Page 32 of If Only You Hurt

I continue to chat with Artie, making sure he’s going to make it to class today. We hang up, and I continue to stare at the test. Then, my gaze moves up to the reflection in the mirror. I’m still standing in my bathroom, apparently frozen in this spot, taking in the events of the last hour and trying to absorb as much of this feeling as I can. I’m excited, and I really can’t wait to tell Grant why.

I decide sleep is lost to me now; the few extra hours I’d get if I tried to return to bed are not enough to warrant going back under the covers. I get everything in order and decide to take a stroll outside. The weather is a bit chilly at this early hour, so once I find a light jacket, I go outside and begin to walk around the neighborhood.

I take in the trees and leaves that are starting to change. This fall weather is just right this time of year before the intense cold chills us to the bone. I bet Grant is enjoying the weather in Chile right now. He’s been anticipating this trip for some time, and it seems he’ll get to see things during their spring, so the pictures will most likely be spectacular.

I walk around until I find a bench, watching the sky change colors to welcome a new day with the sun. I take in how beautifully blue the sky looks, a bluebird day, as I used to say as a little girl.

My hand instinctively goes to my flat belly, and I wonder who this little human is that’s growing inside me. Who will they look like? Will this be a little girl to capture Grant’s heart and make him succumb to everything she desires? Or will this be a little boy with Grant’s cute dimples and a mix of both our eyes? Something about this what-if scenario makes it even more exciting.

I know my parents will love this child with all their hearts. I know Grace, Grant’s mom, will be filled with love for this child, much like she was when Olive graced our lives. We have love, and we have support from those around us. That’s something I don't take for granted, and I know that this child will never feel unloved.

I look down at my watch and realize I should head home and change before my morning class, the only one I have today. Hopefully, Grant can chat a bit before I get to class, but I know I’ll have to video chat with him later to tell him the news. I don’t want to feel rushed, and I want him to be able to have the freedom to stay on the phone with me for as long as he wants.

I can feel it; this day is going to be one I’ll never forget. I’ll hold on to this memory for as long as I’m on this earth, and I know my best friend will be by my side throughout it all.

Chapter Fifteen

LANEY

Present Day

For all the years I’ve held onto that secret, and this is not how I envisioned telling Grant.

That day lives on repeat in my mind, not just the shooting, but the moment I realized I had lost a baby I never really got to celebrate. The fact that I lost a piece of myself and Grant already gets cemented as a horrific day in my heart, coupled with the fact that it was the most traumatizing day of my life. I can still feel the heartbreak that coursed through me when the paramedic noticed the blood on the floor.

At first, I wasn’t able to decipher what was happening. I was so lost in grief with Artie passing away in my arms that I wasn’t registering the magnitude of my own personal loss. When I got to the hospital, it was confirmed I had lost the baby. Before my family arrived from Nebraska, I was seen by staff at the local hospital near campus. I let the staff know this baby wasn’t something I had announced to anyone yet.

My family had thought I was there for observation for what I had endured and witnessed, but in reality, the staff wanted to make sure I was not heavily bleeding following the miscarriage. They didn’t put me on the maternity floor since everyone on that floor was welcoming life while I was mourning it.

In addition to my personal loss of the baby, I was mourning the loss of my dear friend, Artie. My friend, who sacrificed his own safety to save me, knowing I was pregnant with Grant's baby. I couldn’t handle the depth of my sadness at that point. I retreated into myself and had no idea how to verbalize my emotions.

The only person who knew about my miscarriage was Evelyn once I moved to the city. My therapy sessions were filled with tears from not only watching my friend die in my arms but the reality that my baby would never take a breath. That took many sessions to process, and it was draining, to say the least.

Much like she was doing months ago on our virtual session, Evelyn has been urging me to tell Grant about the loss. But I honestly never found a good time. When I started to pull myself out of my stupor, I wanted to focus on my future, not my past. I wanted to find meaning in what my life looked like now, not how the impact of that day catapulted me into a different dimension of the life I had envisioned.

Plus, the better I did, the more weight I saw Grant lose off his shoulders. My recovery reflected in Grant's demeanor, even if he didn't mean for that to happen. The longer I went without telling him, the more I convinced myself it was better for him to live without this pain I'd carried for both of us.

For so long, I tried to find love somewhere else, in someone else’s arms, but it never felt right. Then, when Grant and I reconnected intimately in Malibu, I couldn’t fight the attraction any longer.

Maybe I was wrong in keeping this to myself, but I didn’t see what Grant would gain from knowing. It’s selfish; I know that now. By the look on his face, I can almost say with absolute certainty that I had judged this entire thing incorrectly.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asks, his voice no more than a whisper.

I look down. I can’t look at him. I feel the guilt mounting in my chest from how horribly I misjudged this entire situation. I saw everything as my pain and mine alone to bear.

“I was pregnant that day I called you. The day of the shooting.” Tears are falling down my cheeks, and I feel like my entire body is going to crumble.

There is a very likely chance we won't recover from this. Forgiveness might not be possible for him and I don't know how I'll cope with that loss on top of everything else my heart has endured.

He’s got a look of utter devastation. The weight of the silence between us is consuming me, so I repeat myself in case the words aren’t registering for him.

“The day of the shooting, that’s why I said I had to talk to you.”

He’s nodding, absorbing my words, until he finally speaks. “Yeah, I heard that part already. I missed the part regarding why you didn’t tell me this when it happened?” He’s calm, but I can feel the tension radiating off his body.

There’s barely anyone out right now. The cold streets are quiet, but even if there was a crowd moving along this path we are standing on, I think nothing could take away my focus from the look of utter heartbreak I see on Grant’s face.

It feels like we are the only two human beings here, standing in New York, our hearts being ripped out in ways I never thought possible. I thought I had already lived through my hardest day, but it seems this one is a close second, and it’s one I could have avoided had I just taken Evelyn’s advice and been honest.

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