Page 201 of Goodbye Note

“Varian, you have to talk to someone.”

“Maybe I will. I have a lot to get out.”

I turned to leave but paused, reaching for the handle. I didn’t want to go. I hated myself. “I need to smoke or have a drink. I don’t want to be awake right now. My brain can’t take it.”

“Don’t go.”

I looked over my shoulder. “That’s not a good idea.”

“Just for old time’s sake. I won’t kiss you again.”

“I don’t trust myself around you. I can’t.” I went to war with myself.

“We can drink and go back to what we’re good at. Instead of small talk, we’ll confess.”

“Confessions didn’t work, remember? We had too many questions.”

“Questions it is.” Varian’s fingers brushed over the back of my arm. “Weed or drinks?”

“Weed. I have to be sober enough to play tonight.”

We both took a couple of hits.

“Why’d you remove the dopamine symbol from your ghost?” Varian asked.

“Coming out of the gate swinging, I see.” I sank lower in my seat. “To be honest, that was in my anger phase. I had them laser that part off so I could replace what he was carrying as a fuck you.”

“What did you replace it with?” He was holding back emotion, but I didn’t want to put it off or lie. That wouldn’t get us anywhere.

“Nothing. The ghost is empty-handed.”

“I don’t know why that hurts more than anything else probably would.”

“It was meant to.” I scrubbed a hand over my face. “We love to go to the worst when we play this game.”

“No shit.” He laughed without humor.

“How did you marry her after that? How did you stay with her? How can you love her? Like I do not understand how the fuck you have a happy family with her when she did that to you.”

“I had a breakdown. You blocked me. Wouldn’t speak to me, so I convinced myself to be with the person who loved me and was the mother of my child. I wanted Nova to have a good life even at the expense of mine.”

“That’s not okay,” I murmured.

“I told you, I thought it was what I deserved. I gaslit myself for a long time that it was a different type of love and that if I worked hard enough, it would work. But it wasn’t enough for her.”

It took me a full second to process what he said. “What wasn’t enough?”

“I don’t love her, and she knows it. She deserves someone who loves her.”He met my eyes, searching.

“No, she fucking doesn’t.” I shoved to my feet and dug through his cabinet until I found the liquor and two glasses.

“You said you need to be sober enough to play.” He put his hand over mine on the bottle.

“It’s this or get a car to the airport.”And I still hadn’t ruled out strangling her.

He lifted his hand, and I poured us both a drink. I sipped mine, trying to calm my murderous thoughts.

“Wait, rewind.” I ran through everything we’d said.

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