Page 55 of If Only You Hurt

Chapter Twenty-Five

GRANT

“I don’t ever want to leave you, little bean.” I kiss Laney’s belly while she giggles from the stubble along my jaw that’s tickling her skin. I’m soaking up the last few hours we have together, before I have to fly out to my last international job for the foreseeable future. Afterward, I’ll return to the city and figure out our next steps together.

“Just remember my voice, little one. I promise I’ll be back. Don’t give your mama too much trouble.” I continue to drop kisses all over her abdomen while Laney threads her fingers through my hair. The movement is so simple, yet it makes me feel like I could doze off again, sleeping in her arms for an eternity.

This is what I’ve always wanted, yet for so long, I was too scared to push her for us to be more than friends. I let myself believe that what we had together was enough, and now I see how wrong I was. My heart feels like it’s beating at a new rhythm, and the beauty of my world has shifted exponentially.

Since that scare in the emergency room, Laney has been taking it easy, although making a terrible patient, much like my sister was when she had to spend the last few weeks of her pregnancy with the twins on bed rest. But this time, knowing my child is inside there, growing, and I have to miss the next few weeks is agony for me. I know I have to finish off strong with my work, but it doesn’t make it easier. I am already counting down my days away, and I haven’t even stepped foot on international soil yet. This is going to be a damn long trip.

I kiss my way up her torso, spending a little extra time on her nipples because she’s already told me they’re even more sensitive than usual.

“Grant, don’t start something you can’t finish. This is agony for me that we can’t have sex.” She pulls my face to hers so I can kiss her. I relent because denying Laney means denying myself, and all I want to do is devour her now that we are finally together in all the ways I've dreamed.

“As long as you get the all clear, once I get back, I promise I’ll make it up to you. All the orgasms when I make love to you.”

“Ugh. No. Not that. Don’t call it making love, Grant. No thanks.” She starts to laugh again, and I can’t help but smile. I’ve always known Laney hated that term, but I love to ruffle her feathers, and now is no different. As long as she’s smiling, that feels like winning the lottery.

“What is it with you and the phrase, ‘making love?’” I rest my head on my right hand while my left continues to caress her belly, imagining her as she grows as the months pass. To feel my son or daughter kick me will be the most beautiful experience.

“Don’t you remember my mom took me to her gynecologist, Dr. Wilmer, when I was seventeen? I think the woman was around back in the eighteen hundreds. Well, she did the exam on me and then kept asking me if I was ‘making love’ instead of bluntly asking if I was having sex. It was so awkward. I think I blushed so hard, I was the color of a tomato. I was so embarrassed. Well, she ruined the term for me. It creeps me out! Now, when I hear the phrase, I think of that old lady doc all in my business.” She’s getting worked up, and I’m now covering my face, my body shaking as I remember her telling me this story when we were teens.

“Of course, I remember. I just wanted to hear you tell the story again because of the disgusted facial expression you have when retelling it. It’s absolutely classic!” I legit have tears coming out of my eyes.

The moment I stop my hysterics, I look over to see Laney scowling at me, but I see that little uptick of her lips, indicating she’s holding back a laugh of her own.

“Too far, Grant! Stop laughing.” Even though she wants me to stop, now she’s chuckling. Soon, she’s laughing so hard, she’s crying. Seeing her like this pulls me back in time when we would laugh at absolutely anything. It feels like, although this pregnancy came with a scare, it has brought back a piece of the girl I fell in love with so long ago. I just hope with each step forward, she finds her bearings in a way she didn’t have before.

I bring her lips to mine, and I can feel the dampness of her tears on my skin. Laney has never been too emotional when I go away for work, but this time feels different for both of us. She was finally allowed to leave the house after Becca swung by and did an in-home assessment on her.

We’re standing amongst the crowd of the airport, and all I want to do is call an Uber and drive back to the brownstone. I don’t want to leave this time around. I feel like my entire heart will stay behind this time, and Laney will have it in her hands.

I open my eyes to see those beautiful greens staring back at me, and I feel my heart constrict. I love this woman beyond anything I’ve ever felt, and I can’t wait to hold her again.

“I promise to call you if it’s not too late when I arrive.” I kiss the top of her head, and she buries her face into my chest, hugging me tighter around my torso. I want to bottle up her smell and take it with me everywhere I go, but I know I will miss my flight if I don’t start going through security now.

“Not if. Call me no matter the time. I want to hear your voice. Please?” She rests her chin on my sternum and looks up at me, and I wish she fully comprehended how far I’d go to see her happy.

“Okay, I’ll call no matter what.” I give her another kiss, this time deepening it. The moment I stop kissing her, I let my forehead rest on hers.

“I love you beyond myself, Laney Marie. Know that you are my everything. Take care of our baby. I know they’re in good hands.” I kiss the tip of her nose and wink at her.

Somehow, I pull away from her, and I can see the tears falling down her cheeks freely this time. I move through the security line, and I can still see her standing there, her attention on me the entire time. The moment I go through, and I know I’ll lose sight of her, I wave and blow one more kiss. I see her turn around and walk toward the exit of the departures terminal, and I can’t take my eyes off her.

I turn around to undo my laces and place my shoes on the X-ray scanner, but the moment I stand back up, I feel eyes on me. And it doesn't feel like it's from Laney. It feels similar to the times I’ve felt this way before, eliciting the hairs on the back of my neck crawl.

I quickly look back to where Laney was, but she’s no longer there. I scan the area to see if I see anyone I recognize, but no one stands out. I shake my head at the ridiculousness of my actions. I think the nerves of travel are finally getting to me.

Reluctantly, I turn around when the gentleman at TSA gets my attention to go through the full body scanner. Once through the device, I grab my items and make my way to a coffee shop located near the gate I’m flying out of.

The moment I have my coffee and a snack for the plane, I sit down and pull out my phone. Before I left Ellie’s house today, I took photos of the ultrasound and put them under my favorites in my photo album. I scroll through all the black and whites of this little being we made, and I am still in awe. I think about how in a few months, our lives will look totally different, but a difference I have longed for without even knowing it. I feel like everything in our lives is starting to make sense after years of feeling like we have been fighting against the ugliness that day brought all of us, especially Laney.

To think the woman I have loved for as long as I’ve been able to comprehend the meaning suffered not just the horrific nature of that shooting but the loss of our child then makes my heart ache. Nothing we do will take away the pain she experienced. With each new moment, though, I hope we can see that no path is perfect. We will live a life full of imperfections, but it’s how we handle those difficulties that truly define who we are as human beings.

I get lost in thought for some time because before I know it, my flight is being called, and I’m boarding the plane. I make sure to take that step forward with my right foot, something my mom instilled in me from a superstition on my dad’s side of the family. I can’t help the smile that seems to be plastered onto my face because nothing will take away the joy I’m feeling about the future I get to live.

I wake up and take in the views of the ocean and sand in the distance. Fiji hasn’t disappointed, and I’ve only been here for twelve hours. I got in late last night and called Laney. Luckily, it was nearly six in the morning for Laney, and she had fallen asleep early enough that I didn’t disrupt her sleep by too much.

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