Page 67 of Past Present Future

I fold up the letter and shove it deep in my pocket.

It crosses my mind that I could explain all of this to Skyler. But opening up about our relationships and friendships—that was easy. I’d be starting from scratch with this, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin or how he’d feel about me afterward. I’m not ready for that kind of judgment.

In my pocket, my phone vibrates. A text from Zoe, asking where I am, if I got held up somewhere, because tonight we were going to Shabbat again with a few others.

Then Rowan calls.

It aches to send her to voice mail, but I can’t talk to her when I’m like this.

Of course, after our conversation about communication, this has me feeling even worse. The letter is a reminder of an ugly past, one I’ve been trying to move on from for so long. Telling her would risk changing how she feels about me, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

The gray sky rumbles with the threat of rain, and more than anything, I wish I could be home right now.

No, not home—on the couch in the Roths’ living room on the second night of Hanukkah. That instantly becomes my new happy place. The memory I’ll return to whenever I need to escape.

Two weeks. In two weeks, she’ll be here in New York for her parents’ book tour.

I have to get myself under control before then. I’ll let myself spiral now, and by the time she gets here, I’ll be the person she fell in love with again.

Because I don’t have anywhere to be, I just wander. Apparently New York is the kind of place where you can openly have a breakdown on a city sidewalk and no one pays you much attention. All around me, the city is abuzz with nighttime activity, people dressed up and going out or dressed down and bringing takeout back to their apartments. Everyone has somewhere to be, a fact that once comforted me and now just makes me feel lost.

I’m not sure how it’s possible to be this lonely in a city of eight million people. Somehow that only makes the loneliness heavier, as though I am the only one stumbling around on unsteady feet with the weight of the past on my back, trying to outrun the darkness.

ROWAN

hey, never heard from you after I called last night. just want to make sure everything is okay?

NEIL

Completely fine, sorry. Fell asleep in the middle of my textbook and it was too late to call when I woke up. Didn’t want to bother you.

ROWAN

you’re never bothering me.

well, except for grades 9-12, but you’ve more than made up for it

free to video chat tonight?

NEIL

I wish… too much studying to do, I’m sorry.

Tomorrow?

ROWAN

I have a creative writing thing at my professor’s house. saturday?

NEIL

Skyler and everyone wanted to go to Coney Island. But I could cancel… I probably should, I’m way behind in psych.

ROWAN

no no, don’t cancel

we’ll figure it out!

---