Page 14 of Love at a Funeral and Other Awkward Conversations

“I’ll, uh, I’ll get it all tonight and bring it to you tomorrow.” I stand and wave vaguely in his direction, hightailing it out of his office. I think he follows me out, but I don’t pay much attention, focused on my next task on this never-ending list of How to Throw the Perfect Funeral.

I guess I can understand why my dad wants everything done right away with this stuff. Maybe it’ll hurt less, like ripping off a Band-Aid. Stings for only a second, and then it’s better. But Dad’s not the one who is doing the actual ripping. I am. And this hurt can’t be smoothed over with any bandage.

FEBRUARY 17

My mother is impossible to buy gifts for. I call her picky, but she’d argue she’s discerning. Nevertheless, department store perfume and flannel pajamas are not her style, so I usually buy her a coffee mug or something. Raymond, on the other hand, is more creative. He stopped buying Mom gifts long ago and now sponsors a farm animal for an international family in need in her name. A cow in Honduras, goats in India, chickens in Senegal, you get the picture. At first, it was a joke, like look at how materialistic we are to laugh at this, but donation after donation, Raymond proved he wasn’t joking. He was actively improving lives all over the world in our mother’s name. We eventually stopped trying to buy one another gifts, but Raymond kept sponsoring. At one point, he showed me a photo of a family in Cambodia who was thriving because they were able to sell eggs at their local market. Certainly put that leather bag versus suede shoes debate into perspective.

Ray’s funeral service will be this Saturday at the Mancini Funeral Home in Plainfield, NJ. The viewing will be at 9 a.m. with the funeral immediately following. In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to World Vision and sponsor an animal in Raymond’s name. I don’t think there’s anything he’d want more than to have an alpaca named Ray living in the Andes Mountains. That, or Bruce Springsteen concert tickets. We might as well give him one of those things, at least.

#Grief #RaymondStGeorge #TheBoss #LonelyValentine #SponsorAPigFeedAFamily #WorldVision

CHAPTER 6

Iring the doorbell at Shayna’s house and try not to think about how my brother used to live here. When no one answers, I find the spare key Ray had given me “in case of emergencies.” Since I’ve been home, my emergencies have been sleeping off late drunken nights on his couch instead of stumbling back into Mom and Dad’s house.

Opening the door, I find Lara and Lucy among a chaos of toys in the normally immaculate front room. They glance up at me, pausing their play with tiny dolls and even tinier clothes and shoes.

“Hey, girls. Where’s Mommy?”

“Kitchen,” Lucy says, pushing her thick, messy hair back from her face as she goes back to playing. Lara has a knotted ponytail like she slept in it overnight, hair sticking out everywhere, and both girls are still in their pajamas even though it’s after noon. All of this is unusual.

“She’s crying,” Lara says, stealing a miniature brush from Lucy.

I step around them and over a pile of crayons and coloring books splayed out on the floor.

“Mommy says Daddy’s gone and not coming back.”

Lara’s curious voice stops me, and I circle around to them, both staring up at me with their big brown eyes.

I lean down to their level. “No, he’s not coming back.”

“Mommy says he’s in heaven,” Lucy says. “Can I go see him?”

Lara nods in agreement. “Me too?”

I bite my lip, completely out of my element. I don’t have much interaction with children, including my own nieces, something my brother complained about. It’s not that I don’t like them—I love them—it’s just that I’m not great with kids. I think they can smell my fear, and I have no idea how to exit this conversation without making it worse. “No, you can’t go to heaven.”

Lara pouts. “I wanna see Daddy.”

“I know you do, but you can’t.” That was the wrong thing to say—both girls’ eyes round like they’re about to cry. I rub my forehead. “I’m sure your dad wants to see you too, but it wasn’t his choice to go to heaven, and it’s not somewhere you can come back from. Once you go to heaven, you stay there.”

“Why?” Lucy asks.

“Because…” I look around the room, hoping an answer will come to me. “Because heaven is really cool and…fun.”

“Fun? Like Disney World?” Lucy asks. “Is that why Daddy wants to stay?”

“Ooh, can we go back to Disney World?” Lara asks excitedly. “We can ride teacups with Daddy!”

Lucy claps and runs for her Moana doll.

“No, you won’t be able to ride the teacups with Daddy,” I say, floundering in this conversation. “I don’t… Maybe you’ll go to Disney again.” I’d pay for them to go if they would stop asking me questions.

Lara finds her Ariel doll and combs her hair. “Aunt Cassie, know what Ariel’s daddy’s name was?”

“No, what?”

“King Triton. He has a big stick.”

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