Page 28 of Home Ice

She does her best to smile at him, but it ends up as a faint quivering curve of her lips and her eyes go right back to her lap. I wish I didn't know what she's feeling. I wish I didn't know what it's like to think you'll break down if you look someone in the eye, that even just one glance would take away the tiny bit of strength that you still have left. "I need to try, right?"

"No." I kneel beside her and take one of her hands from her lap. "They've made their choice. You don't owe them anything at this point. You don't need to try for them." Suddenly, I'm thirteen again, and sitting in that chair. For me, it was light beige and in the corner of our living room. Dad is standing beside me, resting his hand on my shoulder to let me know he's here. Mom is sitting at the far end of the couch, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. Her face is red from tears and anger. I keep thinking over and over that I should be the one crying, not her. My own mother told me she wished I was never born. Then she has the nerve to make it all about her, to pretend she's the victim. Dad's grip tightens on my shoulder and he suggests maybe Mom needs to go for a walk to think about the things she's saying. She shakes her head, and for a full minute, I worry she's going to continue going on. That she'll say even worse things about me and Dad. If that's possible. But then she stands and walks out the front door. Dad slept in my room that night, but we didn't see Mom again until the next morning.

Chloe reaches down to take the toy from Silver. She shakes it in front of him and they end up in a tug of war while we all sit silently. After a few seconds, she lets him win the toy back from her. "I need to try for me then. Maybe they don't deserve it, but I do. I need to know I did everything, you know?" Her eyes flash up to mine just long enough for me to see their red rims. She doesn't have any of her usual makeup on today, and even though I understand why, it still makes me sad to see that she's already changing for the same people who threw her out of the only home she ever knew just a few months ago.

I nod, even though she's already looking away. "Are you ready to go then?"

Chloe stands and hugs Michael without looking at him. "I'm not crying, you know," she tells him.

"I am," he answers with a shaky voice. "You know you can always come back here, right? Just call me, and I'll buy a bus ticket to get you right back here. I'll drive down there and get you myself if I need to. You understand?"

"A teen trans girl and a black gay man might be a little much for them to take all at once," she forces a laugh. "But I know. I'll let you know if I need you." She looks up at me, and even though her gaze is unsteady, she holds it this time. "I'm ready."

The three of us walk out to my car—me, Chloe, and Silver—without saying a word. It's the same the whole way to the bus station. Even Sebastian is quiet. I picked him up from the shop this morning. Brant was only supposed to have the front bumper fixed, but since the engine isn't bucking like a mechanical bull as I accelerate above forty, I suspect he did a lot more than fix the bumper. I make a note to tell Brant off. He's already done too much for me. But that has to wait.

When I park in front of the bus station, Chloe lifts her pink and black backpack to her lap. I'm scared she'll leave without a goodbye, so I grab her arm to hold her in place. "I won't try to talk you out of it, but just remember that sometimes the people we love don't live up to their end of the bargain, okay? No matter what you do, you can't force them to. It took me a long time to learn that lesson." I tried everything I could think of to get Mom to love me the way I wanted her to. I even took her name as my middle name, thinking it would somehow help rebuild the connection between us. Nothing worked, and I blamed myself way too long for that.

Chloe doesn't say anything. So I just hold on to her and watch her breathe. I've only seen her a few times. I can't believe I'm going to miss her this much. "Silver is used to getting steak for three meals a day," she says when she finally looks up at me.

"Silver's been living in a shelter with his mom. Pretty sure he ate table scraps and whatever dog food Michael could afford to buy him."

She turns toward the backseat. As soon as she does, Silver looks up at her. He whimpers as if he can sense what's about to happen. "I tried, buddy," she tells him. "You take care of Lily, okay? Just like you did for me?" She rests her hand on his head. He licks her wrist and then closes his eyes.

Before Brant and I left the shelter yesterday, Chloe pulled me aside and told me about this. Her mom started texting her last week, and like any teenage girl who thought she'd lost her family, Chloe was thrilled. She showed me the texts. To me, they seemed manipulative. The woman was trying to make Chloe feel guilty about leaving, even though she and her husband were the ones who kicked Chloe out. But the only one Chloe seemed to care about was the one where her mom said she wished she'd come home so things could go back to the way they were. I know what that means. I learned it firsthand. But Chloe insisted it meant there's hope. Maybe there is. I keep reminding myself that her family isn't my family. Maybe they'll be different.

"Promise to call me?" I ask. "The instant the bus pulls in. And again tomorrow. I want to know how things go. I want to know you're safe."

"What is this, the 90s?" She rolls her eyes. "I'll text."

"Good enough. But promise me you will. I mean it, Chloe. Promise."

"God, I should have had Michael bring me. Or walked." But she looks up at me and smiles, and this time it's genuine. "Thank you for caring so much. It feels... whatever. I promise. Promise you'll be good to Silver?"

"I promise to let him take me for a walk at least twice a day. And to give him belly rubs whenever he wants them." I lean across the center console and wrap her in a hug so she won't see how close I am to crying. "I'll miss you. And I really do care. You know that, right?"

It takes her a moment to answer, and when she does, her voice is unusually quiet. "I know. Me too."

"And all that stuff Michael said about coming to get you if you need him? Same goes for me."

She huffs out a breath. "You're so annoying."

"I try. Now go, before you're late."

She gets out of the car and opens the back door to hug Silver. Her face is buried in his short fur, but I see her shoulders shake a few times before she sniffs and stands up. She gives me a quick wave and then walks away.

Silver whines as he watches her disappear inside the bus station. "We'll see her again." I twist to reach him and stroke my hand down his back. That's when I notice the tear-soaked spot Chloe left on my shoulder.

CHAPTER 23

I HOPE THAT'S ACTUALLY BALL SWEAT

BRANT

"Why can't you fucking sit still?" Kayden reaches for my shoulder but ends up palming the side of my face instead.

I blow out a long sigh, but it's pointless. He's way too drunk to realize I'm even doing it, let alone to understand why. "I am sitting still. You're the one bobbing around like you're in a goddam boxing ring."

"Fuck you! You're the one in a box! Too scared to tell… tell…" His voice is too loud, and his head rolls back so far I worry it might take the rest of his body with it. I grab hold of his forearm, just in case.

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