Page 44 of If Only You Hurt

The paramedics put me on a gurney, and the embarrassment is causing me to turn beet red. I hope I can laugh about this later because right now, I want to crawl under a rock.

We make the quick trip to the hospital that I know is the same one Becca works at. I don't know if she is already here for her shift today, but I better text her.

The moment the doors open to the ambulance, I realize my plan to text her is void because she’s standing there, stricken by the sight of me on a gurney.

“I’m okay,” I tell her when they bring the stretcher down and start moving me toward the emergency room entrance. “I fainted after my hot class. I think my body is just not acclimating well to the changes in temperature. This is all a bit more dramatic than it has to be. How did you find out?”

Becca’s in doctor mode, taking in what I’m telling her and giving orders even though she works maternity and not emergency.

“I must still be your emergency contact at the studio because Loni called me immediately after the paramedics left. I’m waiting for my patient to fully dilate, so I thought I’d come check on you.”

Once we are in the room, Becca continues her bossiness, not caring that I’m telling her I feel fine now.

“Also, Lynn, add a pregnancy panel to the blood work,” she says to the nurse who’s in the room taking my vitals and clicking things on the computer screen in front of her.

I start laughing. “Very funny, Becca. Pregnancy panel. You’re crazy.” I continue to laugh, thinking she’s going to join me.

When I look over, Becca is looking at me, no laughter or even a smile crossing her face.

“You can’t be serious?” I ask her.

“Let’s list off all your symptoms, shall we? Nausea, vomiting, fainting, peeing like you’re on diuretics, then eating random things. Should I go on?” She looks at me, my expression probably morphing from this being a ridiculous joke to a possibility I hadn’t thought of prior. She continues, “Yeah, I think you’re a classic case of being knocked up.”

I sit in silence, then realize once again what a preposterous idea this is. “Please, I just had sex not that long ago. I’ve had these symptoms for months, right around the time I started to teach these hot-as-hell classes. I’m drinking double the amount of water due to the hot room, along with feeling exhausted and needing more food to keep up. My body’s just not used to it yet. That’s all,” I tell her, convinced I know my body better than anyone.

“Oh no? You didn’t have sex a few months back? Maybe when you, I don’t know, went to California?” She looks at me, now sporting a sly little smirk.

My mouth drops, “Grant fucking told you? What the hell, Becca? You guys talk about that? Gross!”

She makes a face, like she sucked on a lemon. “No, disgusting. I could give two shits about what my brother does.” Then she gives me a little wink. “Or who—but I did see how chipper he was after that little getaway, so I made assumptions. Plus, you’ve had every symptom like a fucking textbook, and I made an educated guess. You know I studied this, and I see it daily, right?”

Yeah, she knows her stuff, but there’s no way. I have that IUD that can stay in for ten years. I’m not due to replace it yet.

I keep thinking about it, and Becca sits and watches me as I calculate everything in my head. As it clicks in my mind, I see Becca puff out her chest like she’s fucking Einstein. Doctors are so damn cocky.

“Is it all coming together now?” she asks, standing on her Goddamn pedestal while I can feel all the color in my face drain out.

“It’s happening again,” I whisper, feeling too much familiarity with what happened years ago.

“What do you mean?” She looks at me while tears pool in my eyes.

“This has happened to me already. I’ve been pregnant, and I miscarried.”

I look down, the tears falling from my eyes and directly on the hospital blanket in my lap. I’m still in my sweaty clothes, and the energy to change is not even close to the forefront of my mind.

“Oh, Laney. When? I’m so sorry you went through that. Your sister never mentioned anything.” She brings her arm around and squeezes me while I let her take me into her arms.

“I lost the baby the day of the shooting. I found out that morning before everything happened.” I feel like I’m reliving a nightmare, although this time, I have no idea where I stand with Grant. At least that day, when I saw those two lines, I felt confident he’d be excited. I felt like it was a new chapter for us.

But right now, I feel lost in whatever phase we are going through. I feel like we are both wandering aimlessly without one another to lean on. The fact I’m possibly pregnant for a second time, with Grant’s baby again, I feel like the parallels are absolutely crippling me right now.

Becca caresses my head, and I lean into her grasp even more.

“I had no idea. All those times I came home and complained of exhaustion after a tough delivery or even shared my story of a loss on my shift, I did so carelessly in front of you while we lived together. Your sister never told me.”

I shake my head. “I never told anyone. I only told my therapist when I moved here.”

I pull away, ashamed of my previous behavior about not leaning into the love that those around me showered me with to help me cope.

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