Page 31 of Trash Talk

“Coffee?” He nods, and I walk into my tiny kitchen to make a pot. It gives me breathing room and my hands something to do. On one hand, I want to jump on him, wrap my body around his, tell him I love him and take him to bed. On the other hand, this feels stilted and awkward, it’s odd having him in my house when sex might not be on the menu. I mean, I hope it still is. Maybe I should stop being a Negative Nancy and give him a chance to explain. If it’s good, maybe I’ll reward him with… okay, get your mind out of the gutter. Fix the coffee. Open your ears, close your mouth, and let him explain himself. I shouldn’t feel this nervous. We’ve been having sex for over a month, heck we’ve been on several dates. We chat almost daily. I thought I was keeping everything compartmentalized.

My God, I was stupid. I thought I could isolate him from my life; he is my life. I thought I’d need to choose. He’d never make me do that. He’s always put me first. Now I know, I’d give up everything to be with him, and it wouldn’t be a sacrifice. But he’d never let me, he’s given me more than I could ever want. All the things I need. Companionship, trust, confidence, love. He’s given me everything, and if he’ll let me, I’ll give it right back for the rest of our lives. Because I love him. I. Love. Knox Teller. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve loved him for a long time. Like, it may have been the real reason I asked him to take my virginity. I was just too stubborn or naive to realize my own feelings. But whoever said, ‘it’s a thin line between love and hate,’ really knew what the hell they were talking about. I fucked up so much. I need to get it right this time.

I hand him his cup and sit on the couch. It’s big enough for us both, but he takes a seat opposite me in the armchair. There’s an apology written all over his face, but he hasn’t made a move to break the silence. I don’t know if I’m ready for this conversation, but I can’t bear the suspense any longer. He knows strained silences are my weakness.

“Just say it Knox.”

“What?”

“Whatever you came over here to tell me, say it. I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’ve got very little patience right now. Even though I promised Em I would wait.” Shit. I hadn’t meant to say that. Why is this so hard? Because I’ve never been completely honest with him, for fear he’d hurt me. Hell, I’ve never been a hundred percent honest with myself. I can’t just continually fuck up or miss opportunities. Just say the words, Ruby. “I’m sorry, Knox. I…”

“I’m sorry, Ruby,” he says at the same time. Wait. He’s sorry?

“Okay, why are you sorry?” I urge him to continue. I said I’d wait. So, I’m going to sit here until he starts talking again. Even if it kills me.

“God, this is so shitty. I can’t believe it’s happening again.” Again? What is he talking about? I sip my coffee. If I don’t, I’ll open my mouth. And at this point, who knows what will come out. “I’m just going to say it. I’m going to tell you a story, but I need you to wait until it’s finished before you say anything, okay?” I nod and sip my coffee again.

He blows out a deep breath, “Okay. So, I drove down to Charleston in April. I was in John and Jess’s wedding; you probably don’t remember them. We went to high school together. Well, they’re both still friends with Brit too.” I hear myself suck in a breath. I’m praying this story isn’t going where I think it’s going. I bite my lips to keep any sound coming out.

He swallows and continues, “well, we were there, walked down the aisle together, took some pictures and then nothing. The next thing I know, I’m waking up in my hotel room. And I wasn’t alone. I don’t know how she got there. Hell, I don’t even know how I got there. I had two drinks. Maybe three, but the entire night is a total blank. I asked her to leave the next morning and let her know I wasn’t interested in getting back together. She said she understood.” He pauses and takes a gulp of his coffee, like that story left just as bad a taste in his mouth as it did mine. We weren’t together then. And even though I hate hearing about him being with someone else (especially Brit because she’s such a bitch), it’s not like he cheated. He made a mistake. Who hasn’t?

“Well, Monday, when we were supposed to do dinner and I was tied up; it was with Brit.” He must see my murderous expression because he powers on quickly, “not like that! She showed up on my doorstep with a pregnancy test in her hand. I wanted to make sure she was actually pregnant, and this wasn’t some sick joke, so I asked her to make an appointment with a doctor and show me the results. She went yesterday afternoon.”

