Page 69 of Savage Desires

Kisten leads me to a different lane twice as long as the first one. He hands me a shotgun that feels unwieldy in my hands. He corrects my stance and tells me to bring the stock to my cheek and then move it to my shoulder. I follow his instructions carefully. I take several deep breaths before I pull the trigger. The bang is loud with the earmuffs; I can't imagine how loud it would be without them.

Once again, my aim was true. I listened when Kisten advised me to go for center mass with a shotgun, and there's an impressive hole in the paper right in the middle of the chest. I shoot the shotgun a couple more times. He has me switch to different shells, trying out slugs, buckshot, and birdshot. I admit the buckshot and birdshot are kind of fun. Seeing the spray of pellets is satisfying. I can see why people like them, but it's definitely not my gun of choice. We move on to the rifles, and I'm just as lucky with my aim on those. The AK-47 is loud and intimidating-looking but really fun to shoot. I decide that I need to have one.

We're putting everything away and chatting about which firearms I prefer and the ones I don't like when T.J. comes in with a confused expression, maybe even a little angry.

"I thought you said she'd never shot before," he barks accusingly.

"She hadn't. Other than killing a security guard the night she escaped, she'd never even held a gun," Kisten says.

"Bullshit. There's no way. I watched her hit every fucking target every time. She didn't miss even with the rifles."

I clench my hands in front of me and look down. T.J. is agitated and yelling. Logically, I know he's not yelling at me, and he's not going to get violent, but his body language and tone send me into survival mode.

Be small and quiet. Don't look up. Don't draw attention. I'm stuck in a loop of all the times other men yelled before using their fists or worse. The room disappears, and I'm back in my safe place inside my head. I can't be hurt here. I can be aware of my body and go through the motions, but nothing can touch the real me. I'm locked away safe.

I'm jerked out of my mind when strong arms wrap around me from behind. Even though I know I'll be sorry afterward, I react instinctually instead of complying. I throw back my elbow and stomp on my attacker's foot. He lets out a curse, and I throw my head back for a headbutt that my attacker dodges even though he's still holding me. I scream and thrash in his arms, but he doesn't release me.

In fact, he's holding me tighter than I've ever been held before… except for one other time… Kisten. He held me like this. Not to hurt me but to protect me from hurting myself as I lashed out. Slowly, awareness trickles back. I can barely make out his soothing voice over the sound of my heart beating frantically in my ears.

"Shh. It's okay, beauty. You're safe. I've got you, Willow…"

He repeats the same phrases over and over. Each word tugs at me to get out of the trauma loop I'm trapped in. I focus on Kisten's voice and matching my erratic breaths to his steady ones. It feels like hours pass before the panic recedes completely. I'm limp in Kisten's arms. If he were to let go, I would fall to the floor like a puppet with cut strings.

"Are you back with me, love?" Kisten asks softly.

"Yes," I croak. My throat is sore as if I've been screaming.

He switches his hold, somehow picking me up bridal style without letting go. He carries me to one of the chairs and sits with me curled on his lap. He holds me close, his warm palm rubbing my back.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened…" I whisper, feeling ashamed.

"You don't have to apologize, love. T.J. was yelling and scared you. It happens."

"Did I hurt you?"

He chuckles warmly. "No, love. Knocked the wind out of me with that pointy elbow of yours, and my toes might be a little bruised, but that's it. I'm not an easy man to hurt."

I bury my face in his shoulder, embarrassed and heartbroken that I lashed out at Kisten. I hate that I hurt him even if he's okay.

There's a shuffling noise to my left, and I look over to see T.J. leaning against the wall, watching me sadly. The cocky man I met earlier is gone. There's no teasing smile, and his blue eyes that had a glint of humor in them are remorseful. He triggered my episode with his aggression, but it's not his fault.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Willow. I wasn't thinking…" T.J. says.

"It's not your fault. You didn't know I would react like that. Hell, I didn't even know I would react that way."

Kisten kisses my temple. "It's not unusual for people with your history."

I sigh deeply. "I don't want to fall apart whenever a man raises his voice."

"It'll get better. You've been through hell, and you've only had a few days to process. You're bound to have a few triggers pop up. We'll work through them," Kisten says encouragingly.

"What if I get triggered and panic on Saturday?" I ask, voicing my newest fear.

"You won't," Kisten says with complete confidence.

"How do you know?"

"I watched you that night at the mansion. You were calm and did what needed doing, no matter how scared you were. Even though Lexis led you through the woods, you were the leader. You were the one they followed even while you were behind them, watching their backs."

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