Page 167 of Goodbye Note

I grinned, slipping on the mask I’d worn for more than half my life. It was an easy transition now. I barely thought about it. “Your interviews always turn into a conversation. It’s why I like coming on your show. We have a great back and forth.”

“I think fans respond better to a conversation. It’s getting a glimpse at the real you, not that fans need that with you, since you’ve kept this online journal for almost two decades, right?”

“It’s been about eighteen years of posting all my worst thoughts online. Ten out of ten, would recommend if you want the entire internet picking apart your life for the rest of time.” I looked right at the camera and grinned. “But all jokes aside, I think it’s part of the longevity of Second Star’s success. I think it gave fans a way to connect with me that wasn’t superficial. They knew what I was going through in real time. The good, bad, and worst.”

“I have to agree. It’s provided a unique view into your psyche and also your mental health. How has that felt?”

“It’s been a roller coaster. At times really good, and others really bad.”

“So about the opening verse… What a way to open an album. Without giving anything away, care to comment?”

“I think it speaks for itself,”I said, knowing this would be the focus of a lot of interviews going forward.

Lennon nodded, probably considering how to ask what he wanted without giving anything away. “Are you confirming rumors?”

“I think most people are a lot more fluid than anyone gives credit for. Like I said, I think it speaks for itself. I want it to be taken exactly the way I said it.” I’d decided what I was going to say carefully before we sent the album to anyone.

“Wow. I’ll let the fans listen for themselves and comment. To that point, how do you feel about fans speculating about your love life in relation to who you’ve been seen with or are rumored to be dating?”

Lennon always had such insightful questions. I almost blocked it out in the years between album cycle interviews.

“I think I do it to myself. How could I put all those things out there and then get mad people are looking deeper for their meaning? We connect to other humans, and what am I doing if not pretending to be human?”

Lennon raised his brows in surprise, and it wasn’t easy to surprise him. He interviewed musicians for a living.“That’s quite an inflammatory statement. ‘Pretending to be human’? You have to give me more.”

“I’ve never felt fully like anyone else or quite at home in my skin. I think struggling with your mental health does that to a person. We have a hard time feeling like we relate to anyone or anything. Our experience isn't normal, and it’s pretty disorienting.”

Lennon nodded. “Has it gotten easier to talk about your mental health?”

“Not easier, but I like to push myself to have those conversations and bring up mental health as a topic because the more we get these things out in the open, the more kids like me might not feel so alone, so not human. I want those things for future generations.” That was easier than talking about my love life. I didn’t have to lie about my mental health.

“You aren’t one to comment on relationships. In fact, I don’t think you’ve ever confirmed a romance to your fans. Did fans picking apart your private life make your mental health worse?”

“Yes, and no. There have been times when I wished I could hide and not be so visible with my pain, but that’s not the path I chose for myself. It helps that they’ve been wrong basically the whole time.” I grinned. Giving fans that little gem would explode the fandom, and leading into an album release, it would be good for them to pick apart the lyrics.

“The whole time?”

“Nearly. There have been a few times and places the fans had it totally right, but the rest… Not even close.” I smirked, knowing every fucking face I made would be dissected on YouTube later.

“We’ve already gone so far off the rails of what I expected to talk about. I don’t know if I can reel it back in.” Lennon laughed. “But this is… Wow, a revelation.”

“Got to give you the best content and keep you on your toes.”

“You always fucking deliver, Arik.” Lennon scanned his notes. “Let’s see. How is it sending out your album before the fans ever hear it to a bunch of guys like me?”

“Nerve-racking. You’ve always been very supportive, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.”

“For your seventh studio album, I would have thought I’d heard it all from you guys. I know your sound, I own all your records, and I do still listen to even the early stuff. I spent a week trying to articulate the feeling the new album gave me.” Lennon rolled it around, tilting his head back and forth. “It took me forever to write my review, which, after thirty years in this business, isn’t my normal.”

“I don’t know if I should be nervous or excited.” I laughed, reminding myself he said he loved it.

“No, no, don’t be nervous. It was hard to articulate a way to say that I love your music and didn’t think there was a new direction for your band to go. You were really solid in your sound, and I thought I knew what to expect from Second Star, but this album showed me I was wrong. You sound different and the same. You’ve reinvented the wheel here. Almost reinvented Second Star. It’s incredible. I think it’s going to end up my favorite album of the year.” Lennon didn’t blow smoke. He wasn’t the kind of music reviewer who kissed people’s asses. He’d always been honest with me about what he loved and what he didn’t. “I think it’s going to bring a new life to alternative we haven’t seen since the early 2000s scene.”

“Wow. I don’t know what to say.” I collected myself. “I wasn’t alive for the beginning of the scene, but as it’s been the great love of my life, I’m here for injecting new energy into it.”

“Now you can tell me what inspired this damn album since you say the fans are wrong.” Lennon laughed but it was good natured.

I’d spent too many years avoiding this question—and, frankly, making up things to say because the further I got from Varian, the worse it sounded. I couldn’t say ‘I dated a rock star seventeen years ago and I’m still obsessed with him to this day.’

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