Page 74 of Edge of Desire

She promised we’d be quieter, but the neighbor came back three more times that night. On his last visit, Melissa answered the door, and after a brief look at her, he scurried down the hall, and we never heard another peep out of him.

In the morning, we both woke up with hammers beating against our skulls. I looked at the clock and flew out of bed, waking Melissa in the process.

“Oh shit! We’re gonna be late. Your lesson starts in thirty minutes, and we need to get your equipment. Hurry and get up and brush your teeth.”

When Melissa rolled off the blow-up mattress, I thought I would die laughing. Her red frizzy hair was all mashed down on one side, but the other side had gained the added volume and came to a point. It looked like a reverse tornado.

“What’s so funny?”

I put on a straight face and said, “Nothing. Get dressed. We have to leave.”

“But you’re not dressed.”

“Oh yeah.” What the hell was wrong with me? I was getting ready to charge out the door to go skiing in my pink-and-black polka-dotted pajamas. Not bothering to take off my pajama bottoms, I pulled on my ski pants and socks. After that, I tossed on a bra, shirt, and another one just in case it was cold. I grabbed my helmet and goggles.

I yelled at Melissa, “Are you ready? Hurry!”

I glanced over at her, and she was rolling around on the blow-up mattress struggling to get into her ski pants that were brightly colored fuchsia and stretchy. Apparently, they weren’t stretchy enough.

“I can’t seem to get into these. They fit when I bought them last week. Do you think the altitude has inflated me?”

“Well, I suppose that’s possible.” I grimaced. “There is such a thing as altitooties.”

“Altitooties?”

“Yeah, it’s tooties from the high altitude.”

“I thought so because I’ve been quite bloated and gassy since I’ve been here.”

Lord, save me. “Can I help?”

“Yeah, how about get behind me and tug the waist.”

“Um, okay.”

I sat behind her on the blow-up and squiggled around to get a good grip on the waistband of her pants. It was no easy feat. “You’re gonna have to scoot back a little because I can’t reach the waist.”

“Okay.” She scooted and I squirmed. Just a bit more and I’d be there. Finally, the waist was in reach, I grabbed it with both hands and pulled. She screeched and I yelled.

“What the hell’s the matter with you?” I asked.

“They’re tight!”

“Don’t be a wimp, dammit. Now come on. On a count of three. One, two, three, pull,” I yelled.

“Brrgghruuppp.”

A deafening blast ripped through the apartment, rattling the windows. Melissa flew forward, tried to stand, but fell back. She landed on top of me, squishing me. I was suffocating, so I shoved her with my hands, ineffectively pushing her off me.

“Mmewissa, gettoffame,” I screamed, only it was completely muffled.

Another huge thunderous boom erupted from her, and she heaved a gigantic sigh. “Ahh, I feel so much better now.”

Of all the ... please, God, send me some kind of message telling me she did not just pass gas on me.

She finally rolled over, stood, and pulled up her pants with ease. “There, they fit perfectly now. See?” She patted her stomach, offered me her hand, and yanked me to my feet.“Well, what are you waiting for?”

My tongue was lodged somewhere between my stomach and knees. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to speak again. Her hand hit the middle of my back and gave me a shove. “Aren’t you going to put on a jacket?”

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