Page 55 of How May I Please You

Journey doesn't turn around, but I hear her as quiet sobs escape her mouth against her will. This is the second time I’ve heard her crying, but it doesn't turn me off to her. It makes me love her more. I like seeing her vulnerable. I love knowing that she has a sensitive side that isn't always as cold as ice. Knowing her is all I care about, but there are a couple more questions I need answers to.

“Why didn't you tell me you watched me bury Sierra?” I ask.

Journey doesn't hesitate, finally ready to tell the truth. “I didn't like how it would make me look in your eyes. I watched you in The Black Collar for a long time but … I liked watching you. I’m not even sure it had anything to do with courage. I just liked seeing you, watching the way you moved and how people reacted to you. I couldn't get enough, and while that made sense to me, I knew that you’d lose it if you had any inkling that I was sitting outside your house after you left the club. There was no way to keep myself from looking like a stalker, so I didn't say anything. By the time the investigation started, I was already so enamored with you that I didn't give a fuck about the missing girl. All I wanted was you. I wanted you to want me too, and knowing I had been watching you isn't something that would make you want me. So I made sure Winter didn't get too close while I got as close as I possibly could.”

I nod my head, totally shocked by all of this new information. “Wow. I’m not sure I even know what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything,” says Journey. “I just want you to know that I’m sorry about all of it, especially me plotting on Trey. I realize how fucked up it is for me to disregard how you feel about him just because he upset me. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't forgive me.”

I think about it all, asking myself over and over if I actually do forgive her for what she planned to do to Trey. It’d be easy to say that she crossed a line that there is no coming back from, but saying that would be lying to myself and denying how much I love this woman. She has been through so much and may be the only person on this god-forsaken planet who can relate to me fully. I love Journey, and the truth of the matter is that as much as I like Trey, I could live without him. I can, under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever, live without Journey.

“It’s hard to forgive,” I admit, still caressing her shoulder as her finger slides between my pecs. “But I never asked you to be perfect. If I did, it would make me a hypocrite. Admittedly, I could kill you for what you’ve done, but I love you far too much to ever contemplate being without you. So, I guess I’ll have to do something else.”

“Something else? What do you mean?” Journey asks. “What are you going to do?”

I let out a sigh as I stare straight ahead, a plan taking shape in my mind’s eye.

“You’re always asking me how you can please me. Well, now it’s about how I can please you,” I answer. “I’m going to kill him, Little Devil. I’m going to kill Summers. For you.”

endgame

thirty-four

~ journey ~

I wasn't sure if we would get back to this place. I wronged you, Sir, in the worst way. While I know that I’m different from the average girl walking down the street, there’s no excuse for lying to you. I realize that now. I hope you understand that I’m not used to this. Love. Real love. It’s as foreign to me as kanji characters. I can barely decipher my feelings let alone know what to do with them. You’ve given me something I never thought I could have, and with your guidance, Sir, I am learning.

I’ve made multiple mistakes, but you are the best man I’ve ever known, and you’ve forgiven me. You forced me to my knees and tested my resolve, carving an uppercase E into my flesh and making me bleed for you. It hurt like hell, but no more than knowing I hurt you with my actions. I'm thankful to you for allowing me to be back in your good graces and giving me a chance to prove my commitment. After all of the drama and wrongdoing, you and I are back on solid ground. My knees no longer quiver with fear of what’s coming. Thanks to you, Sir, I’m ready for what’s next.

I watch you finish getting dressed in the bathroom—black sweatpants with a black hoodie—and I can tell from your demeanor that you're serious about this. I’m not sure whether to smile or be terrified, because I know that everything is about to change for us.

I never saw it coming. One minute everything is perfectly fine, the next they’re digging up a body from your backyard and I’m sick with panic. When I saw them lift that box from the ground, I thought for sure that we were finished. Finding Sierra meant the inevitable arrest warrant. It meant time behind bars for you and probably me, too. It meant our time together coming to an end. At least that’s what it was supposed to mean.

“Are you ready?” you ask as you stand at the end of the bed, your bag firmly in hand and a look of focus on your flawless face.

“If you are,” I reply.

You smile, nodding. “I am. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry we’re even in this position. I should've moved the fucking body. It’s my fault this is broken, so I’m going to fix it. Okay?”

Now I nod. “Okay.”

You place a knee on the mattress and lean in to kiss me. Your soft lips are warm and comforting, and I hate that I have to go back to being away from them. I hate all of this, but I’m ready. It is what has to happen.

After our final kiss, you step back and turn around. I watch you walk to the door and place your hand on the knob before looking back at me.

“I’ll see you soon,” you tell me. “I love you, Little Devil.”

I smile. “I love you, too, Sir.”

With a final nod of your head, you turn around and walk out, leaving me in the room all alone.

My thoughts threaten to consume me. Anxiety and fear immediately blossom in my belly and begin to work their way through my veins, threatening to hold me captive, but I don't have time to go still. There is no room for error if I want to make it out of this alive, so I have to stick to my plan.

After waiting twenty minutes and knocking back a few shots from the mini fridge, I swallow hard as my heart races. The alcohol didn't make me any less apprehensive, so instead of getting over it, I’ll have to become one with it. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply, pushing the air out with a whoosh. Then, I pick up the phone.

It rings twice before he answers.

“Detective Monroe,” says Detective Summers. “I didn't expect you to call me. I’ve been looking for you.”

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