Page 39 of If Only You Hurt

My sister looks around, noting all the vegetables lying across the counter.

“Hey girls, why don’t you go up and wash up now and then come down to set the table.”

“Okay, Mom,” the girls say together, then yell out, “Jinx! You owe me a coke!” Once again, saying it in tandem. They both laugh and head upstairs.

Once the girls are out of earshot, my sister turns her attention to me again, and I can feel the intensity of her glare.

“What happened, Laney? You had me worried sick,” she scolds, the mom side of her taking full charge right now.

I let out a breath, exhausted by this already, and I haven’t even said anything. “Grant and I got into a bit of a disagreement, and I am just processing it.”

“That’s not like you two. What happened? Does he have a new girlfriend or something?”

Just the thought of Grant with someone else feels like a knife to the chest. I guess I want this relationship to move forward more than I gave credit to before. I feel like I need him with me in every way now that I’ve told him about the miscarriage.

“No, not a girlfriend thing. Honestly, I’m not ready to talk about it just yet. Is that okay? I don’t want to leave you in the dark, but I do want to talk to Grant, and then once I’m comfortable, I will sit you down and explain. Is that alright?”

My sister worries her lip, likely wanting to push me a bit more.

“As long as you’re okay, that’s all that matters. I’m here if you need to talk, alright? You’re not alone in whatever you’re going through.”

That’s the thing about the people who surround me; I feel their love constantly. Even with the trauma I suffered, I never felt alone. Did I feel like I had no control over my life? Definitely, but alone was never something I felt in all the moments following the shooting. I wanted space, and my loved ones kept their distance to a degree, but they ultimately made themselves known that no matter what, I wasn’t facing a future by myself. They nurtured me and loved me through all the hardships, and I never took it for granted.

Suffering through an event like I had, I was never alone when everything settled down. It dawned on me early on that I am blessed by the people I have surrounding me. I am well aware that many who witnessed what I did lacked the same love I received. Not everyone felt themselves surrounded by care and support after what happened that day at the university.

I heard that many moved toward an outlet that didn’t provide love, and it pushed them over the edge. I know some can turn to unhealthy habits to ease them through the darkness. Sadly, it just pushes them further into the depths of depression.

My sister, my parents, and my extended family in Becca and Grant have all given me the space, so I never saw myself spiraling. We all got counseling, myself, for the pain I witnessed, but for them, to figure out how to handle me and my trauma.

I smile at my sister, feeling her love in this moment yet again.

“Of course, I’ll come to you. And nothing I’m dealing with feels overwhelming to the point where I can’t handle it. I promise if that changes, you’ll be my first call.”

“You mean, your first call after Grant?” she winks. No malice in her words. It’s true, Grant is the first person I call for anything. I just hope that in light of recent events, he’ll still pick up.

Chapter Eighteen

LANEY

I can easily say today has been the best I’ve felt since Grant left the city. I may have taken my heart with him, but today is the first time I can say I feel like myself again. Last night, I crashed on my bed when I got home. The lack of sleep finally caught up to me.

My days have been long since Grant left. I’m used to him being away from me for extended periods; however, we are never on this type of break from one another. I feel lost without him, and I have no clue what comes next for us.

I knew when he found out about the baby, he would be mad, but the extent of it was always what I wasn’t sure about. In many ways, each day that passed and I held onto this secret, I knew deep down the outcome would not be good.

That fear is something that kept me from telling him as each day, each month, and then each year passed by. That might be why I always hesitated to tell him before. I guess my concern was warranted. I don't blame him for being upset, even disappointed, but I don't know if I really comprehended how difficult his cold shoulder would feel directed toward me.

I’m in the kitchen getting ready for the day when my sister and kids come rushing in. The two younger ones are trying to reach the bagels on the top shelf of the pantry while Tyler is trying to find every snack possible to carry him through during basketball practice.

“Hey. You look so much better.” My sister is forever assessing my health, so I’m glad I pass the test by the Ellie standard.

She’s looking well herself now that she seems to have found a man to keep her busy. My sister has been through so much that I’m glad she finally has someone to care for her in that way.

It’s slightly ironic that when she and Becca have finally found their footing, I’m feeling more out of control with my personal life. I have always felt like no matter what I’ve been through, I had Grant to hold me up. Now I feel like I’m trying to pull my head above water while he’s been away and upset at me.

Ellie pulls me out of my thoughts as I continuously stir my tea, looking out the kitchen window at the sun trying to win the battle over the clouds.

“Any word from Grant?” My sister still doesn’t know the details, but I did confide in her that we got in a fight regarding some things I kept from him years ago, and he was taking some time to himself.

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