Page 22 of If Only You Hurt

October 2023

I’m driving up the coast with Laney beside me and all I feel is complete. She’s got her hair down, her beautiful red locks flying as we feel the fresh breeze on our faces. We made our way up Pacific Coast Highway into Malibu to enjoy one night near the water. Tomorrow, we begin our drive to Joshua Tree, and I know this will be a great time to unwind and soak up some necessary self-connection.

Since Laney took up yoga, I started to practice as well. I found it soothing to move my body in a way that was slower than my usual pace. I still surf where possible, but yoga has been incorporated as something in my daily routine. I’m not as bendy as Laney is by any means, but I can get myself moving enough to keep up.

I peek over at her again, her eyes closed, and I can see her shedding layers of her previous pain off as we move along the road. Our hotel is close by, and we will have a nice view of the ocean while we’re here tonight. I splurged a bit on tonight’s accommodations because I feel like this trip is one we’ll carry with us for a lifetime. Plus, I barely have expenses as I haven’t really settled down and have saved quite a bit over the years. My work has taken off, and it’s been nice to travel the world and soak in the cultures of different lifestyles in different countries.

I’ve kept my promise to take my time with Laney as she found her path down her recovery. I’ve learned a lot about trauma and recovery. I’ve also learned a lot about myself. This entire process has been a learning experience for not only Laney as she’s figured out life since that ill-fated date but also one where I’ve realized what love really looks like between two people.

I have to keep reminding myself that the goal isn’t to bring the old Laney back but to find ways to show this new version of her that life has beauty. Life should not be lived with the expectation that something is hiding in a dark corner, waiting for the ugliness to appear. It’s about thriving despite the darker days trying to loom over us.

The last ten years have been painful for me. When Laney first moved to the city, I put too much emphasis on thinking that the change in location should have cured her. I was hell-bent on getting my old girl back. I was fighting demons that just couldn’t be taken down.

Frustration was a constant state for me when I’d leave on an assignment, my anger being taken out in the form of my mornings in the water or hours at the gym. I was impatient, and the more I attended therapy, either remotely or in person, I started to learn that my role was to be supportive, not overpowering. I knew that was how I started this process, but when you’re seeing someone you love fall into a deeper Hell, it’s hard to keep a clear mind.

I realized that if I kept up with the way I was approaching Laney and her recovery, trying to recover someone who no longer existed, I would lose her for good. I decided to take a step back and restructured my game plan. I think it has shown so much more of our love for one another, and I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. This trip is part of that light.

With time came clarity, and I started to navigate this road with her with more openness, and that helped us build a more solid ground on which we could both walk together. Our friendship was never compromised from where I stood, but it felt like the fragility of her experience was at the forefront of our minds constantly. Once we found a way to move through our lives with that, instead of finding a way to push it into the past, it felt like a weight was lifted.

I pull onto the road leading to the hotel. The moment we get closer to the valet, Laney looks over at me.

“Um, Grant, where are we? I thought you said you booked a simple little spot for us to settle for the night. I’ve seen this place on Instagram,” she rambles and I simply chuckle. At that, she realizes I’ve got a little plan so she continues, “It’s too nice. I can’t let you do this.”

“Bean, what’s the point of traveling the world and seeing my career take off if I can’t enjoy these moments with my favorite person? Come on. Let’s go check it out.” I am just as excited to see this place as she is.

The moment we step out of the rental car and take in our surroundings, I smile because I can hear the ocean perfectly from here. The waves crashing against the rocks below and all the beauty life has to offer right at our fingertips. I grab Laney’s hand and walk through the lobby.

Once we are checked in and make it to our room, Laney runs toward the balcony attached to our suite. It’s absolutely breathtaking. But the most beautiful part of this trip is in the form of the gorgeous redhead in front of me, with the eyes reminding me of an endless field of grass. She chose to wear a huge sun hat, and she could be right out of a beachwear catalog. She looks the part here, and I can’t help but feel the warmth of her love take over all my senses.

