Page 65 of Love at a Funeral and Other Awkward Conversations

“Sure,” he says with a grin and spins around to bring the princesses in.

I steady myself with a hand on the counter. They know each other really well, apparently. Enough to bring the goddamn princesses in the back.

“Who’s he?”

“Todd,” she says like it’s no big thing and steps outside with her two friends.

“Todd,” I grumble. “Fucking Todd.”

I don’t know why I’m so upset. The fact that she’s in a relationship with someone who isn’t my brother. Or that she’s happy and I’m not. Or that my brother isn’t here, period. I don’t know. Probably all of it.

She’d told me she was moving on. I understood it then, but seeing it in real life is totally different.

“Come on, everybody!” Shayna waves her arms outside, gathering everyone close. “We have some very special guests here for the birthday girls!”

Todd offers me a bland, closed-lip smile that someone would give any stranger as he makes his way into the kitchen with two young women made up to look like vaguely familiar Disney princesses. They both tilt their heads and give me a practiced wave. I raise my cup to them in a salute.

As the princesses elegantly stride outside, screams erupt, and I plop down on one of the high-backed stools at the eat-in counter. If Ray were here, then he’d probably be dressed up as a prince to match, singing and dancing to his daughters’ delight. I close my eyes to imagine it.

If Ray were here, then I wouldn’t have had to drive my family to this party or be ashamed of the car I bought with my own money.

If Ray were here, then I’d probably try to duck out early, though he’d guilt me into staying, and then further guilt me into taking part in the festivities. But he’s gone, and I have to force myself to do the things he’d want me to.

If Ray were here, then I wouldn’t have to think of these if/then statements.

I inhale a deep breath and make my way outside to snap some pictures of the girls as they twirl with the princesses. My grandparents clap along, and I take a picture of that too. I don’t know what I’ll do with these pictures, but Ray would have played photographer, so…

Trying to busy myself, or at least look like I’m busy, I clear away some garbage and exchange a few pleasantries with Shayna’s parents. I have nothing in common with the other people here and mainly float around the pairs and trios gabbing away about their favorite rosé and vegan lasagna recipes. I watch the princess show in a daze until they finish to a wild round of applause, and I clap on cue.

“Who’s ready for cake?” Shayna asks.

Every hand of every child extends into the air, and she hauls out a big sheet cake. I film a video of Lucy and Lara blowing out their candles. Shayna’s behind them with one arm around the twins and the other around Todd’s waist. For his part, he has one arm around Shayna’s shoulders and one hand on the head of a girl with pigtails, who I assume is his daughter. They’re like a little family.

I want to puke.

Todd picks up a knife to cut the cake, and the three girls dance impatiently.

“I want the purple flower, Daddy!”

I freeze at the term of endearment from Lucy. She called Todd Daddy, and I know my mother’s heard it too because the color has drained from her face.

Fucking Todd.

As my brother’s life erases before my very eyes, I catch Shayna’s attention, and she has the decency to appear a little sheepish, but then her focus darts away from me and back on to the girls. The heat of this weather has nothing on the fire raging inside me. If I could, I’d mold it in my hands and destroy this whole party. But I’ll settle for Shayna.

I rub my mom’s back as she wipes tears from her eyes. Nana shakes her head, muttering things under her breath. Pop’s unaware of everything as he eats cake and ice cream, his hearing aid most likely turned off on purpose. What I wouldn’t give to be him, to be able to avoid the drama. I can’t, so I face it head on and corner Shayna in her living room.

“What the hell?” I blurt out.

“What?”

“What the hell is up with the girls calling Todd Daddy? I mean, Jesus, Ray isn’t even gone a year. Barely even six months!”

She lifts her hands in defense. “Look, I know it’s probably hard for you to?—”

“You are not about to lecture me,” I say, measuring my words. “What’s wrong with you? Raymond is those girls’ daddy. Not Todd!”

Shayna strides close to me, her eyes narrowing, sticking one perfectly trimmed white-and-glitter nail in my face. “First of all, do not yell at me. You are a guest in my house. Second of all, you have no idea what it’s been like for me since your brother died. Those girls need a father figure. If they want to call Todd Daddy because it makes them feel good, I’m not going to stop them.”

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