Page 36 of Sinister Devotion

I hate that his father did this to him. The more I unravel our day, the more I hate Charleston and Bianca. They turned him into this hardened, temperamental guy who has laser beam focus, but can't sleep through the night.

I'm not that much better. Thankfully, the person responsible for my trauma is long gone. I don't have to look at them as a part of my family. I don't have to put up with them or their volatile behavior haunting me in my present-day reality.

Charleston Blackwell is unnecessary and cruel. It's like he makes it a personal challenge to get under people's skin, just to skin them from the inside out by the end of an interaction. To put up with that and the physical attacks as a child?

It's not a mystery why Julian has nightmares. Still, seeing it unfold, jolted awake by someone else's fear, is scary to see. To put myself to sleep, I go to my most trusted source of peace, reaching into my nightstand for the tablet of my mother and father.

All the videos aren't labeled individually. But the ones I play the most are in their own folder. All the rest need to be watched and sorted. That's an emotional toll I'm not ready to pay. At least the dates are in all of the default file names.

I click one I specifically titled Dating Advice. It's one of several videos that have varying bits of information my mother wants me to know.

An image of my mother sitting alone opens on the screen. The paleness of her skin, clinging to her shrinking frame as she hides it under a loose-fitting poncho, shows her in a bad way. Whatever sickness it is, it's taking over and I hate to watch it win over the course of every video. The liveliest part of her is her smile and the smile in those grey eyes that match mine.

"Claire Bear," she says softly. "I don't know what it's going to be like when you start dating."

Dad shouts from off camera. "She's not dating anyone. She's going to be a nun."

Mom laughs as she continues. "Derek, stop. Don't leave Julian waiting. Now go. I'm going to be fine."

Dad comes onto the screen, kneeling beside Mom, with so much love in their eyes for each other. He turns toward the screen and says, "Claire Bear, there's no dating advice that any kid takes from their parents when they need it, so we're saying it now. One, I told you so. Every parent has a way they say it. Sometimes it's the way their eyes look off to the side or the way their head tilts with their all-knowing, you should have listened to me stare. You're going to hate it when I do it, but listen to your mother so you never have to hear us say?—"

He turns to her and she says, "I'm so sorry Claire, I never wanted this to happen."

A chuckle at their teamwork plays with my grief that I won't get to see either of them give me that look, or tell me they were right. As she turns back to Dad, who's laughing too, he says, "Two, everybody's a fucking mess."

Mom interjects, swatting him on the shoulder. "That's not true. Everyone has struggles and their own personal issues."

Dad nods vigorously. "Exactly what I said. A fucking mess and your mother loves me to death. All of it. The good, and the bad."

She interrupts with a gesture to herself. "The ugly."

"Don't you dare, Sue Ellen. You're beautiful, through sickness and in health, you are the best part of me, the beauty, the light in my dark to guide me out of my forest of monsters." His voice fades as he appears to forget they're on camera, rubbing her hand before kissing the top of it and turning back to the camera. "Reciprocity, baby girl. Respect and reciprocity have to come before love. Love comes, goes, it changes and grows, but the way I protect this woman, her heart, it's unshakeable because of the way she's protected me."

A door opens off camera and my favorite part of the video outside of my Dad reciting pieces of his vows as dating advice walks on screen. A young Julian Blackwell, happy, handsome and a few pounds lighter walks over to my mother, kissing her gently on the top of her head. They share a look in their eyes as if they speak their own secret language. Dad gets up and turns to the camera for his last bit.

"And lastly, our dear Claire Bear, Julian here, pledges his undying loyalty to you. He's going to protect me so I don't go to jail for dumping your boyfriend in the Bay. Love you." He shifts his gaze to Mom, lowering his voice with so much care it makes me tear up every time I watch it. "And I love you, Sue-Ell."

"Come on, we have to get the paint and stuff to finish Claire's room. Let Sue-Ellen be," Julian grabs Dad by the shoulders and playfully ushers him off camera.

"Claire," Mom says, "Love, respect, and having someone treat you the way you deserve isn't a perfect science. Things come up. People get sick, hopefully they get better. People lose interest, hopefully they find their way back to each other. Love isn't perfect and you should never put that kind of pressure on it. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself time to learn and love whoever you choose. That's a different message for a different day. I love you forever."

I end the video as she signs off and I close my eyes to sleep. The peace of her voice has me ready to forget the tremble of fear that pulled me awake earlier. When my alarm goes off, I'm surprised to find Julian in the training room, instead of Bonnie.

He's sitting in regular clothes while I'm suited up and ready to fight the demons that attacked him last night.

"Good morning, Julian. How are you feeling?" I ask him.

"Lousy, if I'm being honest. I think I might have to try something a little bit different for this apology. Go change, we're going out."

"But my training?" My heart races at the change in my routine, glancing around and waiting for Bonnie to pop out. It feels like a trap and she's going to try and tackle me or chastise me for not stretching and warming up.

"Canceled for the day. I gave Bonnie the day off and we're going for those pancakes you like to live dangerously for with that Boysenberry syrup you love. I figured we should do something normal. Less normal and far more harmless than sleeping together."

Laughter comes out softly from behind my lips. "Pancakes are harmless. Then into the office?"

"No. It's a beautiful Friday in San Fran. Let's have some fun and remind my inner child that everything isn't scary and painful. I can show you some of the places your Dad and I used to hang out."

"I'd like that," I tell him, hurrying out of the room to change into regular clothes.

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