Page 15 of Colby's Lost Binky

“All right.” I stood up and left some bills on the table to cover the check. Side by side, we walked to the car and climbed in. All the sparkle of the evening was gone, and I drove him to his sister’s home instead of mine. He leaned in for a quick kiss and then hopped out and dashed up the driveway to the front door.

I drove home…sad but wiser. Time to slow things down.

Chapter Eleven

Colby

It was no shock to me that my lack of a job and income came between Barrister and me. I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. And Chained? Sure it was bound to come up, given the things we both enjoyed, but I really hadn’t expected him to bring up the club this quickly.

I probably should have. It wasn’t like either of us hid our kinks from each other, and it was both local and had a great reputation. Heck, we’d met at a munch. I’d been in denial, thinking we could avoid the conversation. Still, I guess I thought maybe there’d have been a way for me to just ignore that part of things until I was more on my feet, until I had a steady job, a steady income, and my own place.

The look on his face when I turned him down—it crushed me. I wanted to just say I’d not only go, but there was nothing I desired more. To show him I’d be exactly who he really needed me to be instead of some loser on his sister’s couch who couldn’t afford to even park there.

A split second before I turned him down, I even saw what outfit I wanted to wear. Not that I had it anymore. It was one of the many that I left behind. But I imagined it on me— bitty teal short shorts, an adorable onesie, and a cropped top because he liked looking at the start of my happy trail. I’d caught him doing it more than once, and any chance I had to show it off, I planned to take advantage of.

But for now, it couldn’t be my reality. I didn’t even have enough money in savings for the security check I’m sure they ran, much less becoming a full member or even getting a day pass. That was if they even did day passes anymore. More and more clubs had stopped offering them. When they allowed single day entries, some communities considered them less of a private club and more of a restaurant. Or at least that was how it was explained to me. I didn’t fully grasp the logistics of it. It never really impacted me enough to look too far into it. But regardless, day passes were getting far and few between.

Now that I was home, and the dust had settled, I was in full-on panic mode. I’d rejected Barrister. Sure, that hadn’t been my intent, but that was what he heard and experienced, so did my intentions matter at all? Not really. In hindsight, I should’ve been honest out of the gate and, instead of declining him, explained why I was turning down the offer.

Who wants to tell your date you’re too poor to do the things they like to do though? I didn’t. And I let that pride get in the way. Now, he was hurt. I was hurt. Everything sucked.

I needed my binky and jam-jams and cuddles and a stuffie. Only one of those things was attainable, and that it was thanks to Barrister somehow made the entire situation that much worse.

My sister and my nephew were already asleep when I got home. It wasn’t super late, but she had the morning shift, and his bedtime was when many people were still eating dinner. So much for venting to my sister and then hoping for some sage advice.

It was probably time for me to get ready for bed. Nothing would be accomplished by staying up other than overthinking and regret. I threw on some pajamas, brushed my teeth, and went to my bed slash couch. As couches went, it was really comfortable, and I’d hoped that wrapping myself up with the quilt while I sucked on my binky would get me to dreamland quickly. All my problems would be there in the morning. There was no reason to perseverate on them now.

Only, when I climbed into my makeshift bed, I couldn’t get comfortable. I rolled from one side to the other and back again. I was restless—so very restless, my mind going a mile a minute.

I took my binky and popped it into my mouth, sucking on it, rubbing the cloth between my fingers, trying to comfort myself, to self-soothe my way to sleep.

It didn’t work. I was just as restless as when I lay down in the first place. Possibly more so. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the hurt that had crossed Barrister’s face when I rejected him.

Why couldn’t I just have just pushed my embarrassment to the side and been up front with him? He might not have liked it, but he’d have accepted it and not taken it personally.

What I really needed was some time and a little space. But even if I had my favorite outfits here, it wasn’t the right place to do so. My sister could walk in at any time, or, worse, my nephew. Until I had true privacy, I was stuck being big. I didn’t love it, but there wasn’t much I could do about it.

It was better if I just pushed through. Eventually, I’d fall asleep, and tomorrow was a new day—or however that saying went. The problem was the more tired I became, the more the desire for being little came out until I could no longer ignore it or push it to the side. It was front and center on everything.

I took out my phone and called the one person I shouldn’t. Barrister. He picked up on the first ring.

“Is everything okay?” No anger. No trace of being hurt. Nope, his first thought was to inquire how I was. It was sweet, but also it came with a side of unintended guilt.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m fine.” Sort of, kind of, not really. “I was just wondering if maybe I could—maybe… I need some time to be in another headspace.” My sister wasn’t someone who would stand at the door eavesdropping. She wasn’t going to be listening to my conversation, and even if she wanted to, she was asleep. Still, I was whispering in code or riddles or whatever my word salad was turning into.

“Did you need to come here for the night?” he asked, not even mincing words. I appreciated it. I didn’t need a daddy who would only address issues once they were too big to handle. Not that he was my daddy. We’d just met…sort of.

“I do. I mean… I can’t really…but I also can. Can I just come over, please?”

“My sweet boy, of course you can come over.” And just like that, he showed me how much he put me first. I didn’t want to need him to do that, but also… It was fun.

“I’m sorry about before.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he assured me. “Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, I’m gonna drive.” It was late enough there’d be no traffic so to speak. Might as well keep that truck going.

“Okay, well, I’ll be here when you get here.”

---