Page 89 of Shameless Expectations

“No. Do you?”

“No,” Monti responded, lifting Athena’s hand again. “But I’m not used to nightmares. I don’t dream much either. It is a trauma response, but I used to just ignore it.”

“Used to?” Athena ran her fingers up and down Monti’s arm.

“I don’t want to ignore it anymore.” Monti stopped walking. She looked into Athena’s eyes and canted her head, slowing her breathing. She could do this. She could explain it to Athena in a way that she’d understand. “I realized that it’s not about finding peace. It’s not just somewhere out there in the next best place.”

“No, it’s not.” Athena furrowed her brow. “You have to find it.”

“I have to make it,” Monti corrected. “But until this week, for some reason, I didn’t realize that.”

Athena rested her head on Monti’s shoulder. They were filled with a comfortable silence, the only sound the lapping of waves and nature all around them as the world started to wake up.

“How do I make it?” Monti's voice was thick with emotion, and she was very well near tears again. She winced and buried her face into Athena’s neck, using her to calm down. “How do I deal with a past that I don’t remember?”

“Aren’t you the one who said our bodies remember things? So you do remember it.”

Monti let out a wry laugh. “Yeah. You’re right.”

Letting that knowledge settle into her chest, Monti stayed put. She closed her eyes, breathing it in and breathing it out. Just admitting that was harder than it should be. Fallon had been telling her for years that she remembered it, that it affected her, but now it was real. Now she didn’t want to ignore it.

“All right, so I remember.” Monti clenched her fist tighter, the shell digging into the center of her palm. It was a reminder of life and death, and the beauty in the world through all of it. “Now that I remember, I get to deal with it.”

“How will you do that?”

“I don’t know yet.” Monti grinned and kissed Athena loudly on the cheek. “What do you think? Maybe we can just have sex so much that I’ll forget it even exists.”

Chuckling, Athena shook her head. “I’m pretty sure that’s the exact opposite of what you just said you wanted.”

“The sex?”

“No.” Athena slapped Monti’s arm lightly. “The avoiding with sex.”

“Oh, because I’m all about sex.” Monti kissed Athena’s jaw. “Last night was fantastic.”

“Are you sure?” Athena tensed, but she did tilt her chin up and turned her head, which gave Monti the exact access that she’d been looking for.

Monti took the opportunity, pressing another kiss to Athena’s jawline. “Oh yes. In fact, I’d love a reprise.”

“Already?” Athena whipped around to look at her.

“Yes. Do you?”

“I…” Athena paused, looking deep into Monti’s gaze, as if trying to judge just how truthful Monti was being. “I don’t know.”

“Then let’s spend some time figuring that out.” Monti looped Athena’s arm through her own. They started back toward the house. While Athena had definitely closed the door on her way out to find Monti, this house didn’t feel like a prison. Not like the one in Seattle anyway.

“Fallon’s worried about you,” Athena murmured as they stepped onto the deck.

“Did she call you?”

“Of course.” Athena opened the door and let them in. “I talk to her every day.”

“Really?” Shock ripped through her. “What do you talk about?”

“Work.” Athena shut and locked the door. Then she gave Monti the most no-duh look Monti had ever seen. “I have a trial coming up.”

“You’re on vacation.”

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