Page 25 of If Only You Hurt

“Losing Grant is my biggest fear. For so long, our relationship wasn’t threatened, but since everything happened years ago, this has felt like something he will never be able to see past with me. I can almost see his expression of pain and sadness when I say it out loud to him. I’ll break him, Evelyn. I just know I will,” I sigh and feel the tears pooling in my eyes. I know my fears are warranted, but the way I’m holding off on saying something is making this whole thing so much worse.

“Laney, that is definitely a possibility. He could be angry. He could choose to walk away. We’ve talked about that scenario and I know how heartbreaking that would be for you and for him. But let’s think of something else. What if he doesn’t leave you behind? What if he finds it in him to understand your point of view? I think you need to give him this opportunity to shine for you. You’re not only holding onto this big piece of the puzzle, but you’re decided how he’s going to react and walk away. You’re not giving him the opportunity for your love for one another to shine. That’s not fair.”

“You’re right. Everything you’re saying makes sense. I just feel a bit fragile letting this out after so long. I can’t guarantee I will say anything before the holidays. I’m going to try though.” I sit up taller, determination in my posture.

“You’ll figure out when the right time is. Just know you aren’t alone. And even if Grant is angry, you have to let him be to figure this out for himself too. Don’t disregard him if he needs space afterwards. Remember that,” she says and I nod in agreement.

We finish the call and I know that I need to find the right time to confess everything that happened years ago. The problem remans: when is the right time to possibly ruin everything with the man you love?

“Take a collective breath in, then open your mouth and let it all go. Let go of your worries, your frustrations, your pain, and simply feel the strength you possess on your mat right now. Nothing else will serve you while you’re in this room. Feel free to continue in Savasana for as long as you’d like. I will be at the front desk when you’re ready to make your way out.”

I make the announcement to my yoga students as class comes to an end and make my way through the bodies lying on their mats, each one on a personal journey while in this sacred room. There’s something transformative about yoga in general, but now that I’ve started teaching the new hot classes Loni began offering, I feel a different experience teaching this area of yoga.

I feel a wave of nausea take over, and I concentrate on my breath, calming the discomfort as I get closer to the door and into an area of fresh air. I grab my phone, the music playing softly through the studio speakers, and I walk out into the lobby of the yoga studio. I let the coolness of the air conditioning flowing through the hallway wash over me. Soon, the nausea subsides, and it’s like nothing was ever wrong. I brush it aside, hoping whatever it was passes quickly. I’m always catching germs from my sister’s kids, and this is probably a last-minute Thanksgiving treat the kids have brought home.

Loni isn’t in today, so I will be locking up after this class. I’m looking at the computer, making sure everything is ready for the weekend, when a few from my class start to filter out into the lobby. They’re giving me well wishes for a happy Thanksgiving holiday and the gratitude I feel as I see everyone is washing over me. I took next week off to spend with family and to visit with my parents and Becca’s oldest, Olive, while she’s in town.

With Thanksgiving less than a week away, I’m feeling my excitement build in anticipation of seeing everyone. My parents, although still living in Saddle Ridge, will be in town. They aren’t home much these days, using this time to travel and usually making frequent stops here in New York to visit all of us now that their whole family resides in one place. The worry my parents have for me is constant, but seeing them let go a bit and travel gives me hope that they’re seeing me thrive more than suffer.

Tonight, I’m kicking off the weekend by going out with Becca and my sister. Ellie has been struggling with a difficult parent of one of her students, and she needs a night out. I didn’t want to join; if I’m being honest, crowds in confined places continue to be a source of stress and anxiety for me. But I could see the excitement on my sister’s face when she proposed said girls’ night, so it’s in the works for a few hours from now. Grant has permission to crash, and I hope he does so early on because his presence soothes my nerves.

I’m typing something into the computer when I hear a throat clear in front of me. I look up and find one of my regular students standing there, nerves evident on his face.

“Great class, Laney. Thanks so much. Always wonderful watching you teach.” Yeah, he’s nervous and uncomfortable. He’s been in my class many times in the last year since he started here at the studio, and by now, I’d expect him to feel a little more at ease around me, but he’s still bashful in many ways.

“Thanks, Tad. I appreciate your dedication to your practice. Your tree pose is really coming along. I remember when you had issues balancing, and now you’re swaying your arms with minimal movement of your standing leg. That’s amazing.” He smiles as I say this.

I move from behind the desk, saying my goodbyes to more students while Tad nervously stays planted where he has been. As I wave to one of the students walking out the door, I turn my attention back to Tad.

“Um, so Laney, I was wondering if, um—” He coughs, clearly having issues getting his thoughts together. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and I swear I hear him say under his breath, get it together. “Yeah, so I was wondering if you have plans this weekend.”

I’m shocked, to say the least. I’m not usually one to date a student, especially one from the studio I don’t see myself leaving anytime soon. The awkwardness this would pose if things didn’t work out would really throw off my chakras. Plus, my whole Grant situation, it’s a hard pass.

I’m about to answer when I hear a voice I didn’t expect.

“Sorry, man, she has plans with me all weekend.” Grant’s imposing frame stands next to me, his arm coming over my shoulder.

I look up at him, my brows furrowing with his alpha male personality shining through. Grant is usually so easygoing that it’s rare to find him acting like this. I can handle myself right now, and I can’t help the irritation that bubbles from Grant pushing himself into this conversation.

“Oh, sorry. Um, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.” Tad is looking at me, discomfort etching in all his features now. Shit, this is exactly why I try to avoid situations like these.

“Now you know,” Grant says, his smirk coming out full force.

Tad pretty says a few quick goodbyes and nearly sprints out of the studio. I watch him leave, amazed he didn’t leave a puff of smoke in his trail like Wylie Coyote.

The moment Tad is out of sight, I bring my gaze to Grant, who is full-blown smiling, dimples popping and all.

“What the hell, Grant? I think you made him wet his pants.” I move from under his arm.

Grant doesn’t seem phased by his behavior and rests his tall frame against the front desk.

“Well, Laney, last I checked, we have some unresolved things to discuss. I think it’s safe to say you and I are more a thing than you and your student would be. Also,” he looks me right in the eyes when he adds, “let’s stop running from this.”

Oh my goodness. So, after all these years, this is finally coming to the surface? Here at the yoga studio where I’m currently standing in my sweaty gear and looking like a drowned rat. Gross.

Shit, the nausea is making itself known again. I’m about to say something, but instead, I make my way through the studio to the back, where I throw the bathroom door open and rush to the toilet. I feel that nasty taste overpower my salivary glands, but then the feeling subsides.

I walk to the sink and throw some cold water on my face. I look up and find Grant behind me, his easy, charming smile gone, now replaced with concern. His eyebrows furrow as he looks at me. I see my reflection in the mirror in front of me. I’ve gone pale.

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