Page 11 of Burned By Fire

5

SOL

Friday, May 6th

My brother calling shouldn’t have affected me the way it did last night. His news about his promotion to detective only deepened my wounds. I’m happy for him, but I wish it was me getting ahead. When I opened the fridge, I only intended to have one beer, but it quickly became a six-pack. Nobody was supposed to see me, though. Especially not Ember. I was an asshole to her because I was annoyed with myself.

When I touched her hair, I didn’t intend to scare her, but something shifted inside me. It wasn’t until she touched my arm that I got a reality check. A rush of blood was heading for my groin, and I didn’t like it. She’s too good for me and I wish I could stop thinking about her. I’ve been thinking about her offer of being her date to that wedding she’s going to. If I go with her, we’ll get to spend quality time together, like we used to at the firehouse. She has a gift for distracting me with her quirks and energy. It’s hard not to smile when she’s around, but I’m a mess. She shouldn’t want to spend time with me.

I’m an hour late for my park run, but I’m determined not to undo my progress. I pause when I reach the tree where I met Ember yesterday. There was no arrangement made for today, and it’s unlikely she’s here, but I still look around. I’m not sure how she’s feeling about what went down yesterday, but I owe her an apology.

I push harder and faster as I run the route I’ve done a hundred times before. The people blur, but I try to take in the forest and lakeside views. It’s the little things that make the difference. Once my circuit is complete, I don’t stop. My feet keep going across Armstrong towards my former second home, the firehouse. The trucks and ambulances are parked inside. My old colleagues are moving around, but I don’t get any closer. Instead, I take a seat on a nearby bench and watch. It isn’t long until the alarm goes off and my old workplace comes to life. The engine speeds out of the firehouse and disappears down the street.

The day passes by, and I make no effort to move. Flashing lights and sirens come and go as I observe the firefighters going about their business.

When it’s time for the shift change, I approach Ember’s car. She unlocks the vehicle and climbs inside. I’m careful not to be seen by anyone other than Ember. I don’t want to talk to the rest of my old squad who are also leaving. Pulling on the handle, I open her car door and slip into the passenger side, shutting the door behind me.

“Sol. What are you doing?” she asks. Her eyebrows raise in surprise, but at least she didn’t kick me out of the car.

“I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for the way I acted yesterday,” I say.

“You could’ve called my cell. There’s no need to creep up on a girl.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you. I was already in the neighborhood, and I thought you could give me a lift back to yours so I have less walking to do.” I buckle up my seatbelt, hoping she won’t mind my bold move.

She sighs like she wants to say something but doesn’t. Instead, she turns the engine on and starts driving down the street.

“Can you forgive me?” I ask, hating the way my voice cracks. I don’t want her to be mad at me.

“Sure. Next time I won’t show up unannounced.” Her words sound bitter, not forgiving.

I close my eyes for a second. “You caught me on an off day, that’s all.”

“An off day should only happen occasionally. Already this week I’ve seen you sitting alone in a bar and drinking by yourself at home. This isn’t healthy and it needs to stop. You need help.”

“I’ve started having therapy with Jackie.” My answer feels weak. It’s not good enough to want to stop making a mess of everything. I need to start doing more.

“Let me rephrase what I’m trying to say. You need to help yourself.”

“I’m trying.” I rub my head.

“Try harder.” She breaks too hard at the lights, making us both jolt forward.

“If it was so simple, I’d already be doing whatever will fix my situation.” I clench my fist, hating that I’m getting angry. Does she not realize I don’t want to be like this?

The traffic signal changes to green and she sets off. “Tell me what I can do to take some of the pressure off you.”

“You can’t. I have to figure this out on my own.”

“Asking for help isn’t a bad thing.” She glances at me, but I avert my eyes.

“Unless you can find me a job and a way to stop me drinking when life gets too hard, you can’t do anything.” I look out of the side window away from her. I have some money stored away and I’m lucky enough to have received some benefits from retiring, but it isn’t the same as working full time.

“If you have a spare room, I might be able to fix a few of those things.”

Visions of Ember in pajama shorts and a camisole flash through my head, but I shut down that thought. “You want to move in with me? Why would you want to live with someone like me?” I frown.

“Forget it. It was a stupid idea.” Her face turns pink, the way it does sometimes when I ask her personal questions.

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