Page 48 of Clubs

“I—I’m going to make this right. I’m not going to let Declan go down for this. I just need a little time, and some money, and—”

“Then fucking take it!” I pointed to the money she’d dropped on the dresser. “Fucking take it, then tell me what’s going on.” And now that I got a good look at her, noting the dark circles beneath her eyes, her ghastly pallor, I realized, yet again, that she was in withdrawals. “Is this all because you owe a dealer money? They’re trying to take me and Declan down because you owe them money? How much? And of all the people you could steal from, why me? Why not a god damned bank? You’re a teleporter, Ria. And you’re stealing from your family? Instead of the fucking corporations or some shit?”

That one must’ve stunned her, because all she did was open and shut her mouth a few times. After a moment, she shook her head. “No. Yes, I mean—It’s complicated, okay? It’s about money. It’s about a lot of money. But it’s more than that. It’s about me.” The tears in her eyes erupted. A soft weep escaped her dry, crackly lips. Normally, I would’ve reached out and held her, but I was in no mood. “He’s not just my dealer, okay? I… It’s bigger than that.”

“What’s bigger than that?” I asked. “And how much fucking money? Who is this guy? What did you do to him?”

“He thinks I fucked him over,” she said, composing herself enough to get the words out. “I didn’t. But I guess I kinda did? So did Alicia. He started as my dealer. Then I got behind on money. He fronted me some shit, and I didn’t give him enough back, and he knew what I did to make money, so he…” Lifting both hands before her face, her shoulders sunk inward. She muffled her sobs into her palms, whole body trembling. “It was just supposed to be a couple of johns. But he didn’t want me working at the club. Not unless he could be there, and my boss didn’t like him hanging around, and I almost lost my job. Then he or one of his guys was on my ass all the time. Everywhere I went, everything I did, everything I do, they’re always there. Me and Alicia, we were trying to get out from under him, and—We were stupid. We were so fucking stupid.”

“Wait,” I murmured, beginning to tie it together. Gradually, my stomach dropped all the way out of my ass. “Wait, are you telling me that this motherfucker is your pimp, Ria?”

Letting out another sob, she shook her head. “I didn’t want him to be. I didn’t—This wasn’t supposed to happen. It just all got so out of hand. I didn’t mean to—”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Stepping closer, sticking a finger in her face, I spoke through gritted teeth. “When you started doing this, I told you that I understood. But I told you to never get a pimp. You promised me you wouldn’t. We talked about how fucking predatory they are, and how they ruin the girls’ lives, and how they treat them like property, and—”

“I know!” She grabbed fistfuls of hair as she wept. “I know, okay?! I didn’t mean to! It just—It just happened! But he wouldn’t stop. He won’t stop. The same thing happened to Alicia, so we tried to get out however we could. Our clients are here, all of our lives are here, so we couldn’t leave, and he has trackers anyway, so we thought if we—” She cut herself off with another sob.

And there it was. Now it all made sense.

We were lucky he hadn’t tried to kill us. Instead, he had settled for ruining our lives.

“You tried to kill him. That’s why he killed Alicia.”

Still sobbing, she nodded. “But I found somebody. He’s gonna do it. He’s going to get rid of Davey, and everything’ll be fine. I just need to give him enough money, and we’ll never hear from him again.”

“He killed your friend for this shit, and you think that getting involved with somebody who’s going to kill him is going to be any fucking better?! Are you out of your god damned mind, Ria? He’s going to do the same thing to you as Davey did! You’re gonna be in the same situation, just with a different villain. This is all going to start again. You can’t be that fucking stupid, can you?”

“Fuck you,” she made out between sobs. “Fuck you, Brooke.”

“Fuck me?” I laughed. “Yeah, fuck me, you ungrateful little bitch. I bend over backwards for you, and you just keep shitting all over me! You fuck up my life all the god damned time, and that’s bad enough, but now you’re ruining Declan’s too, and ‘fuck me,’ for pointing out how stupid you are for messing with the same fire that got you burned in the first place?!”

“How dare you judge me?!” Didn’t know where I judged her there. Just stated facts. Maybe they hurt, but they were the honest to gods truth, and I wouldn’t take back a single word that’d come out of my mouth. “You have everything. You don’t get it. You don’t get what it’s like out there. We have to do what we have to do to survive—”

“Out there?!” I gestured out the window. “On the streets? The same streets that I grew up on? Oh, no, I’m clueless. I’m just oh-so-sheltered. Dealing with you twenty-four seven, I just have no idea what it’s like, right? I’m just so ignorant to this pathetic, street war shit—”

“You are!” She gestured around the room. “Look at how you live. Look how fucking normal you are. You act like it’s so tough for you because of how we grew up, but you got out! You have no idea how fucking hard it is to—”

“You could get out too! You could get your fucking shit together, Ria! You could stop blaming the world and look in the fucking mirror. Because this is on you. All of this is your god damned fault. You are why your life looks the way it does. You’re shaming me for getting my life together? Or being normal? You act like you didn’t have the same fucking opportunities that I did. But in reality, you had more. Because you had me. I had no one. I did take care of you, and I didn’t have someone like that. I didn’t have someone that I could look up to, somebody I could go to when I needed help. But you did. You had me. And now I’m the bad guy? Because I just don’t get what it’s like to be an addict? Try loving one. Try watching someone you love kill themselves every god damned day, and then tell me how hard you have it. Tell me how hard you have it when you’re about to lose your relationship, the only thing that has ever made sense to you, the only thing that has ever brought you any joy, because of your junkie fucking sister!”

I shouldn’t have said that. The moment it left my lips, I regretted it. It was an awful, horrible, mean thing to say. It was the truth, but I could’ve said it without the slur. I knew that was wrong, and I would regret it for a very long time. But the damage was already done, I could see it on my little sister’s face.

“Sure.” Letting out a shocked laugh, she swatted her tears away. “Blame me. I’m the reason Declan doesn’t want you. I don’t know why he ever fucked you in the first place, but you’re the reason that he won’t stay.” She gave me a once over, laughing again. “I mean come on, look at you. Look at him. The guy could have anyone he wants, and he chooses this?” A wave over me in gesture. “When was the last time you ate a salad? Or went for a run? You could at least try to look good for him, if you’re not going to tell him you love him, but I guess even that’s too much work. You can sit here and pretend like you love him so much, that losing him is destroying you, but you won’t do a fucking thing for the guy. I might be a junkie whore, but you couldn’t sell it for nickel. I’m surprised Declan doesn’t make you pay him.” Grabbing the money off the dresser, she tore the rubber band off. One by one, she swept the twenties and fifties and hundreds onto the floor. “Keep your money. Go buy yourself some company.”

And she disappeared.

I just stood there, staring at the money on the ground. Trying to remember everything that was said, and failing each time. Only remembering those last few bits.

She wasn’t wrong. In fact, everything she said was everything I feared the most.

Ria was the pretty one. I was the smart one. That was always how it’d been. I liked being that. The smart, responsible, mature big sister. It didn’t matter that I was always the tall, bitchy, fat one because I didn’t want the typical, nuclear family, American dream anyway. I wanted a career. I wanted pretty bookshelves and nice floors and a house that smelled like flowers and honey.

I never cared. I told myself I didn’t, at least.

Then Declan had entered my life, and for once, I felt like I was more than that. He loved that I was a dorky librarian. All those things that I thought separated me from my femininity, my sexuality, turned him on. He loved my body, my demeanor, and for the first time, I felt adored and desired.

Now I was losing him.

And now I had lost Ria too.

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