I think my heart is in the process of cracking in half. It’s so loud, it muffles all other sounds around us. His voice is light; like he’s far away from me.

Again.

It’s happening all over again. The last time this happened, he chose her. I can’t go through that again. I shut my eyes tight to stop the tears, but it’s no good. I cried so much the last couple days, I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. Turns out, I was wrong.

“I’ve been going crazy all week. I didn’t want to say anything to you until I knew something for sure. I knew if you got me alone, I couldn’t keep it from you. So, I avoided you all week. When you saw me at the bar Thursday night, she showed up to ask me to go to her appointment with her. She didn’t want to take a cab home and asked me to drive her. That’s why I left. But I promise I just dropped her off at her house; nothing happened between us. I don’t want her.

"I picked her up yesterday afternoon and took her to the appointment. Those results rocked me, Ruby. I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready. It’s taken me some time to process. I was a complete chicken shit; it’s no excuse, but I was terrified of how you’d react. My mind kept playing on a loop, how you reacted last time. The choices I made last time. God, Ruby. I’m such a fucking idiot. I swore I’d never go near her again. I haven’t drank more than a couple beers since the wedding. Alcohol may be my livelihood, but it’s done its fair share of damage to my life over the years too. I’m sorry, baby. So fucking sorry.”

I sit in silence. Unable to get my racing thoughts together. I can’t believe we’re doing this again. And again, my first thought is, ‘is the baby even his?’ I know that makes me a bitch. But I’ve never trusted Brit. She’s always been out for what she can get. Even in high school, she only dated Knox because it increased her popularity. I wonder why she’s doing this now. She must be getting something out of it. But what? Sure, Knox is a catch, but there has to be more to it.

He said he didn’t remember the night at all. It isn’t like Knox to get so drunk; he blacks out. Can a man even perform when he’s blacked out?

“Please, say something, Ruby.” I hate the torment I see in his eyes. I hate that his heart is breaking too. But I need to know something before I lay everything on the line.

“What are your plans?” My voice is strangled and the heavy weight of anticipation rests on my chest. He has the power to crush me with his next words.

He takes a deep breath and looks me in the eyes. “If it’s mine, I want to be in my child’s life. But I told Brit, we don’t have a future together as anything more than co-parents. I want you, Ruby. I know how fucked up this whole situation is. I know it’s not fair, and I don’t have any right to ask this of you, but I want to be with you. I lo…” I don’t let him finish. I know what he’s going to say. And this time, I want to say it first. I launch myself into his arms and attack his face with my mouth. Peppering kisses everywhere, I slide my knees to straddle his thighs. And pull back to look in his eyes.

“I love you, Knox. I want to be with you too. We’ll handle whatever the future brings together, okay? You made a mistake. But I’ve made several too. We’ve wasted so much time as it is; I don’t want to waste another minute without you.”

His bright smile shines through to heal the damaged pieces of my heart. “You mean it?” I nod; I don’t care what difficulties lie ahead for us as long as we can face them together. Brit is not a woman I’d like to co-parent with, but I will make it work if it means keeping Knox in my life. And that baby will be part of him, so I know I’ll love it too. I meant what I said. I don’t want to waste another second. I’m jumping into this relationship with both feet this time. I’m not going to let my fear of being let down stop me. I let myself down. I wasn’t honest about my feelings; it’s partially my fault we’re in the mess were in now. But I don’t want to play the blame game either. I want to do something about a million times more fun.

Knox leans in and kisses me deeply. His lips move to my jaw, then my ear. “What do you wanna do now, Shorty?” God, his voice is sexy. I have two and a half hours before I have to go into work, and I know just how I want to spend them.

“Take me to bed, Knox. Make love to me.” He scoops me up, carries me to my bedroom and does just that. And it’s the best morning I’ve had in a long time. It may be the best morning ever.

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