Page 92 of Shameless Expectations

“Stop apologizing for your own experiences.” Athena pulled Monti’s face up to look into her eyes. “You can’t control what happened to you.”

“Who’s the therapist now?” Monti gave her a weak smile, but it was the first sign in days of the person Athena had come to know. And she clung onto that. “I keep remembering it.”

“Flashbacks are a bitch.”

“Athena Pruitt!” Monti laughed lightly. “I never thought I’d hear you talk like that.”

“Oh, I’ve said worse.” Athena leaned back into the outdoor sofa and relaxed. She finally felt as though they were balancing the chaos of their lives. At least it felt that way for a moment. Athena was pretty sure that balance was impossible to find, but at least she was looking for it now. At least she could be a little closer to it.

“What have you said?” Monti rested her arm along the back of the seat, playing with the ends of Athena’s hair.

She was acting like nothing had happened, like she hadn’t woken from a nightmare in a panic, like she hadn’t just confessed to remembering her dad beating her mom. Athena couldn’t keep up. Was this Monti avoiding or was she really just that good at getting over her trauma quickly?

“I’ve told people to fuck off before.”

Monti snorted.

“There are quite a few judges I had choice words for. Though I did not say it to their faces. That would have gotten me thrown out.” Athena tried to figure out what Monti was doing when she leaned away. She felt so distant, as though she was shutting back down again. The brief window into who Monti really was had already closed and Athena was left with this awkward tension between them.

She didn’t like it.

She’d thought they could come here and get closer to each other, and yet, ever since they’d arrived, everything had gone the complete opposite direction. Then again, perhaps this was her lot in life. Athena ran her fingers over Monti’s arm and gave a sweet smile.

“Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?”

“You want to eat out?” Monti looked confused. “I’m assuming that’s not a euphemism for anything.”

“Monti!” Athena laughed, the sound bubbling up in her chest. “No, I meant go out.”

“Do you eat at restaurants?”

“Yes.” Confusion swam through Athena. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you don’t like people putting their hands in their pockets, you’re always looking for the exit, and you never relax in a room full of strangers.”

“Oh.” Athena pressed her lips together hard. She hadn’t realized her neuroses were that obvious. Did that mean Monti didn’t want to go out that night? Because she was more than willing to put up with the extra stress in order to enjoy time out of the house with Monti. She wouldn’t ever consider this if she was alone.

“We can just stay in.” Monti walked her fingers along Athena’s shoulder to her neck, cupping the back of her head and pressing their mouths together in a kiss. “I’m going to go for a walk on the beach.”

Monti stood up. Where Athena expected there to be an invitation to join, there wasn’t. And she didn’t feel as though she could invite herself along. She stayed put and watched as Monti walked down toward the beach. The distance between them increased, the chasm widening. Perhaps this was all there was to them.

Perhaps it hadn’t ever been deeper than that.

Athena waited until Monti was out of her sight. She’d thought they had something special, but she was wrong. Monti had been hired for a job and that’s what she was doing. She didn’t want or need Athena’s help, not that she’d been able to give any. She was hopeless when it came to things like this—too broken to even attempt to help someone else through their brokenness.

Sighing, Athena stood up and walked inside.

It was better this way.

They were too broken for this to work.

twenty-nine

Hours meditating on the beach had only soothed the memory. Monti found as the sun fell over the horizon that it hadn’t settled her soul. Once again, she was left with the choice as to whether or not to make peace. Sighing, Monti stood up, her toes digging into the cold sand.

What was she doing out here?

Monti wanted to be inside. She wanted Athena’s arms around her again, holding her, keeping her together the same way she had earlier that day when Monti had woken up so scared. She grimaced. She was screwing all of this up, wasn’t she?

---