Page 8 of Shattered Wings

This has been one of the hardest days of my life. I lost Jax, but what I didn’t realize was that I lost him a long time ago. It’s my fault. It has to be. His gun keeps calling my name. Eventually I’m going to snap. I can feel it in my bones. I keep telling myself that I just need to worry about Blake, to focus on her. The hard part is that whenever I look at her beautiful little cherub face, all I see is Jaxon. She’s the spitting image of her daddy. My sweet girl doesn’t understand that her daddy is never coming back home. How do you explain death to such a young child? I’m at a loss for words. She’s been asking when Jaxon is coming home. Each time she does, I break down. I have to go into my bedroom or bathroom, lock the door, and just cry my eyes out. My world is spinning. There’s no doubt that I’m spiraling. If only I had something to numb this pain that I’m feeling deep down in my chest. Why does it hurt so badly? Knowing that Jax didn’t really love me should make me feel different, but it doesn’t. If he loved me, then he wouldn’t have cheated on me and destroyed this family.

Being underneath everyone’s scrutiny like this feels like they are pointing the finger at me. Don’t worry, I blame myself too. I feel naked and violated at the same time. It feels like spiders are crawling all over me, burrowing skin deep. Maybe that’s just from all the people staring. Sitting in the front row is like being under a microscope, and my anxiety flares up a notch. The thought that I’m going to have to watch Jaxon’s casket get lowered into the ground while sitting this close makes me sick to my stomach. And I know that most of these people probably don’t know what Jaxon was doing in his free time, but I do, and that makes it all hurt even more.

There are so many people here with us today. All of these people loved Jaxon. Both of our moms came together. So many of the guys from his unit are here, too. I bet they knew he was fucking around. As I’m looking around, I catch Lachlan out of the corner of my eye. He’s sitting a few rows back. I wonder why he hasn’t come up to me yet? I hope he isn’t pitying me. That’s the last thing I want. Continuing my survey of the crowd, I see someone that I definitely wasn’t expecting here. Christina is here and sitting right next to her is none other than Ben. What the fuck is going on there? Christina glances up and sees me staring at her. Her face twists into a scowl, and then she smirks, placing her hand on her belly and rubbing. She fucking smirks at me. Like this is some kind of joke. What a bitch. She is one of the reasons that my entire life has been turned upside down. I may be sweet, meek even, but if she wasn’t pregnant, I’d slap that smirk off her face. Turning back around in my chair, I focus on the continuation of the service.

The bagpipes play. The sound is melodic, eerie, and down right heart breaking. As they play, they walk away from the gravesite. Goosebumps trail down my spine. There’s a tingling pressure at the back of my eyes, but I will not cry. I will not cry. Jax doesn’t deserve my tears right now. What I deserve is answers.

The pastor begins the eulogy as the last note ends. “We are here today to celebrate the life of an amazing man. Jaxon McBride was a beloved husband, father, son, and friend. In his brief life, he accomplished more than most people his age do. Everyone that knew him, knows the man that he was. He loved his family, and he loved them hard. There’s nothing he wouldn’t have done for them. He dedicated himself to his job. His love for our country is insurmountable. Jaxon’s absence will be deeply felt, beyond what words can describe.”

I don’t know if I can continue to sit here and listen to the pastor talk about how great Jax was. He was a good man until he wasn’t. All the bitter sweet lies that he told sit sour on my tongue, as bile rises up my throat. I’m going to be sick. None of these people truly knew Jaxon. Hell, I thought I knew the real him, but that was all a fucking lie. I’m so disgusted. Fuck, I need to get myself tested. I swear if he gave me something, I’m going to go to hell and beat his ass. But first, I’ll beat that bitch’s ass. The nerve of her to show up here.

The pastor drones on and on, and I continue to tune him out. Our moms and Blake need my support right now, and I’ll be damned if I let them down. I won’t tarnish the memory they have of him, either. All his secrets will simmer and eat at my soul day by day. But they’ll be secrets. I’ll take them to my grave if I have to. All I know is that I won’t hurt our mother’s, the women that have loved and cared for us our entire lives. Learning about what Jaxon has done would destroy both of our mothers. Lena raised him to be a good man. She would be devastated. And I most certainly won’t hurt my daughter. She deserves better than that.

The eulogy ending brings me out of my thoughts. Gun shots sound off and I almost jump out of my skin. Shot after shot rings out in the sunless afternoon sky, echoing off the surrounding trees. Rain drops lightly hit my cheeks, cooling my overheated skin. Each shot makes me inwardly flinch, and I hold on to Blakely even tighter. Fat tears are rolling down her rosy cheeks. My baby is terrified right now. She’s never heard gunshots before.

