Page 45 of If Only You Hurt

Becca sits down next to me, the chair scraping against the hospital floor. She grasps my hand and crouches down so we can be at eye level with one another.

“You’re not alone this time, Lane. Grant isn’t going to abandon you. He loves you. Whatever this rough patch you’re going through, he’ll let it go the minute he finds out.”

“I’m not so certain. I really hurt him.” I close my eyes, knowing this confession will hurt Becca. She’s Grant’s sister. There’s no way this won’t break her heart, not just for the life that was lost but for the pain I caused her own brother.

“I doubt that,” she scoffs. She has no idea what I’m about to say.

“Grant was the father,” I say a little above a whisper.

“Yeah, Laney, I deduced as much after that trip a few months back.” She dismisses my comment, not realizing what tense I used. “Hold on. What do you mean ‘was the father?’”

Her hand flies to her mouth the moment she connects the dots, and tears pool in her eyes.

“Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Please, Laney, tell me I’m misunderstanding. Grant? Grant was the father of the baby you lost.” The last thing she said wasn’t a question but a statement.

I keep my gaze down, shame taking over my thoughts as I feel her eyes on me.

We sit there a bit, taking in what I just said and letting it sink in. I tell her about how I just uncovered all this to Grant days ago instead of years ago, like I should have. But in true Becca form, she stands up, brushes the skirt of her outfit, and then straightens herself, standing tall with her doctor’s coat as her shield.

“Okay, Laney. There’s no time to dwell on this. I cannot judge you for something you did during one of the hardest moments in your life. I have no idea how I would have handled all that. But I do know my daughter came into this world, and I had a decision to either be upset that her father left us behind, or I could forge on and make her life the best possible. I love you, Laney. What you just told me doesn’t change that, you understand me?”

I look up, my face covered in tears, my pain evident in my expression.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything earlier. I just didn't know how to tell him. I didn’t want to make him more sad. I saw how hard he handled the shooting and seeing me in pain. I couldn’t add this to his heart. I just couldn’t.”

Now I’m sobbing, hiccuping as I speak, having difficulty letting everything out to the person who played a huge role in my recovery. She welcomed me with open arms into her home, and I couldn’t even tell her I lost a baby with the only man my heart has ever belonged to, who is her brother of all people.

“Shhh.” Becca comforts me as I continue to soak her lab coat, feeling like I’m not just shedding the pain of my past but the pain I’ve recently caused to Grant’s life. I feel like I’m shedding a part of me while Becca holds me in her arms.

Eventually, my sobs slow, and I feel myself able to take in a full breath without feeling like the tears are going to threaten to take over again.

The nurse walks in, little empty tubes in her hand, ready to get me some answers about what I feel is inevitable.

Once the labs are sent off, Becca sits with me, explaining that she will not tell anyone what I just confessed. She also reassured me that whatever the results were, she would not tell a soul. She wanted me to know I was supported in whatever means I needed.

She did, however, confess that she texted Grant right when she heard I was transported to the hospital by ambulance. He responded immediately, stating he was on his way. It’s going to take him a few hours to get here, so I should know what’s going on by the time I see him in person.

It turns out that if I got pregnant when I went out to California, that would mean I’m nearly out of my first trimester. The thought that I could be that far along is mind-boggling. I don’t feel pregnant; however, with this IUD, I have some strange spotting sometimes. I have had irregular periods since I got this thing placed, and I’ve gotten used to it. The problem is, the last time I bled could have simply been implantation bleeding and not my actual period. Add to the fact I don't even look pregnant, my belly just as flat now as it was before my trip to the west coast.

Becca did say with me possibly being this far along, I could just do an ultrasound, but she felt that it should be something she did with Grant here if that’s the case. The only other is the IUD itself. She needs to do an ultrasound to see where the IUD is.

Depending on the placement, she will remove the IUD once an ultrasound is done. There is a risk of miscarriage when removed, but she said some rest will be required and that she will monitor me if my tests show I am, indeed, pregnant. Grant and I were both robbed of a positive experience last time, and all I want is to feel just a piece of happiness if this turns out to be our second chance as parents.

Chapter Twenty-One

GRANT

The drive is going smoothly this morning. My mom hugged me so tight, I wasn’t sure she was going to let me get on the road. Rick had to pull her arms off the car as she was plastered there while the driver started pulling away, prolonging our goodbye. I think it’s moments like these when she realizes how great it is having her family all in the same state. I know that my traveling is something she has never gotten used to, but after this next assignment, I’m going to start settling down. I just need to talk to Laney about it first. I think we have stuff to get off our chests, and I will begin by telling her how much my life needs her in it, in whatever capacity she will give me.

I want to be with Laney as my partner, but I need her to want the same. I will not have this relationship be one-sided, nor will I let her think that I'm going to hold this secret against her. If after everything she told me, she feels moving forward as my best friend is all she truly wants from us, then I have to allow that to be the case. But if these last few days have proven anything, it’s that I need her in my life in whatever way I can have her. I want to make the assumption that she wants me romantically, but who knows if my behavior has made her think twice about being with me.

We are only an hour out of the city at this point, and I’m itching to see Laney again. This time away from one another is so different from the countless times I’ve traveled for work. I never felt so far away from my girl as I have these last few days. I've only been a car ride away from her, and I’ve felt like our distance was oceans apart instead of miles.

Today is blue skies, and it’s hard to believe we were all staying indoors because of a storm a few days prior. I’m looking out the window when Shane pulls my attention with questions about what I’m going to do when I get into the city.

“So, you ready to do this?” he asks while he’s typing nonstop on his phone.

He’s most likely communicating with Janine, one of the women who works with him and keeps him in line. I had to chat with her once when Shane couldn’t pick up the phone a few weeks back, and she was feisty. I had a good chat with her, but I can’t imagine having that person ordering me around all day. I guess it works for Shane, though.

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