Page 94 of Shameless Expectations

“Only one case at a time.” Athena crossed her arms. “Doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.”

“Then why continue?” Monti moved her hand to Athena’s hip, pressing into the muscles and teasing them out of their tension. Athena hadn’t told her to stop yet. And Monti was going to continue as long as Athena was okay with it.

“Why would I stop?” Athena covered Monti’s hand and pulled it from her hip. She set it gently back on her thigh, but held her fingers there so they couldn’t move. “I’m sorry you never got justice.”

“It’s not about justice. It’s about peace.” Monti covered Athena’s hand with her other one. “I’ve been searching for peace my entire life. I didn’t realize how long it had really been until recently. But it’s kind of been my quest since I could name it.”

“What does peace look like?” Athena asked, her eyes fluttering closed.

Monti wished they could look at each other, that she could see Athena’s reactions to what she was saying. Then again, maybe it would be easier to speak if she didn’t have to look Athena in the eye. “I don’t know.”

“It would be nice to have that answer.”

“Wouldn’t it?” Monti smiled slightly, but she wasn’t getting the response she needed. Athena was so disassociated from the conversation, like she couldn’t be there in the moment to even hear what Monti was saying. Perhaps this wasn’t the best time for the conversation to happen, but Monti needed it to be now.

She hadn’t told anyone these things. Ever.

“I’ve believed for a long time that if I can reduce my impact on the people I love, then they won’t be hurt when I leave.”

“Why would you leave?” Athena still wasn’t looking at her, but her cheeks paled instantly.

“I always leave.” Monti ran the edge of her thumb along the side of Athena’s hand. “I’ve always left, I guess. I’ve never stayed. College, grad school, finishing my practicals and hours to get licensed. I always move on to something else.”

Monti clenched her jaw. As much as she loved to travel, something about being here with Athena this week made her not want to leave. At least not in the same way she had before. She missed Fallon and Tia. She loved them. She wanted them to love her.

Sucking in a sharp breath, Monti rolled her shoulders and leaned into the couch. “You hide in your house, and I hide out there. We’re really not that different, are we?”

“I suppose not.” Athena frowned. She played her fingers over Monti’s hand and upper arm. “That probably makes us incompatible.”

“It might.” Monti tried to find Athena’s gaze, but again she failed. “It might not.” Was Athena thinking of a longer-term relationship than just these couple of weeks? She was married, and while Monti understood the nature of that relationship, being married to someone else and being long term with a third party didn’t typically go hand in hand. Monti would never be able to go to a gala or a party with Athena and walk in with Athena on her arm. She would never be able to say publicly they were together.

She didn’t want a relationship that was hidden.

Hiding her pain from the world was typical, but she had never hidden her happiness or her love. That was something Monti wasn’t interested in doing. So she’d assumed that long term the two of them wouldn’t work. But she didn’t want to bring that up, not right now, not when Athena didn’t really seem to be an active participant in the conversation.

“I think I’m going to head up for the night.” Monti pushed Athena’s legs off her thighs and stood up.

She looked down at Athena, understanding the confusion and not having the energy to deal with it. Athena was going to have to do this work on her own.

“Night,” Monti added, trying to make it clear that she still wanted time alone. If she couldn’t get what she needed from Athena, then she would have to find it herself right now, and that meant quiet. Monti walked up the stairs and to her room. She took the longest and hottest shower that she could manage, and when she stepped out of the bathroom, steam billowed around her.

Monti collapsed naked on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. All she had to do now was to find that peace. Monti fell into the emotion that she was feeling, finding it and holding it in her chest. That feeling was one she needed to follow. It was the unease from her childhood, the pain from instability. She let it settle, she let it take over her body, and then she let it go. At least as much as she could. It would probably take many repeated sessions of this.

Monti sighed heavily when she heard Athena on the stairs. Athena stopped just outside of Monti’s door, and Monti knew she was debating what to do next. But she didn’t have the energy to stand up and end Athena’s misery. She held her breath until Athena walked by. The door of the bedroom next door shutting was exactly what Monti had expected to hear.

What she had told Athena earlier was true. She needed to stop holding back from her relationships with those she loved. She needed to talk to Fallon. That was a must, and something she would work on when she got home. They needed to meet in person for that conversation.

Allowing herself to be loved wasn’t going to be easy. Because she knew it would come with pain. She knew she would screw up and hurt someone. She knew that with that good came hardship. Monti groaned and turned on her side, facing the window.

She would wake up early in the morning, go for another run, and do some meditation. That would help her figure out where her next step was. Until then, she would attempt to get some sleep—preferably without nightmares.

Though she had slim hope that would happen.

thirty

“Hey, you got a minute to talk?” Athena’s voice wavered as she sat down in the den in one of her favorite chairs. She’d spent all night thinking about it, and it was time to finally make the call. She just wished she didn’t feel so awful about it.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Kevin’s voice was confident, as he always was.

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