Page 27 of Shameless Expectations

“Oh?” Now Monti was curious. What difference was Fallon seeing? Because this was always about more than just sleep.

“I’ve never seen her this relaxed.”

Interesting. Monti kept that thought to herself. She nodded toward Fallon and then the door to the interior office. “Is that one hers?”

“Yes, but she’s out at a meeting right now.”

Monti pressed her lips together. “I’m going to dinner with a friend tonight.”

“I thought we were going to see Mom.”

Tensing, Monti tried to push down the feeling of unease that swamped her. Peace. That was what she needed, not this sensation that the world was going to collapse in on her. “We can go some other time.”

“Monti…” Fallon trailed off. She finally pulled her reading glasses off and set them on top of the desk. “The weather’s going to get really bad soon, and you’re going to leave. If we want to go see her, now’s the time.”

You. Monti corrected in her head. Fallon was the only one that wanted to go, and the fact that she kept talking about their mother like she was alive was ridiculous. But Fallon had always been that way. Nostalgic and stuck in the past. Monti couldn’t live like that. She didn’t have those memories that Fallon had.

“I was going to have lunch with Tia on Saturday when she’s off work.”

Fallon frowned. “That’s it?”

“Yeah, that’s it.” Monti let her anger lash through her. She was tired of the pretense that she was so unaffected by Fallon’s pushing. Surely she had to know by now that Monti didn’t want to go to their mother’s grave.

“She raised us.”

“She did,” Monti agreed. “And she did a damn good job at it. But I don’t see what that has to do with me getting lunch with her.”

“You don’t want to stay with her?”

“No.” Monti tightened her arms crossed. “No, I don’t.”

“I don’t get you.”

“I know,” Monti answered softly. Fallon had always tried, and she’d never managed to. Changing the subject away from the conflict, Monti shifted her stance. “Did Ms. Pruitt want to meet with me again?”

“She didn’t say,” Fallon answered, flicking her gaze up and down Monti. “But I’m all for it.”

Probably because Fallon was under the illusion that the job would keep Monti around longer. Well, that simply wasn’t true, but Monti would continue to work with Athena while she was in town. “Okay. Schedule it in. If she wants to cancel, just let me know. I’ve got to meet up with Zoe.”

Monti left the office with a sharp nod toward Fallon and went to her van. As soon as she was inside, she relaxed her shoulders. She would park her car and change before meeting up with Zoe. For right now, she just needed to clear her head from that intense conversation.

“Peace,” she whispered, her voice not echoing through the vehicle.

Why was peace so hard for her to find?

She understood it wasn’t just difficult for her, but she’d spent years searching for it and never finding it. Sighing, Monti started the engine and left the house. It took her thirty minutes to get to downtown Seattle and find a parking garage that could handle her vehicle.

Crawling in the back, she slipped out of her yoga pants and wrinkled shirt. The entire time, she ran through a meditation, checking in with her body and her emotions. She needed to know that she would be okay when all of this was through. She needed to know that Fallon wouldn’t be any more hurt when she left—because she would leave.

She was tired of leaving a trail of pain behind her.

That wasn’t her purpose in life. It wasn’t good for anyone. Monti ran her fingers through her short hair and spiked it up on the top with a little bit of product. She rubbed deodorant under her pits and then sat cross-legged on the small bed along the far wall. Resting her palms on her knees, Monti tried in vain one last time before she had to leave, to find some type of peace.

Athena had clearly found it the night before, so why couldn’t she?

She was so good at helping others find their center, and yet she was left with nothing for herself. Steadying her breathing, Monti focused her mind. She didn’t want to run away. She didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want to stay. She wanted to simply be exactly who she was born to be, and find peace in that.

So why the hell couldn’t she?

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