Page 42 of If Only You Hurt

“I need to keep up this beautiful figure, Grant. I can’t snack on that stuff all the time.”

“Don’t you spend hours at the gym?” I know from what Becca has told me, this guy works out any free second he has.

“Hey, it’s a great way to let off some steam. It might help you right now too. You doing okay?”

I contemplate how to answer and decide if there is anyone who will feel remotely similar to how I felt blindsided by Laney’s pregnancy announcement and loss, it’s Shane.

“Hey, let me ask you something. I’m sorry to dig deep here. I know Becca is my sister and all, but why don’t you hate her for not trying harder to get you back and meet Olive?” I can see the surprise pass through his features. I doubt he sat here, expecting to have this deep of a conversation with me at ten o’clock at night.

“Um, wow.” He places his plate of veggies on the coffee table in front of us, bringing his hands through his hair. “In all honesty, the moment I realized what Becs had experienced, I never once blamed her or felt anger toward her. I don’t know that I would have really sat with anger for long, even if she had kept me in the dark. I guess that’s just what love is. It’s blinding, taking away resentment in many ways.”

I don’t answer, hoping he’ll elaborate on the why behind his statements.

“I guess when I first saw Olive, I really felt confused. I will admit I was upset, seeing a grown child of mine standing before me. Initially, I wanted to turn to your sister and explain that her actions were horrible and unforgivable. Of course, I am the one who walked away and there was way more to the story. Obviously, she tried to tell me, and she went decades believing I didn’t want her, nor did I want our child together. So, I understand where your sister was coming from. Feeling rejected is something hard to pull yourself out of. And what my mom did, writing that letter under the guise it was me, solidified her future of keeping Olive to herself. I mean, I would have probably done the same had I felt that rejection the way she did with that letter.”

He’s scratching at the scruff on his chin, lost in thought. His mom is the worst if you ask me. She didn’t want Shane to feel weighed down by my sister and the pregnancy, so the woman wrote a nasty letter and passed it off as Shane’s words. Many years were lost, and now Shane is left to deal with the repercussions of her selfishness. Last I heard, he still hasn’t spoken to his mother since he confronted her after Thanksgiving.

I look at him, still unsure how I’m going to move past this pain I feel inside for what Laney kept from me all these years.

“Laney was pregnant.” At my words, Shane drops his hands and looks over at me, shock written across his features.

“I assume you know Laney was at school during that shooting at her university. She was literally in the class when the shooting started. She lost a good friend that day in her arms. Shane, I was so fucking scared I had lost her when I heard about the whole thing. Then, when I got to her, the relief that washed over me, seeing she wasn’t hurt physically, made me feel like the bulldozer that was sitting on my chest was lifted.

“I knew we would have a ton of work ahead of us as we navigated life with this immense pain as a part of her fabric, but I understood that and walked with her. Much like I always did. Turns out she was physically hurting that day too. She was pregnant. With my child. And she lost the baby that day during the shooting.”

I can see the shock continue on Shane’s face as I explain. He’s the only person aside from my mother that I’ve told since Laney confessed everything to me nearly a week ago. Shane swallows, his eyes looking down at his hand, his fingers fumbling with a piece of string sticking out of the couch cushion.

He looks up at me again, sadness taking over his expression, “I’m so sorry, Grant. I mean, really, I’m so incredibly sorry about the loss of your child. I don’t know what to say aside from that.”

“I appreciate it. The thing is, I just found out. Like, days ago.” I feel the lump building in my throat, the pain of this loss feeling like it was yesterday versus over a decade prior. So much pain, and it’s fresh for me, unlike how it feels for Laney.

“I assume this is what caused you to come up here instead of staying in the city before your next work assignment?” Shane asks, no pity evident in his tone.

“Um, well, yeah. I didn’t take to the news very well. I was upset. I didn’t want to say something I would later regret, especially because she confessed it when I was pushing her to start something more with me. Before the shooting, we were moving toward being together in that way. And the moment the shooting happened, it was like that page of our story was removed, and we went back to simply having a platonic relationship. Until a few months back, when I couldn’t fight it any longer, and we crossed that line once again.

