Page 34 of Home Ice

"Lily, I'm sure it was?—"

"We can't do this." I spin away from his arm. He could hold me in place if he wanted to, but he lets me go. "We can't. You asked me earlier why I was here. Back in Salt Lake. My dad died." I've never said it aloud to anyone other than Em when I first got the news. Hearing it in my voice makes it too real. There's a sudden weight pressing in my throat, trying to keep me from saying anything more, but I need to. "My dad died, and he was everything in my life. So now I have nothing. Nothing except one friend, who is the most amazing and badass friend I could ever ask for. But she's not here. I just have that fucking house where every nail hole in the wall and every empty space on those fucking bookshelves reminds me of him. And I know I made a deal, but there are days—every day—when I wish I didn't. But what kind of daughter am I if I just back out of that? After everything. What kind of daughter would that make me?"

Brant raises his hands slowly, as if he's afraid he might spook me. And he does spook me. Because I'm afraid that if he hugs me right now, I'll give in and everything will be over. But he just rests his hands on my shoulder. Safe, letting me know that he's here with no pressure. "Lily, I don’t know what deal you're talking about. But I know you're wrong when you say you have nothing. You're so very wrong about that part."

I know the universe was stopping me earlier. I'd be a fool to go against the collective weight of all existence when it's trying to keep me out of trouble. But fuck the universe. "I'm trans." The words come out too loud. "I'm transgender, and for the longest time—until I met Em—Dad was the only person in the world who accepted me for me, and now he's gone. So I mean it when I say I have nothing. And now that I'm telling you this, you're gone and my job is gone, and thanks to fucking Tyler, my credit score might as well be the negative square root of an imaginary number." And I know just two seconds ago, I didn't want him to hug me, but now that's all I want. I step into him and bury my head in his shoulder as I wrap my arms around him.

"I don't know what that means."

I huff into his shoulder. "It means that my gender identity?—"

"No, I know that. I mean, I don't know why that should mean anything to me. I like you, and I want us to be friends. This doesn't affect that. Should it?"

Friends. Shouldn't it make me feel better that he still wants to be friends? Just friends. "It's the way the world works. People either think I'm some monster, or they go overboard the other direction to prove that they're one of the good people, even though I know the reason they go so overboard is that they just want to be praised for being one of the good people."

He squeezes me. "You feel that, right?" I murmur something that I intended to be a yes. "You said I would be gone now that you told me, but that feels like I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere, Lily. I don't know if I'm a good person, but I know I'm a friend who's still right here with you."

"You did try to lure me into the basement earlier, so I think we both know about the 'good person' part."

"It's true. I’m a serial killer who targets innocent pizza-loving women, and now that I've decided you're going to be my victim, there's nothing you can do."

"Can I at least eat the pizza before you murder me and cut me into tiny pieces that you'll hide inside the hollow cinder blocks along the basement wall?"

"Wow, you've actually thought about this."

His hands slide just a little lower on the small of my back. "I watch a lot of true crime shows."

CHAPTER 26

I CRY WHEN I'M SICK

BRANT

Friday night with Lily was so great. And so terrible. I barely touched her—and not the way I wanted to—but when I did? Fuck. There's no way I can be just friends with this girl. Not when every second I spend with her just makes me want to have a dozen more. Except it's what she wants. She made that clear, and I won't disrespect her wishes. But damn, I want more.

That's not why I go to the training room to see her before the start of our Sunday practice, though. At least it's not the main reason. There's a little over a week before the start of the season, and the closer we get, the more my nerves get to me. My knee has to be perfect for this. Real games are completely different from the scrimmages and pre-season matches we've played so far. Coach was clear that I'm not starting the opener, but you never know what could happen. Maybe Milo isn't feeling it that night and lets in two quick goals. Or maybe he gets hurt. I hope not, especially knowing what I went through, but this is hockey.

But Lily isn't there, and I'm disappointed to miss another chance to see those brown eyes. It's fine. Maybe she's working with one of the other players. Or maybe she's off talking to some of the other support staff. She might be new, but it hasn't taken her long to make friends with the off-ice members of the team. But when I still haven't seen her before I head onto the practice ice? That's not fine.

I quietly ask my teammates about her, but not one of them has seen her today. When I ask Princeling, he gives me a look that's a little too close to home for me, so I shut that down right away. All it takes is a raise of my eyebrow, and he buries his gaze into the ice. I fucking love rookies.

"Hey," Kayden skates up to me while we're taking our warmup laps. "So, you know Christina in Facilities?"

"Who?" I ask, expecting him to tell me about the latest chick he banged, like I want to hear about that today.

"Christina. She's the one in charge of the cooling system. For the ice. How do you not know her?"

I look at him to see if he's serious right now. "How do you?"

"Because I actually care about people, Brant. Maybe if you weren't a stereotypically rude and self-centered Canadian, you would know her too." I flip him off and push him away, but he skates right back. "Anyway, I asked her to go to the parking lot and see if Lily's car is there. Guess what?"

My heart stops. "It's not there? You told this Christina what car to look for, right?"

"Yeah," he answers like he can't believe I even have to ask, "the old as fuck Subie. But she already knew that. Everyone knows what car Lily drives."

"They do?" Coach and the assistants are still huddled up at the edge of the rink. That means we've got a little time before practice starts.

"Dude, quit playing. It's Lily. Everyone loves her. Of course they know what car she drives."

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