Page 57 of If Only You Hurt

Strolling along the neighborhood this morning, it’s hard to ignore how beautiful everything looks, even though we’re still in the dead of winter. The trees lack leaves and the regular beauty that comes along with spring, but something about the promise of the warmer climate in the months to come brings with it a sense of a new beginning. I know for Grant and me, it brings a new start to our lives together.

I touch my belly, an automatic reaction I have found myself doing since Grant left, and I feel the smile on my face grow. I can’t wait to feel those little flutters that will then escalate to kicks, something I know we are both excited for as we move forward through the pregnancy.

Each time I speak to Grant, he’s quick to ask how we are doing, not just me. The fact he has welcomed this change is something that I knew he would do, yet it still catches me by surprise. For so long, I pushed this away, the possibility of more, because I was hurting from the pain of my past.

I lived life without really dreaming bigger because surviving each day felt like the biggest hurdle. I love the life I have built for myself since I moved to the city. The strength I’ve given myself to get up each new day and try to do better than the last was no easy feat, but I know that with this new chapter beginning, I will feel like I have been given another chance at a part of a life I previously lost.

I’m well aware that I will never be that exact same Laney from nearly twelve years ago. I know that I walked away from that trauma a different person, but I’ve worked on putting my best foot forward. I may have kept myself at a distance from many people and experiences, but I didn’t fully shut down. Many classmates I had kept in touch with in the very beginning had turned to ways to release their stress and found themselves completely different versions of who they could have been.

I don’t blame them. I understand their pull toward something that numbed that pain. It crossed my mind multiple times. I suffered. I imagined what it would be like to pick up something, anything, to simply take me away from my thoughts. If it weren’t for my family getting me the help that truly saved my life, I would have fallen down into the pits of despair. Therapy, guidance, and good support kept me from seeking something that may have caused me to completely get pulled down a hole that would have left me in more darkness than I was already in.

I reach the yoga studio and find a few students walking out of the last hot class. A part of me watches them, their smiles infectious, as they try to bundle themselves up after being in a hot room for the last hour. I will say if there’s one thing I already miss, it is the movements in those hot rooms. There’s something detoxing about that heat and the muscles moving that really helped me focus in my practice.

I reach the door, and as I’m about to pull the door open, I see a hand reach ahead of me and grab the handle. I look back to see Tad standing behind me, his smile there but not reaching his eyes.

“Hey, Tad. It’s good to see you.” I smile at him. I will always be grateful for his help that day I fainted. I know that seeing someone faint can be too much for some, but from what I was told by those students who were there, many took the lead and helped bring me aid, Tad being one of them.

“Hi, Laney. You feeling okay?” I haven’t seen him since that day I fainted, although I haven’t been back to the studio for much time since the incident.

“Yeah. Much better. Seems I’ll just have to lay off the hot classes for a few more months, then I’ll have the all clear.”

I walk toward the back of the studio, pulling out my lock to put my things in a locker. I have back-to-back yin classes today, and I am so incredibly excited for them. If I can’t be in a hot class, yin is my next favorite practice. I added new classes to the schedule as I am limited in my movements still, per Becca.

Tad hasn’t said anything, and it causes me to look back to see if he’s still trailing behind me. I find him following me, his gaze down, his eyebrows drawn together.

“What do you mean you’re laying off the hot classes?” He looks completely confused, and I realize maybe word hasn’t gotten around about my pregnancy.

Each time I get to tell someone that I’m expecting, I find myself smiling to the point that my face hurts. Right now is no different.

“Oh, um, I’m pregnant.” My voice always raises a bit at the end when I tell people. I sound like a kid letting this personal secret out.

The moment I tell Tad my news, I see his shoulders stiffen, and the hard look on his face is almost immediate. But then, as fast as his reaction was there, it disappears.

“Wow. Congrats.” Sadly, his words don’t match his tone. He sounds less than thrilled, and I honestly don’t have the time to dwell on it. Many don’t know about my past in Wyoming, so they don’t realize how much I have gone through in my short life already. But his reaction lacks any depth and that's off-putting.

It’s unimaginable to people, and I try to keep my personal life outside of the studio. The only problem is you can’t quite hide a pregnancy bump with yoga pants and tight tops. It’s better I let the cat, or baby in this instance, out of the bag now. Plus, each day that passes, Becca feels more confident that the IUD did not hinder me from continuing this pregnancy.

I tried to show Grant I was fine, but inside I felt so scared of doing too much and harming this baby. She keeps telling me that I've lived too much of my life walking on eggshells. I've leaned on my sister and Becca a lot in the last few weeks. Becca wants me to embrace this new step forward with as much love and excitement as possible.

“Thanks, Tad.” I smile again and turn away to finish putting my personal belongings in the locker. I place my phone on airplane mode and get my playlist ready for me to cue the music once I get into class.

“Is it his?” Tad’s voice is low, but it startles me nonetheless.

“I’m sorry?” I have never had super personal conversations with any of my students, so this feels out of my comfort zone.

“Is that guy from a few months back the dad? The tall one with the bright eyes?” He’s seen Grant for an instant, and he remembers his features down to the eye color. It leaves me unsettled, but I try to brush it aside.

“Yes. Grant is the father.” I push through the doors into the yoga room to make sure everything is in order for the next class. Some students are already setting up, and I make sure I am mindful of their space as they sometimes arrive early to meditate.

I can feel Tad’s presence behind me, but luckily, I don’t hear any more questions from him as I move around the room, plugging in my phone and distributing yoga blocks and bolsters.

I make my way out the door, grab a water bottle, and speak to Serena, who just finished teaching the last hot class. She’s finishing up cleaning the floors of the studio.

“Hey. You teaching another one after this, or are you done for the day?” Our schedules got moved around now with the holidays behind us, and some shifts have been rotated. Yoga studios aren’t open at all hours of the day, and there’s usually an extended gap after lunch where no teachers are here, and the studio is closed. We open back up when we know more people are coming from work or after school for a class.

“No. This was my last one for the day. Tyson will be teaching one at three p.m., and then I think Nora will be here for some classes later tonight. Are you good to teach your classes then close up?” She’s mopping the floor right at the entrance to that yoga room as I am at the front desk, scanning the schedule.

“Don’t worry about it. My yin classes are so chill. I’ll finish them, and then I’ll head home. I’ll be done for the day after that and lock up.”

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