Page 41 of If Only You Hurt

“Just to let you know, he didn’t tell me what’s going on with you two, but he did say he needed to get away. Anything I need to be concerned about with him?” she asks, genuinely worried about her younger brother.

“I don’t think so. He’s taking a break from me, not from anything or anyone else. I kept something from him, and he has every reason to be upset now that he knows. Sorry, I’m not saying more. I just need to get things figured out with Grant before I dive into the why with others. I hope you don’t mind.”

Becca shakes her head in return. “Of course not, Laney. I understand. We all need our space and our own time to move through the motions of life. Please know I’m here for you, much like I have been. I know Grant is my brother, but you’re my family too. I know that whatever you guys are going through, whatever you failed to tell him, you had your reasons. Grant will see that eventually.” She winks, probably trying to make me feel better.

“I hope so. He’s everything to me. I’ve just gone about it the wrong way to show him that.” I’m being incredibly cagey with my words, but I have no idea how to navigate this new territory with Grant. I’m frustrated by how much unknown lies between us.

“I get that. You look a lot better this morning, though. You get some more sleep last night?” She takes a sip of tea, but keeps her eyes on me, looking me over like she’s trying to decode my emotions from this one encounter.

“Yeah. I was wiped yesterday, and I think the lack of sleep finally caught up to me.” I smile at her and hope it’s enough to shift this conversation toward something not centered around Grant and how his absence is constant in this city full of people.

Luckily, Becca must sense my need to move along and changes the subject.

“It seems like our Ellie has been hiding a little secret of her own. What do you think is going on with her and that hockey guy she’s sneaking around with? Think it’s serious?”

I laugh because Becca is all about my sister finding love again. I know how hard Beau’s loss was on everyone, but what people neglect to talk about is the emptiness the spouse feels after a loss. There’s a period of sadness and mourning, but then people go about their business. The family is left to continue life on their own and maneuver through the grief the best they can. I only got a sense of this because I live with them. I’m immersed in their grief and see the sadness reflected in my sister’s eyes.

My sister has been a pillar of strength for her family. She has put all her energy into her kids and ensuring they thrive. Somewhere in the mix, she lost a bit of that love for herself, and it seems she’s finally coming up from the sorrow she had held. Or at least I hope she is.

Becca stays for about an hour, and then she heads off. She has to force Betty to get up from the comfort of her bed, and I can see the irritation in the dog’s expression. I laugh as Becca rolls her eyes.

Once they’re out the door, I make my way upstairs to get ready for a few classes I’m teaching at the yoga studio.

“Lift your left leg up into a three-legged dog. Now, bring that leg through into a left-sided pigeon.” I’m taking large breaths in and out as I teach and my students moves through my verbal prompts.

I started to teach the hot classes in recent months, and they are taking everything out of me lately. My body is exhausted as I move through class this morning.

Top it off with the stress of not seeing or hearing from Grant in a week, and my mind is just as tired. We’ve texted, but our communication is short and to the point. He’s checking in on me, and I do the same back. We’ve never been this way with one another, and each day is adding to my anxiety.

It seems he’s spending time with his mom and niece while he’s in-between jobs. He flies out in ten days to Fiji, photographing some beach resorts for a local travel magazine. He said he’d find a moment to come back into the city before flying out from here. I just wish I knew more details instead of this cryptic messaging back and forth.

We are usually so involved in one another’s lives that this feels superficial. I hate how surface-level our conversations have become, and I hope we can find our normal interactions together again. I know he’s hurt, but I just need to know we will be okay.

Now that I have let go of this secret I carried for so long, I see things more clearly. Each day since he’s been away, the clarity that I want to be with him, completely with him, is more evident. I want all the memories in the future to be with him by my side. I just couldn't focus on us creating anything moving forward while I was holding on to old ones. I couldn't move forward without letting go of this big piece of the past.

I finish out class, the students are moving through the poses, and I’m trying to keep myself upright. The moment everyone is in Savasana, I excuse myself, stating I will meet everyone outside once they’re ready to head out.

The moment I exit the hot room, I’m hit with that cool air, and I’m gasping for breath, my body attempting to adjust to the change in temperature and humidity. As much as I started the day feeling refreshed, I began to feel awful the moment I entered that hot room today. Maybe with the days I took off after the holidays, my body is still acclimating to the hotter weather. The fluctuation of temperature from the over one-hundred-degree hot room to the winter wonderland that’s outside might be contributing to how I’m feeling right now.

I move toward the desk, fanning my face, black spots clouding my vision, as I notice a few students starting to shuffle out.

“Great class today, Laney,” I hear some students call out.

Then I feel someone touch my shoulder, “Hey, are you okay?” I recognize my student Kendra’s voice, but I feel my vision go, and soon, I’m fully engulfed in black.

Chapter Nineteen

GRANT

12 Hours Earlier

I’m flipping through the channels, trying to occupy my mind, as I’m truly feeling an emptiness without seeing or talking to Laney the way we usually do. I hear someone shuffling in the kitchen, expecting to see my mom or Rick walk through, but Shane emerges.

“Hey man, can I join you?” He has a plate of hummus and carrots. I want to roll my eyes. Doesn’t he know the proper moping food is something greasy like pizza or wings?

“Don’t look at me like that. I have to recover after your sister had a movie marathon over the holidays, and I ate so much junk food that I feel like I was preparing for hibernation. Add to the fact that Rick made so many sweets during that storm, I need to balance with some vegetables,” he says as he sits on the opposite side of the couch. He brings the plate out in a gesture of sharing with me, and I shake my head.

“Nah, man, I’m good, thanks. I need something more like Becca’s snacking tendencies versus this healthy version you think is acceptable winter eating.” I smile at him, feeling like I have a brother now that Shane’s back.

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