Page 16 of Home Ice

"Girl, you're going to break your vagina one of these days. Don't come crying to me when you do."

"I paid extra to make sure it's able to handle anything I shove into it, and I want my money's worth. You need to get yours too. You spent too much to turn it into a cobweb koozie."

Even though she can't see me, I shake my head. "That's why I had Tyler." Sex with Tyler was very regular. Every Saturday and sometimes on Thursdays, if he was in the mood. He seemed to like it well enough, but I was never very impressed. So I never pushed him for more. I made up stories for Em, though. She already hated him, so I didn’t want to give her any more ammunition.

"Why did you have to mention that name? Now I think I've lost all my sex drive for the rest of time," she says. "I might as well join a convent."

"Pretty sure they don't take people like us as nuns."

"No one can ever say no to me. And I say you need to come home. The baseball team will take you back. Or if they don't, someone will. You're great at what you do. And you can stay with me until you get a job. It'll be just like undergrad."

We've talked about this so many times. "You already know my answer."

"Lily, deals with ghosts aren't legally enforceable."

"And like I always tell you, you're a vet, not an attorney. Besides, it doesn't matter if it's legally enforceable. It is spiritually. He loved this house. It was his pride and joy, and it would kill him all over again if I sold it without even trying."

She sighs for so long that I wonder if the connection has gone staticky. "Babe, you were his pride and joy. He might have loved that house, but it's just a house. He would want you to be happy, not to fulfill some bargain you made with him after he died."

My head drops against the driver's side window, and I close my eyes to block the tears I refuse to let fall down my cheeks. Before Dad died, I didn't know it was possible for a person to cry this much. Now, I check the toilet after I pee to make sure my urine isn't getting too dark. I refuse to die because of tear-induced dehydration. My death will come from having a heart attack while Henry Cavill does magical things to me.

After a couple of breaths, my throat relaxes just enough for me to talk, and my eyes stop threatening to refill the Great Salt Lake. "Change of subject, please?"

"Fine. How was work today?" She says it in such a sing-song tone, I can tell she's been waiting to ask.

"You know the inner workings of a professional sports team are top secret. Especially when it comes to the work of the trainers. If the wrong people find out what I know… oh, I can’t even think about it."

"Lily..." I hear the side eye in her voice.

"What? It's a little true. If some gambler found out a player was hurt, they could?—"

"Lily, you know I'm not asking you for an injury report. How was your stalker?"

"He..." Why does my breathing change when I think about him? And when I do think about him, why do I replay the way he walked into the training room? When I see it in my mind, though, he doesn't hesitate. He runs a hand through his hair and crosses the room in just a few strides. Then he presses against me. His arm wraps around my back and?—

"He?" Em thankfully interrupts my thoughts that were not going anywhere good.

"He was there," I swallow. "It was a practice. The whole team was there. And he's on the team, so that means he was there too. I guess. I don't really know for sure, now that I think about it."

"Mm-hmm. So did you tell him you're interested in him too?"

"What? No! Why would I say that? I'm not interested in him at all. And I'm sure he's not interested in me either. He's just... friendly."

She clicks her tongue. "Girl, he asked you out."

"Girl, he doesn't know about me. And he can't know. I work for a hockey team in Salt Lake. This is a macho sport that plays their home games just a couple of miles away from the center of a pretty conservative religious movement. Not exactly the kind of environment where I can openly declare that I'm a transgender woman."

"Why do you always do that?" Even from five hundred miles away, I feel her disappointment. "Why do you always assume the worst of everyone?"

"Because I'm always right when I do. Just trust me on this. I can't lose this job, and that's exactly what would happen if they found out."

"Lily, you need to take a chance on someone sometime, or you'll have a very lonely life."

I try my best to laugh, but I know it comes out sounding as fake as it feels. "That's why I have you. We're going to be nursing home roomies, remember?"

She laughs too, and it's not quite as flat as mine. "Those boys won't know what hit them."

"Damn right they won't."

---