Page 25 of Trash Talk

I nod, “I can’t believe he actually retired.”

“Yeah. He was being stubborn about it, but it was time. His arthritis is getting bad.”

“I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say so I don’t say anything, and we sit in silence again. It’s not as uncomfortable as I thought it’d be. He starts slowly massaging my shoulders. God that feels good; I don’t want him to stop. How did he know I needed this? I feel my body slowly relaxing, my inhibitions breaking down, but I can’t just sit here and let Knox rub me down all night. Skatá, that sounds way too inviting. I need to get back inside where I can hear mom. It’d kill me if something happened while I was out here, and I wasn’t there when she needed me.

“Thank you, Knox.” I barely manage to scrape out, my voice rough as sandpaper. I guess scream-crying isn’t conducive to functioning vocal chords.

“Any time. You know I’m here for you, right?” I don’t, but I nod anyway. It reminds me of a promise he made a long time ago. I haven’t considered Knox a friend for a while, but it hasn’t felt terrible to slip back into old habits.

“You’re gonna be okay, Shorty. You and your mom; you’re gonna be okay.” His voice is so compelling, I almost believe him. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear those words. After chatting with Barry, it’s such a relief that someone has faith in me. I almost let another sob out but bite my lip to stop it from escaping. I don’t trust my voice, so I just keep nodding. He has to know how much I appreciate his words.

“What do you need?” I don’t know. And in the state I’m in, I don’t trust that I’ll have a healthy answer. Being this close to him, letting him touch me, comfort me, is messing with my head, making me forget. Doing shit to my breathing. My stomach. My, ahem, parts of the lady variety. He looks into my eyes, and I can’t hide. It doesn’t take him long to react. “If this isn’t something you want, Ruby, stop me now.”

His warm palms slide from my neck to my cheeks to guide my face to his. I don’t resist. It’s been years since I’ve felt his mouth on mine, and I want to know if it’s as good as I remember.

Oh. Hell. It’s better. It takes maybe three seconds for me to rearrange my body so I’m straddling his lap and grinding myself against him. My hands wander over his strong chest and shoulders. Up his neck and into his long hair. His lips break apart from mine and drag across my jaw, my neck and just behind my ear. To that spot that seems to have a direct line to my clit. Gamóto.

I pull his hair harder, trying to position his mouth right where I want it, when I feel one of his hands slide from my ass, up to the front waistband of my leggings. I don’t stop him when his fingers dip inside and touch me. I’m so freakin’ wet, it’s ridiculous. He slides inside easily, and I ride his hand. For some reason, I lose all ability to think straight around Knox. If I don't want to tear his head off, it's his clothes. There's just something about him that makes me act irrationally. Usually without my clothes on. In no time at all, I’m shaking and murmuring his name. God, I haven’t orgasmed this hard in years. Barry has never… oh shit. Barry. I completely fucking forgot about my boyfriend. Well, I guess my ex-boyfriend, but still. We were together no less than two hours ago, and I certainly wouldn’t appreciate him acting this way. Especially if we’re going to get back together. I feel Knox searching my face. I can’t meet his eyes, but I know the second he reads me. He doesn’t bother to hide the disappointment in his expression as he slides his hand out of my pants.

“I’m sorry, Knox. I can’t.” I’m a shitty person.

“Yeah. Let me guess; timing, right?” It seems the time for us is never right.

“Story of my life,” I manage to choke out as I climb off of his lap. I’m already crying again. Jesus, I’m a mess, but I need to distance myself from Knox. Clearly, I have zero will power right now. I take a step backward.

“Knox…” I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just gonna say it. “Barry and I are on a break. But we’re probably getting back together. He wants to marry me. I’m just fucked up over my mom right now.” I take another step back because I can feel anger radiating off of him. Knox doesn’t scare me; I know he’d never hurt me. Physically.

I’m more worried about my actions. I don’t like seeing him like this. I can’t explain it, but I have the strongest compulsion to console him. I’ve wavered between love and hate so much with him over the years, it’s hard to say how I feel about him now, but it’s somewhere in the middle. My heart is beating fast; it also feels like it’s in a vice. How does he make me feel like this? We haven’t even spoken in months.

“You’re getting back together with him? He’s a total douche. You know that, right?” I mean, I guess some people would think that about him. But he loves me. We may not have a perfect relationship, but he cares about me. At least, I think he does.

“He’s what you want?” Is he? I’m angry with Barry, but do I want things to be over for good? I’m not sure, so I shrug my shoulders, not trusting myself to speak.

“Do you love him?” His eyes burn into mine. I don’t know what I feel for him anymore. I thought it was love, but, right now, I’m confused. I’ve never felt for Barry what I just felt with Knox. What I used to feel for Knox. Not feeling anything would be easy, but this uncertainty is killing me. Do I love Barry? Want to spend my life with Barry?

“I don’t know how I feel anymore.” I see the faintest glimmer of hope shine in his eyes. “But I owe it to him, and to me, to try,” then I watch as that light in his eyes flickers out. I did that. I hurt him. I realize I just said the same thing about a relationship with Barry that he said about Brit years ago. And I worry that I broke him like he did me.

Not having the option of going back, of possibly losing Knox forever, breaks my heart a little. I thought it happened long ago, but it just happened again. And the realization that, yet again, it is my fault, makes me ten times sadder than when I said goodbye to Barry a couple hours ago. I don’t know what that says about me or what I’m doing. I do know that I feel like the shittiest person to ever walk the earth. I can’t seem to feel what I think I should be feeling about a man I’m supposed to love, but I have such a strong emotional pull toward someone that I’ve sworn repeatedly I hate. I’m so fucked up.

“I’m sorry, Knox. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m confused. I don’t want you to feel like I used you. It’s not my intention to hurt you. I just… I can’t… right now.”

He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens them, they’re filled with a sadness that guts me. “I just want you to be happy, Ruby. I hope you know that. I’ve only ever wanted your happiness.” He turns and walks back into his grandfather’s garage, shutting the door. Closing me off from him. Probably for the last time.

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