Page 207 of Goodbye Note

My mind spun. “Then why haven’t I heard anything about it?” I asked, needing to understand.

“They didn’t want that fucking with our album release cycle. Plus, how does it look going back on tour with all these rumors in the midst of a divorce? It looks like I’m leaving my wife for you.”

I winced. “It does. I guess that’s fair.”

“She left me before I knew the tour was even on anyone’s radar.” He stroked his thumb over my cheek, looking into my eyes. “Is there anything else you want to know?”

I let out a pent-up breath. “I’m sure I’ll think of things. You?”

“You said all your relationships were PR? Why?”

“Because it was easier. Then, there were no rumors. I don’t think anyone would believe I’d stayed single so long, and they’d start digging. Pressing about you. So I fed them what they wanted to see to protect my peace. And it had an added bonus of making them less suspicious when I did come meet you. I gave the sharks chum often enough to keep them chomping at the bit, and then I didn’t feel trapped.”

“I know I shouldn’t ask, but I’m going to because I like suffering. Did you date people in private?”

“I couldn’t date anyone. I didn’t trust people enough to let them in, and I knew what would happen if I got serious about someone. If rumors broke you, what would happen when I was even more famous? I couldn’t risk it. So I got my mental health under control and hooked up with you when I couldn’t stand to not be touched any longer.”

Varian’s chest shuddered. “I’m sorry.”

“No more apologies.” I hugged him to me.

Varian slept, and I made myself some coffee, typing up a post.

things on my mind as i watch the rain:

i LOVE a chemical with substance.

the ghosts of past things we all collect

shirts i’ve borrowed for eighteen years

retracing our steps one by one

immersed in Meaning and memories i was terrified to look at beforE

Us leaving the bus became a walk of shame. Both bands and both managers were in the room with catering, all of them staring at us.

“Look at you, traitors. Back to thick as thieves the second I turn my back?” I asked, putting on fake annoyance.

“Don’t fucking play! We are having a meeting about where the fuck you two disappeared to,” Vallen said.

“What were the theories?” I asked, making myself a plate.

“We took bets.” Fox got to his feet, picking up a notebook.

I took a seat with my food. “This ought be good.”

Varian met my eyes after he’d finished getting his food in a silent question. I tipped my chin to the place next to me. He came and sat, and everyone took notice.

“Well, that means Kiernan, Serafin, and”—he scanned the paper—“Bronx lose.” He scribbled stuff out.

“They haven’t said anything! You can’t just go on a look,” Kiernan scoffed.

“Neither one of them is dead. You lost the second they walked in the room.”

“You don’t know about mine,” Ser said.

Fox looked at us. “Did you two get into a physical fight?”

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