Page 10 of If Only You Hurt

“I know, but I miss you more each time you leave. I hate this.” I jut my lower lip out like a toddler, and I have no shame in my behavior.

Grant moves in front of me and gives me a big bear hug. “You know I love you, Bean. Thank you for making my summer brighter.” He kisses my cheek, and I can’t help but wish I had moved my head so he accidentally kissed my lips.

Yes, I’m mentally crossing that line because that’s the only thing I can do at this point. Technically, we are crossing the ultimate line come May, but there’s so much time and water under the bridge until then to see that happen.

“Please text me when you land.” He nods and gives me another hug. I love Grant’s embraces. He gives me such a tight squeeze; it’s hard to imagine life without this type of love. That’s when it dawns on me just how much is on the line if I were to tell Grant my true feelings for him. I can’t risk losing this. He’s the one person I feel most connected to. Our relationship is based on absolute love, and I can’t walk away from that, ever. Ultimately, I’ll continue to hide my feelings because losing him just isn’t something I can face.

Chapter Five

GRANT

2011

I’m flying out to Saddle Ridge, and I can’t help the nerves that have hit me on this flight. This is it, the moment of truth.

A few weeks back, Laney came out to attend my prom, and my girlfriend, I should say ex-girlfriend, wasn’t happy. Shawna knew I was taking Laney. I was very transparent with her about my plans to take my best friend. I was a man of my word, and going against the pact I made with Laney was not something I felt comfortable doing.

I hate to say it, but Shawna was never someone I saw forever with, so I felt like spending my prom with Laney wasn’t a huge decision for me. Yes, I had a girlfriend, but like I said, this was something I was honest about when we started dating in January. She said she thought I’d change my mind as we got more serious.

I started dating Shawna after we spent some time paired up as partners for a science project. It was right after winter break, and Laney was dating someone at that time, so I felt like I needed to prepare for her to back out of our prom agreement. The thing was, my heart was never in it with Shawna. As much as I enjoyed hanging out, she and I were complete opposites. So when she got mad that I hadn’t changed my mind about taking Laney to prom, it made me question where did she see this going? I mean, we both graduate soon, and I have plans to travel. I don’t plan on being in New York City much longer.

I met a guy through my brother-in-law who works at a travel magazine. He told me about travel photography, and everything he said fit exactly into what I would want to do as a career. Looking into it further and with the help of this connection through Hudson, I realize this career path is perfect for me.

That being said, I’m off on a new adventure after graduation. I’ll visit with Laney before she heads to Wyoming for college, then I’m off to travel the world. My first stop is Canada, as I have never been there, and the things I’ve researched have inspired me to capture the scenery. Plus, it’s not too far away from home and has an amazing landscape to capture some epic photos.

I need to start building my portfolio. My mom gifted me a nice camera for my eighteenth birthday, and I can’t wait to put it to use. I’ve been taking pictures throughout the city, and I think with proper guidance, I could really perfect this skill. With social media taking off, I’m going to start using that as a platform to showcase my work as well.

Having all these plans, I know a relationship won’t survive my schedule and the distance. The only relationship I have managed to hold on to despite the distance is that with Laney. She’s my pillar, my rock, and I can’t ignore that my love for her is now growing beyond friendship. And to say I didn’t feel even an inkling of that with Shawna just shows that she wasn’t a right fit for me. We almost had sex; I mean, I am a guy after all. But luckily, I saw that it would only complicate things with her. I just broke up with her a week before my prom and to say things are tense when we pass one another down the halls is the biggest understatement.

Last we spoke, Laney said she wasn’t with anyone, so hopefully, both of us being unattached will make for a fun prom. Anything is better than what I experienced at my own. Laney looked beautiful that night, and she was the best companion, especially as someone who doesn’t go to school with my classmates. But Shawna was shooting daggers at my best friend all night. Her immaturity was showing that evening, and it confirmed I had made the right decision to break things off with her. Maybe it was a dick move on my part, but I think I would be a bigger asshole if I had kept stringing her along, knowing I didn’t see a future with her.

