I was a little wider than he was, but he was a little taller. Did he even fit comfortably in one of these alone?

“I have an extra pillow.” I pulled it out of the little cutout by the foot.

He took it and slipped in, stretching out on his side facing me. “Thank you.” He tucked one arm under his pillow, while the other hung loosely draped over his stomach. “See? Plenty of room.”

“How many people did you sleep with in their dorms?” I asked teasingly.

“A few when I had to.”

“Had to?” I asked, not sure I wanted the answer.

“Sleeping on the floor in people’s rooms gets old. I wake up so stiff. So if I knew someone well enough or they were willing, I shared a few beds.” He lifted his shoulder, trying to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal. “Did you never tour like that?”

“We’ve never gone on, like, a real tour. This is our first one.”

He scoffed, shaking his head. “Fucking spoiled.”

“What?”

“You get a bus on your first tour. It’s fucking unheard of. Lucky fuck.” He smiled so he didn’t seem upset about it.

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