Page 33 of Sinister Devotion

"Rules like what? Safe words," I toss the words out like I know it all because I’ve heard a few things.

"We're nowhere near that yet," he replies in a tone that's too close to his business voice. "I want you to meet someone. She can explain things a lot better than me, and she can guide you, well, us."

"You mean like a sex therapist? I know I scraped you with my teeth, and I'm sorry about that. I can do better, but I don't want some random woman you fucked trying to teach me how to fuck you."

He shakes his head, biting his lower lip and downing the rest of his drink. "That's one hell of an assumption, Claire. Malia's a doctor. She has a PhD in Psychology and a bunch of other fields. Have we had sex? Yes. Is she going to teach you what I like? No."

"Then what's the fucking point?" I ask angrily. I hate how jealous I feel about this woman I've never met.

"The point is for you to be comfortable telling me no."

My heart flutters, thumping harder and harder against my chest. "What do you mean?"

He pours himself another drink. "You're so young, Claire. Being with a man like me is hard enough, but at your age? Most women bend over backwards to do anything I ask them to. Anything. My looks persuade some to appease my sexual needs. My money guarantees it from others, but from the woman I want to be with, I need her immune. I need you to be able to say no. Not a safe word, a hard no, and mean it, Claire."

"What would I say no to?"

"Some days I like to be the man that claimed your virginity. Other days, I don't mind getting on my knees and have you inflict some pain. But I have triggers that make it easy for me to slip inside my head and forget that we trust each other. Malia's like a guide through the fucked-up parts of me. She'll help you develop a map to help you out of my fucked-up parts." He pauses, staring into my eyes.

"Can't you do that for me? Can we take our time and just learn along the way?" I ask him, still uncomfortable with the idea of another woman involved in our sex life.

He sighs and downs another drink. "I don't want to hide that side of myself from you, Claire. But you said something to me before, so did Edward, that made me want to talk to you about this."

"What did Edward say?"

"He told me to be honest so I don't hurt you. That's the short version, anyway."

I decide to tell him what Edward told me. "Edward told me to be patient with you. I mean just you. He didn't say anything about being a patient."

He snorts. "Funny."

"What did I say?"

"You said I've never been on the other side of me. Sexually, no, I haven't. That's why I want us to have a meeting, a couple of sessions, so you can see when to tell me no, when to pull me back, when to pull me out of the dark. I've spent the better half of the last decade trying to master my moods, my triggers."

"You still need work," I tell him, remembering how he snapped inside his office.

"Which is exactly why we're having this conversation. I can't bring you along this ride without giving you the emergency escape hatch. If you don't want to, I get it. I'll never bring it up again. We can keep things normal, until you're ready to explore more."

"What if I'm never ready to explore more, Julian?" I ask him.

"That's why you need to be able to tell me no. We should get to know each other better if we're going to pursue a relationship. I don't want you to feel that because we have different preferences, that it means I'm going to scratch my itch somewhere else. I have self-control, but I also know women."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I don't know everything, but I know enough because I've lived this life of mine. You'll say you're okay with going dark with me when you're really not because you're eager to please me, to show me you're not like the others. When things get too dark, and you don't have the escape hatch, I'll scare the fuck out of you and we go back to normal vanilla sex. You'll get paranoid I'm cheating on you, and then you'll use whatever I did to scare you as a way to justify ending the relationship."

"Can I think about it?" I ask him.

His face softens as he comes around the table to stand in front of me, taking my face into his hands, he kisses me gently. "Of course, Claire. You can turn all of it down. We don't have to be in an intimate relationship. I'll always protect you, be there for you, but if you truly don't want to go down this road, I'll let you go."

The pain of those words ricochets across my chest. "I don't want that. I want you, Julian."

"How about we start off with just sleeping together?"

"Just sleep?" I inch away to look into his eyes.

"Yes, just sleep. I'll keep my hands to myself. I promise."

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