“Grant, this is amazing. Thank you for doing this. You didn’t have to go through all this trouble, but seeing this, it’s just… wow!” She turns toward me, and her smile is enough to knock me on my knees. I see everything I want in life in her gaze. I just hope that she will see that in me at some point.

Life with Laney completes me. She brings purpose to my days. She never stopped giving me the love I needed to walk toward tomorrow, even in her toughest and darkest moments.

She looks back out to the ocean, then proceeds to close her eyes and take a big breath of the ocean air. When she exhales, she opens her beautiful eyes, and she just stands there. I imagine she’s reflecting on everything that led to this moment. I know how survivors of trauma live with a lot of guilt, and I hope that in this moment, she can feel the life she’s living and not the lives that cannot be here to experience this.

As I stand there, I hear a knock at the door. Laney stays put, knowing it’s likely the bellhop. Once I retrieve our belongings, I start to put her bags and mine near our prospective beds. It took everything in me not to book a single bed, but I tried to be mindful of where she’s at. I can’t push her, but damn if I didn’t think about being forced to be near her in that intimate way again.

I’ve been with women since my last time with Laney. I wish I could say I wasn’t trying to forget about the pain I was harboring regarding all that happened to her, but I was angry. I went through a period of time where I coped in the best way I knew how each time I traveled. I drank, I met women, and I moved on from each one. No connection felt right, and each time, I went back to my girl, hoping things would be better. But I started to pull myself out of that hole I dug myself and felt like she needed me to be strong.

Much like my mother always said about her life with my father when he was still alive, a relationship is about being the support when your partner feels the weight of life on their shoulders. I never saw Laney as weak, but she needed comfort, and she needed to feel like she could lean on us when she was early in her recovery.

Once Laney’s done looking at the ocean, she turns around to find me sitting on the edge of the bed. She stares at me for a moment, almost like she’s getting the courage to do something. Then she saunters over, a little more confidence than I’ve seen in her in more than a decade, until she stands between my legs. My knees open for her to walk closer to me, and the moment she’s standing mere inches from me, she brings her fingers through my hair.

I angle my head back, her touch causing me to close my eyes. I haven’t had Laney’s touch in this way in so long that I have forgotten what it felt like. The electricity I remember coursing along my skin is still there, maybe even more intense than it had been in the past. I open my eyes, and I see her looking at me much like she used to when we were barely adults.

My hands are along the outside of her thighs, and I let them travel up, gauging her reaction to my touch. Her eyes are hooded, and she leans even further into me, and my palms move up her back underneath the shirt she’s wearing.

As I glide my hands across her skin, I can’t help but feel the connection go beyond our touch. Everything I love about her goes further than what I see in front of me. I love her down to her soul. I feel her pain in my heart. I feel her accomplishments deep inside, which always fuels me to move in a better direction.

Before I have time to think past my hands on her, she bends down and captures my mouth. This connection, feeling her lips on mine, feels like seeing the stars after years of only being engulfed in a haze. I open for her, and soon, she’s pushing me backward to lay my upper body down on the bed.

At first, I’m stunned. I am in utter shock this is happening. Of course, anytime I get with Laney, I hope she will open up to me again. I have wished to have this back with her more times than I can count, but I can’t say it has been an expectation since everything changed that fall day.

Soon enough, though, we become frantic as we both seem scared to break our connection. There’s fear that we’ll snap out of this, and seeing her push me away is the last thing I want. I have needed her like I need my next breath; my life depends on feeling her by my side.

I feel her pull away, and I feel the uptick of fear within myself, thinking she’s regretting this between us. I quickly find that all she wants is to remove my shirt, so I help her, and soon, I’m completely exposed from the waist up. She begins to plant kisses along my neck and down my clavicle. Then, she’s moving further down my torso, but I notice she suddenly stills. I look down and see her inspecting the side of my body.

I know what she’s taking in. She hasn’t seen me without my shirt on in a long time. I felt like I shouldn’t push her after the incident, so I made sure I didn’t make her uncomfortable. But now she sees what’s on my body, and I don’t know if she’s going to kiss me harder or run for the hills.

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