“I pushed for more recently, and that’s when her confession flew out. I was stunned. And hurt. And, if I’m being completely honest, I felt disappointment in her for the first time in my life.”

I close my eyes, upset that I felt such a thing toward the one person who has owned my heart. Even more because she has experienced so much loss and tragedy, and I’m sitting here stuck in my own feelings of deceit when I think that’s not where her actions are coming from.

“Yeah, I get that,” Shane says, although I can tell he has more to add to this thought. “But I think it’s important to remember that her miscarriage wasn’t just that. It was a loss so profound it spans beyond the actual loss of a child. That day is etched in her memory as a day she lost a lot of who she thought she was. Add to that the fact she thought she was going to be a mother.

“She didn’t just lose something personally, something you both made together, but she lost a piece of life she will never regain. That shooting took more than a child from her. It took, in many ways, the innocence, the beauty, this life can bring to many people’s lives. She has never looked at her days the same, I can promise you that.”

I nod, knowing what he’s saying is right, but still circling back to that feeling of personal loss for me.

“I guess, for me, it spans further than the loss of that child. It just feels like despite everything I’ve done to show her she’s not alone, that I’m here for her, to live this life with her, she still didn’t feel compelled to tell me. I pushed that day she told me. But what if I hadn’t done that? What if I simply carried on, even found someone else, married someone else, she wouldn’t have ever told me? That’s what I’m stuck on.” I feel the tears pool in my eyes. I’m not one to feel ashamed for expressing myself with emotion. But I feel like I’m late to this mourning journey while Laney has processed it for so long. She’s come to terms with the loss, while it feels so fresh for me.

“Believe me, I understand that deviation in life. I mean, the woman I saw everything with did move on. She had children with another man. She let someone else love her the way I was supposed to love her. Even with all those moments between Becs and Hudson, she still loved me. She still thought of me. That sucks for Hudson, I can’t even pretend to ignore how fucked up that is, but at the same time, I realize that her finding a way to love her life in a new way, with a new path, doesn’t take away from the love she felt for me.

"And I think that’s how Laney views things as well. She loves you so much she felt like she would spare you the pain. She felt like she could hold on to the pain for the two of you instead of causing you to feel like the pain needed to be shared. I bet if given the choice, she would have spared all of you the pain she felt after that shooting as well. She would have shielded you and the rest of those around her, but she couldn’t. It was out in the open, something everyone knew about. This loss, this baby she made with you, was the one thing she could keep to herself. She could hold on to the grief and feel like it was sort of in her control at that point. I think it goes beyond the miscarriage, Grant. I think for her, it is something that has a different meaning.”

I look at him, and he continues.

“She needed to feel like she had a choice in her life after the shooting. That tragic event was not something she was ever shown how to navigate. The way everyone reacted toward her after that day is something she couldn’t feel steady about either. But the way she chose to grieve this loss of the baby is something she finally felt like she could hold in her own heart and cope with in the best way possible. Having control is very empowering, Grant. It’s something that, for some, it’s all they have. And for her, she lost a baby, but that wasn’t the only loss she had to deal with.

“I think you need to start looking at it with a new perspective. Realize that her keeping it from you has so many layers, so many facets to understand her intentions, that it has nothing to do with her wanting to hurt you or her wanting to keep you in the dark. I think it comes from a place of love, although it is hard to see that side of it right now. It’s still fresh for you. But hopefully, with some time, you’ll start to see her intentions weren’t coming from a bad place or purposely alienating. There was a reason behind it, even if it seems selfish and hard to comprehend.”

I nod but can’t form words after everything Shane has said. Hearing what he said, especially as it lines up with what my mother was saying when I first arrived, seems to make the impression it needed for me to see things a little more clearly. I needed to hear this again from someone who has felt a pain that isn’t at all the same but revolves around a life he was robbed of.

---