Page 44 of Puck Shy

She sighs playfully into my ear. “Alright, then. Tell me.”

I pick at the cuticle of my left pinky toenail as I tell Nia about what happened last night. How the team devised a plan to have me wear Johnny’s jersey to send Lucas over the edge. What happened in the equipment room, both before and during my pleasure sesh. She listens and never interrupts, nor does she try to sway the way I feel by reacting. She lets me express and talk. Which is exactly why she’s such a good friend.

“So…that’s what happened,” I finish.

“Sounds like a great night,” she says.

“And?”

“And now you have some choices to make, Gorgeous.”

“But that’s why I called you. To help me make a choice.”

“I actually think you already know what you want,” she says, her voice warm.

I stop nervously picking at my toenails. “Can you tell me, then?”

She laughs. “Stevie, stop and think about it.”

I take a deep breath. “I like him, Nia. I really like him.”

“I know, baby.”

“But what if I can’t give him the life that he wants or deserves? He’s a fucking famous person, for God sakes. I’m just a girl who got lucky and now has a sweet ass job. I’m a nobody.”

“You know you’re not a nobody. You’re Stevie. You’re funny, crass, talented, and damn good at licking pussy.”

My cheeks blush, and I exhale a shaky breath. “But what if I take a shot on him and it doesn’t work out? What if he decides that he wants someone who doesn’t like group sex? Who can give him a life that’s more than what I can give? You know, like kids, a family, a white picket fence. Can you imagine me taking a hoard of kids to peewee hockey?!”

“Actually, I can.”

That stops me. “For real?”

“You like to say you’re not good enough. That you don’t have your shit together. And in your brain, you think that makes you unqualified to want things out of life. Things that may even be too scary to think about right now, like kids. But all that shit you tell yourself isn’t true. Even before you got this job, you hustled. You made things work.”

She keeps going. “You only shit on yourself because you grew up in a world that told you that you weren’t good enough. At the club, you never allowed that world to get you down—you only questioned yourself when you weren’t there, when you weren’t in control. But you’ve always been in control of your life, Stevie. You get to decide what you do with it and who you get to share it with. If Lucas is one of those people, you’ll figure it out. If he’s not, you’ll figure that out, too. But don’t let your fear stop you.”

My eyes fill with tears, and I feel like a hand is squeezing my heart. “That was beautiful, Nia.”

“Sometimes I’m good at giving advice. Now, taking my own? Not so much.”

I exhale a small laugh. “Aren’t we all? But thank you. I needed to hear that.”

“Think about what you want, Stevie. And ask Lucas what he wants, too, then really listen. Don’t assume. That man likes you, and it’s clear he wants you. He’s wanted you from the moment you met.”

“Okay,” I smile into the phone. “I will.”

“Good. Now, can I go back to sleep?”

My smile grows wider. “Yeah, you can. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“You’d better.”

After we’ve said our goodbyes, I lay back in the tub and stare at the hotel ceiling. It’s painted a boring eggshell, but the lack of decorative vision allows me to think.

I’ve spent so many years fighting to be okay with who I am, comparing myself to my sister and other people. And while I often act confident, I use it as a mask to hide my insecurities. If I can act like I’m a badass bitch, nobody can see how scared I am, how much I care what people think.

When I met Lucas, the mask, the situation let me be the person I wish I could be every day. Then reality came crashing down the next day, and I panicked.

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