I can’t pretend the proposition Laney put on the table last summer wasn’t at the forefront of my thoughts as well. No, I had not slept with anyone, and for some reason, I really didn’t want to. I wanted to save that for Laney just as much as she was saving that experience for me. Now that I knew she was up for it, I wanted it just as much as she did, although my reasons might be centered behind the fact that I love her beyond friendship, and if this is as close as we can get to me showing her that side of my feelings, so be it.

The pilot announces our descent into Nebraska, and my heart accelerates. I’ll be seeing my favorite person in minutes, and the fact we are planning on sharing a special time together this weekend is something that makes me excited but also nervous. I know that we have both had relationships with other people since we made this pact in the summer, but it’s always different with Laney. I feel like everything with Laney has a deeper meaning. I know she sees this as something to check off a list, but for me? I love her deeper than simply our friendship. It’s just something I haven’t confessed because I have a legitimate fear I’ll lose my favorite person as a result of my honesty.

The moment I feel the wheels touch down, I grab my weekender, which I made sure could house a tux for prom without wrinkling it. Luckily, Rick had one that allowed me to lay my suit flat and folded into itself. I make my way through the aisle, and I wish I could push everyone out of the way to get to Laney. I’m itching to see her, and I just saw her a few weeks back.

The moment I walk through the arrivals section of the airport, I see Laney holding up a sign that says, Will you go to Prom with me? I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. The minute I get close enough, I throw my bag beside me and pull her into a hug, picking her up in the process. Laney isn’t short, about five-nine, but I’m six-three, so I’ve got some height over her.

“Hi, Bean. I missed you.” I give her a kiss on the cheek, put her down, and look at her face. Shit, I love her more than all the peonies in this world. I just wish I had the balls to tell her, but the fear mounts each time I think about it because having Laney in my life is necessary, much like my next breath. I can't compromise what we’ve built.

“I missed you too. I’m so happy you’re here.” She waits for me to pick up my bag and she holds onto the opposite hand, our fingers interlacing. I know anyone looking at us probably assumes we are romantically involved because, in all senses of the word, we are. I show Laney all the best parts of my heart, and I believe she shows me hers.

As we are walking to the car, Laney is telling me all about who we are sitting at prom with and what the theme is. I can tell she is vibrating with joy about this weekend, and I can’t help but share the sentiment. When she left New York after my own prom, I could tell Shawna’s behavior bothered her. I tried to reassure her that Shawna’s childish attitude was uncalled for, and I really hoped my words sunk in. That reminds me, I have to talk to her about my prom.

“Listen, I wanted to apologize again for Shawna at prom a few weeks back,” I begin as we both buckle up in her Jeep. Anytime I’m around Laney, she hands me her keys, and it’s assumed I will drive instead of her. I turn the key and hear the car come to life. “I am so embarrassed by her behavior.”

Laney swings her head, her eyes wide. “Oh, Grant, her attitude isn’t your fault. She’s a spoiled brat.” She covers her mouth as if she didn’t mean to say something bad about my ex. Laney may have her opinions about the girls I’ve dated, but she is usually pretty quiet about them.

“Did I realize I was dating a selfish princess after what I witnessed at prom? Yes, and I'm embarrassed I ever went out with someone like that after I saw the way she behaved. I still can’t get over how she treated you.” I back out of the parking spot and make my way through the parking garage.

Laney’s playing with the ends of her hair, the red strands always pulling my attention because she simply immerses me in her movements no matter where we are.

“Yeah, well, I feel bad. I mean, she was pretty upset I was your date. I sort of caused that with this promise we made last summer. And I get it; she liked you, and I was in the way of that.” She’s biting her bottom lip, worrying about how her request may have fueled this rift between my ex-girlfriend and me.

“Listen, Bean, you know I love you. I will always choose you over anyone else. That’s guaranteed. But Shawna didn’t show me her best side that night, and I don’t see forever with her, so that night only solidified my decision to break up with her when I did.”

Laney is pensive and nodding even though I’m not talking anymore. “Okay, well, I’m sorry you experienced all that with her. But I’m not going to pretend I’m not relieved you’re not together anymore. She was awful, Grant.” She sighs at the end.

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