Page 27 of If Only You Hurt

“Laney, you okay? You’re far away with your thoughts.” Grant moves my hair back off my shoulder.

I look over at him and smile. “Yeah, just thinking about things. Thanks for coming tonight. I was about to have a little panic attack with all the people entering the dance floor, but you helped me counteract that. Thank you.” I give him the biggest smile I can muster while I’m freezing my butt off.

I wore pants and a cute top, along with a huge puffy jacket, but it feels like I’m outside with a towel wrapped around me. The cold is going right through the fabric tonight.

“I’ll always be here for you, Laney,” he tells me, and I believe him.

“Yeah. But you’re not always going to physically be here, Grant. You work. You travel. That’s literally your job.” I’m not complaining, just stating the obvious. From the moment I left Wyoming, I noticed I could fall into a pattern of reliance with Grant if I wasn’t careful. I felt safe around him, and that moment he’d leave to work, I felt the anxiety creep in. I’ve made it a part of my recovery to find ways to live my life independently, so I didn’t pull him back to the point where he was stuck.

“I’d give it all up for you. Laney, you are my purpose. I’d do anything to ensure your safety.” He puts his arms around me and hugs me closer to him.

“I appreciate that. But let’s stick to what we know to be true. I can’t rely on you while you’re away. I have to find a way to navigate life on my own.” This conversation has gotten heavy for a simple evening stroll.

Grant stops, grabs me by the shoulders, and turns me so we are facing each other. I see him close his eyes, probably figuring out what he wants to say without letting his frustration show through.

I can read him like a book, and I know he’s upset about what I’m saying, but my truth is exactly that. This is our reality. As much as I want a full life with Grant, his life isn’t stationary. It’s full of movement. It’s full of adventure. I don’t see my life in that way. I like to stay put, I like order, and I like control where I can achieve it.

“Laney, please stop talking to me like I don’t know how my life is lived. I get it. I travel. I move around the world like a free spirit. I embrace change. I walk into situations where I have no idea how they will turn out. But never, not for one second, believe that you aren’t my home. You are my compass, and I’m constantly making sure the direction of my arrow points back to you. I’m sick of fighting this. I’m tired of walking away, wondering if you’ll let me in. I want in. I want you. I want forever. Please. Life is full of unknowns, but nothing about what I feel about you is questionable. It’s fact.”

I feel a single tear fall down my cheek. Our love for one another has never been questioned. It’s the ability to love. It’s his ability to know everything and still want my heart that I worry about.

How can he say all the right things, all the words that make my heart soar, yet I know the minute I say what I’ve held on to for so long, his words might be taken back? The unknown that lies between us keeps me from saying anything in return. It’s at the tip of my tongue to confess, but I simply nod. The lump in my throat is consuming me, and I can’t get words out.

This appeases him enough, and without another confession from either of us, we continue walking until we get home.

At some point in the night, I wake from my sleep, gasping. I had a night terror. I relived that dreadful day, but instead of Artie, I was holding Grant. I’m pulling as much air into my lungs as I can. I haven’t had a nightmare in a few months. They come and go, seeming to increase when I go out into a crowd, much like I did tonight.

I look to my side and see Grant’s side of the bed empty. I must have crashed right when we got back. I was wiped. I brushed my teeth, feeling my body deplete the longer I stayed awake. Grant was still getting ready for bed when I laid my head on my pillow and fell into a blissful sleep. Too bad I didn’t stay that way.

I get up to use the restroom, and when I come out, Grant is making his way through the room.

“Sorry, did I wake you when I got up?” He looks over at me, in his boxers and no shirt. Gosh, he’s gorgeous.

I shake my head. “No. Nightmare woke me.”

I see the sadness cross his features, and I know that as much as I hate the trauma that I live with, it guts him that this is my life.

We both make our way back to bed, and once lying back down, he stretches his arm out, my head resting in the crook of his armpit. My upper hand immediately moves to rest over his tattoo, and I run my fingers along his skin, loving how soft he feels under my touch.

He moves his fingers through my hair, each movement pulling me into a state of calm.

“I’m sorry you woke up in a panic. I hate that you experience that fear when your body should be in a state of rest.” He kisses the top of my head, and I can easily say I’ve never felt so loved by another human.

He lulls me to sleep with his movements in my hair, and soon, I fall into a state of slumber, and luckily, my dreams don’t take me back to darkness.

Chapter Thirteen

GRANT

January 2024

Laney is sitting next to me with what I would say is a look of awe on her face. Since moving to New York, she has never taken a dive and gone to a Broadway show. I knew it would be a leap for her, but I think if we have a goal for this new year, it’s to try some new things. I think it’s time to start living life to the fullest.

For Christmas, I took a leap and got us tickets for the Broadway show Aladdin. I know how much she loves the movie, mostly due to the endless times I had to watch it on repeat growing up, and I can easily say those are memories I now cherish. It may have taken a decade to get her in a crowded theater like this one, but now I get to see the smile spread across her face.

I reach over and grab her hand, and she looks over at me, her eyes shining with unshed tears. I know how hard this was for her. The moment we walked in and took our seats, I felt the rigidity of her shoulders. I could feel the tension radiating off her, and my heart sank. I started to regret my purchase, but then the show started and I saw her come to life. She hasn’t looked away from the performers in front of us for longer than a second, and my regret started to dissipate, and now I feel in awe of her strength.

That’s all Laney does: surprise me with her incredible heart and ability to try, even if at first she feels hesitant. I’ve learned that as long as Laney trusts the person or people surrounding her, she’ll take a leap. But I also know that pushing her will only set us back. I’ve taken incredibly small steps forward throughout the years, and now I see that it has paid off.

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