Page 17 of Trash Talk

Chapter 10

Knox- 1 week later

I’ve been handling my classes remotely for a week. My coaches and professors have been pretty cool about it. I’ve just been emailing my work and getting notes from a couple friends. Graham isn’t functioning right now. He’s blaming himself. Like he could’ve stopped lightning from striking the barn and causing the fire. Like he could’ve somehow saved his dad or helped his brother. Everett’s doing the same thing. He was at home, asleep with his wife in their cabin on the property when the fire started. By the time he heard the commotion and saw the flames, it was too late.

Their mom and sister have been nonstop crying. Sawyer’s just a kid, a few years older than I was when I lost my parents. Mrs. Freeman hasn’t left her room in days. Not even to eat. Em brought her trays of food and tea and sat with her for hours. She didn’t know what else to do. Graham’s been pushing her away. But she’s refusing to leave. He finally yelled at her today to go back to school. He’s worried she’ll miss too much. But he also needs to break down, and he can’t do that with her here. He doesn’t want her to see it. I know exactly what it looks like. Its ugly. But necessary. Em gets it too. She understands that everyone’s different; we all grieve in different ways. It’s why she left this morning. She’s staying at the vineyard until Sunday then riding back to school with me. Graham hasn’t said when or if he plans on coming back. I’m trying to talk him into filing for a hardship to see if he can finish out the year remotely. It’s our senior year. We’re less than three months away from graduating. He’s too busy lashing out at everyone right now. He’s just so angry. Believe me, I get it.

I’m stepping up (allowing him to feel whatever he needs to feel) and helping Everett with the arrangements. Wyatt’s still in the hospital in a medically induced coma. A horse trampled him as they were escaping. On top of the burns on his arm and back, his brain was also swelling; he’s going to miss the funeral tomorrow.

With all the chaos and sorrow filling the house, I was looking forward to my evening chats with Ruby. She’s been busy this week. They had two away games, so she’s traveling. Her distance is more than physical though. She’s pulling away from me, and I don’t have any idea how to stop it. She’s coming down tomorrow, so we might get a minute alone. We need to talk.

“So.” I’ve got Ruby all to myself. We’re sitting on her front porch, not touching despite the close quarters. She sighs loudly.

“I’m sorry Knox. I know I’ve been distant this week. I’ve just had a lot to think about.”

“Me too.” And it’s true. I thought about her; us. But I was also dealing with everything at the Freemans too, and on top of that I had schoolwork to get done. I’ve been walking a lot more on my boot than I should, and my foot is fucking killing me. I should prop it up right now, but I need to have this conversation.

“I think,” she stops. And even though I know what’s coming, I sit and wait patiently for her to crush me. “I think we’re moving too fast. We just started being friends again a few months ago, and now we’re having sex and you want a relationship, and you’re already bossing me around.”

Wait a second; “How am I bossing you around?”

“You just told me what to do after we found out about Graham’s dad. I knew I should’ve been here for Em this week, but y’all made the decision for me. Em I can understand. She wasn’t thinking clearly. She was just reacting…”

I cut her off. “And my actions are inexcusable? Cyrus was like a father to me after I lost mine. I was trying to make things easier for you. I knew how much you had going on this week. His death has been tough on everyone. And I would’ve loved to have you here with me, but you didn’t need to be here. I thought I was doing what was best."

“And I thought when we made up a few months ago, I made you promise me that you wouldn’t make decisions for me anymore. You took the choice away from me, Knox. And while I may have come to the same conclusion, it wasn’t yours to make. It was mine. We just started having sex and you want a relationship and your first step is to break a promise you made to me. If I let you make this choice, how many others will you make for me? Will it always be like that?”

“Ruby, I’m sorry.” Dumbfounded by my own actions I really have nothing else to say. And even though my intentions were pure, I did exactly what she’s accusing me of. It’s just so hard to love someone and not try to shield them from pain. And this week has been painful. She probably would’ve been a great comfort to not just me, but Emma too. I fucked up. But she’s also fucking up. I made a mistake, and she’s using it to pull away. “I…”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for this Knox.”

“Ready for what?” She doesn’t answer. “Us?” She nods. “When do you think you’re gonna be ready, Ruby?” I feel my anger rising. I asked her. She knew what I meant when I said I didn’t want to stop. She told me she wanted me too.

“I don’t know. Maybe… maybe we should just be friends. For now.” Her whispered answer guts me. I’ve waited years for this girl. I finally get her back and she’s not ready? And if she’s not ready now, will she ever be? Will I waste my life waiting for something that may never happen? My brain says move on, but my heart (the stubborn asshole he is) says wait. Fuck that. I’m tired of waiting. I may feel differently tomorrow, but today— I’m pissed.

“Well, if that isn’t just fucking perfect. Way to end my week on a high note.” She recoils at my harsh tone. Even when she was taunting the hell out of me, I never raised my voice to her. “You want to be friends? You’re not ready for more now, and you don’t know when, or if, you’ll ever be ready. I can’t sit here and wait on you anymore. I’ve waited years.” I push myself to stand and take the three steps down to the front walk before turning and saying words I know I’ll regret. “I can’t just be friends with you Ruby. I’m in love with you. But if you can’t honestly say you feel the same way, maybe it’s time for me to move on.”

“Knox, wait. I’m sorry.” She’s taken a step down and we’re at eye level, just a few feet apart. The indecision I see there hurts me on the deepest level. “My dad…”

“Do you love me?” I’m pushing her and I know I shouldn’t. But damnit, can’t she see how much I need to hear her say it?

“I… I…” Fat tears break the dam and roll down her beautiful face, and it’s taking everything in me not to march back up those stairs, grab her and kiss the pain away. But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t even be near her.

“I’m sorry. I can’t be what you want. I need time away from you. Don’t call me. Don’t text me or email me. I don’t know when, or if, I’ll be able to hear your voice without wanting to bash my head through a brick wall.”

“Knox?” Her broken plea along with the tears streaming from her eyes are enough to make me want to reach up and physically shove those words back into my mouth. But they’re out there. I said them. And no matter how much I want to; I can’t take them back. They may be hurtful and hateful, but at least they’re honest.

“Goodbye Ruby.” I hobble away praying she’ll call out my name. Stop me from walking away from her. Tell me she made a mistake. That I’m making a mistake. That she loves me as much as I love her. But I know how stubborn Ruby is. I'm breaking my promise. Again. And I just gave her motivation to ignore me for the rest of her life. And that stubborn girl can hold a grudge for a long fucking time. God, I’m an asshole.

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