Page 37 of If Only You Hurt

“Geez, did you purchase the entire store?” I chuckle. I’ve been traveling so much that I haven’t been home on the East Coast for some time to weather a storm in recent years.

“Well, you know I like to be prepared.” Rick pats his belly, and I see my mom rolling her eyes behind him. This man is all love. He has embraced all of us as his own.

“I think you may have overdone it with the random snacks, but I think with an extra mouth to feed, we will need some more food anyway. Grant, grab a bag, let’s get this stuff put away.”

I move toward Shane and give him a hug. I will admit the moment I heard my sister mention his name, a warm welcome was the furthest thing I was planning for him. But Shane, Olive’s dad, was wronged in a way I know he will never recover from.

He did break up with my sister before he ever knew she was pregnant and went twenty-five years before discovering he had a daughter with Becca. I can see each time he looks over at my niece, a part of him hurts knowing he lost all those years with her. Although I will give him credit, he’s showing up now, and I know he’s here to stay.

Once we get everything put away, we all head upstairs to get ourselves comfortable before we play our first round of Rummikub. This game can get vicious, especially if Becca’s involved. Luckily, the group that’s here tonight won’t be screaming nastiness from across the table. My sister isn’t competitive in most things, except for this game. She is full of comebacks and loves to push everyone’s buttons. A tame game of Rummikub works fine for me after the long-ass day I’ve just experienced.

Once I’m showered, and in some comfortable flannel pants and a warm long-sleeved pajama top, I pull out my phone, turning it on after I shut it off when I started the drive up to my mom’s earlier today.

Multiple messages appear, some from Ellie, some from Becca, and one from Laney. I click on Laney’s first before filtering the others.

Bean

I’m sorry for only thinking of my own feelings years ago. I promise it didn’t come from a place of malice. I really didn’t want to hurt you more, and I needed to feel some sense of control with everything that had happened. I love you, Grant. Please forgive me.

My mom was right. She was trying to keep her world in a state of some sort of control during everything that had happened. I think I still need some time to process it, but I know that my heart still belongs to her.

I look over the rest of the texts, making sure nothing urgent is happening.

Becca

Is everything okay with you and Laney? She’s been extra quiet this afternoon in her room. Ellie reached out earlier, asking if I knew what had happened. Are you okay?

Then, I find a text from Ellie expressing similar sentiments.

Ellie

Is everything alright, Grant? You seemed to have left suddenly, and Laney has been distant all afternoon. Please let me know if something happened that I need to intervene.

I decide to respond solely to Laney.

I love you, Laney. I just need some space. I came up to my mom’s and will weather the storm here. I’ll be in touch. Also, my sister and yours are worried about you. Maybe let them know you’re okay. I don’t want to overstep and tell them something you’re not ready to tell them. Please be safe in this weather. I think the city is going to get hit hard too.

Laney loved the comment, but I don’t see the three dots line the screen, signifying she’s typing. I wait an extra moment to see if something pops up, but nothing comes through.

I take the time to respond similarly to both my sister and Ellie, explaining that I needed some space and to ask Laney what’s going on. I feel like it’s cryptic, but also, I really don’t want to tell them something Laney's not ready to divulge. It’s then I really take in how private this is.

I allow my mother’s words to wash over me again, the fact that Laney’s actions came from a place of love. I am starting to realize that, but I still can’t help the sting that overcomes me when I think about how long Laney took to divulge this important piece of information.

Chapter Seventeen

LANEY

I open my eyes, and it feels like they’re lined with sandpaper. The moment Grant left my room yesterday, I felt a part of me leave with him. I just sat here, replaying our conversation, my revelation really, unable to move. I kept staring at the door he walked through, hoping he would change his mind and walk back to me, embracing me and holding me like he’s done so many times before. But the longer I waited, the more my heart fell to the pit of my stomach.

I barely slept last night. My mind wouldn’t shut off, and I felt like my entire world shattered in a matter of minutes. I saw the pain I had caused in Grant’s expression, and I’ve never seen him so hurt before. The worst part was I was at the helm of that pain.

I wanted to run after him, but I know that he needs to process the information I shared. I realize my omission is seen as selfish through his eyes. No matter the trauma I suffered, there was nothing to gain by not telling Grant sooner. He was right to be mad because if the tables were turned, I know I would be livid with him.

I walk into my bathroom and brush my teeth. I inspect myself in my reflection, realizing my face is etched with exhaustion. I feel defeated in many ways. I haven’t felt like this in some time, and I can’t help but feel my anxiety grow, wondering where we’ll go from here.

My emotions are everywhere, and feel overwhelmed with the thought that nothing will ever be the same between us. I hope I didn’t destroy years of friendship, the most important relationship with a non-relative that I have ever formulated; the possibility of never coming back from this makes my stomach roll.

I feel the tears falling down my cheeks again as I walk out of the restroom. The fact Grant needs space isn’t surprising, but knowing it’s space from me feels crippling in so many ways. He’s the person who centers me, and without us being in a good place, I feel lost.

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