When the last shot rings out, they take their time to remove and fold the flag from the casket. In the next instance, someone in uniform is standing before me. “On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army, and a grateful Nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.” Taking the flag and placing it in my lap, I can’t hold it in any longer. Tears stream down my face as sobs wrack my body. This can’t be the end. Why did he have to leave me? How could he do this to our daughter?

“Thank you so much,” I say. There’s nothing else to be said. This is our ending. I need to work on making a better and brighter future for myself and my daughter. They slowly lower Jaxon’s casket into the ground. That’s when it all really hits home. The tears that were falling, pick up into a steady, never-ending stream. Chest heaving, I squeeze my eyes shut tightly. Maybe if I close my eyes, this will all have been a dream when I reopen them.

“I wish I may; I wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight.”

But this isn’t a fairytale, so there’s no sense in wishing because it wouldn’t come true, anyway. No one will grant wishes, especially not mine.

Illiana

We need to leave. I need to take Blakely and get the hell out of here before I’m accosted by someone that I don’t want to talk to. That someone being Christina. I see the looks she’s been throwing my way. The last thing I need today is a confrontation, especially in front of my child, because when it happens, it’s going to be nasty. Grabbing Blake’s hand, I rise, holding the flag in the other. My mom and Lena follow us as we walk towards their car. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Christina and Ben slowly approaching us. Not today, Satan!

“Illiana, we need to have a chat!” Christina yells. This whore chooses today of all days to chat. I think the fuck not. I don’t have time for her bullshit.

Stopping in my tracks, “Mom, can you and Lena please take Blakely to the car? I will be there in just a minute.” Mom gives me a weary look, but nods, takes the flag that I’m handing her, and does as I asked.

“Christina, I have nothing to say to you. Nothing at all. Take whatever conversation you want to have and shove it up your ass.” Stupid bitch just gives me a smug look. How the hell can she be so smug, considering what today is?

“Awe poor little Lia. You poor, pitiful woman. It’s no wonder why Jax was fucking me and not you. I bet it’s killing you. I’m pregnant with his baby and what are you left with? Knowing that he left you at home alone all the time to come to me, to fuck me. He loved me, ya know?” This woman is utterly disgusting.

“If he loved you so much, then why did he stay married to me?” And that does it. She snarls and reaches forward like she’s about to slap me. Before she can get to me, Ben is pulling her back into his hold.

“That’s what I thought, bitch! You were just an easy fuck. I was the woman that he came home to. I got to wear his ring. What did you get to wear? Oh, I know! You got to wear his come, just like the cheap slut you are. Such a shame, really. I feel sorry for your baby, though,” I say, smirking.

“You fucking bitch!” she yells out. The dumb woman is trying her best to get out of Ben’s grasp, but he’s bigger and stronger, so she stands no chance. “You’re going to pay for that. You better watch your back!” Stupid woman!

“I think that’s enough here. Ben, you need to take Christina and get the fuck out of here before we have an even bigger problem than we already do.” Lachlan says as he comes up beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“Who do you think you are, Lachlan? You can’t tell me what to do. We need to have a conversation.” Christina says.

“I understand you need to have some sort of conversation, but now is not the time or place. You better leave before I have you escorted off the premises.”

“Fine! I will leave for now, but this is far from over. You’re going to pay me. It’s the least I deserve. And Jaxon’s baby will be taken care of if it’s the last thing I do.” Ben practically has to drag her away, but she goes. It’s crazy that this was the kind of woman that Jax was cheating on me with. She’s got mental issues or something. No person in their right mind would act like that. She won’t be getting a dime from me. It’s clear by what I’ve seen here today that she isn’t stable enough to have a baby. She’s a selfish bitch. I’ll make sure Jaxon’s baby is taken care of even though he doesn’t deserve a damn thing from me. Thank God mom and Lena got Blakely away as quickly as they did. There’s no doubt in my mind that she would have spewed venom her way as well. No one fucks with my kid. We would have had even bigger issues if that had happened. The problem I have now is that I’m going to have to explain to my mom and Lena what happened and why. Even though I didn’t want to say anything to either of our moms about what Jax did, it appears I’ll have no choice.

“Come on, baby doll. Let’s get you out of here.” Lach is always so sweet to me. I’m so lucky to have him in my life. I’m blessed that he stood by my side all these years.

“Lach, I can’t go back to that house right now. All the memories are eating me alive. It feels like I’m slowly dying day by day.” My eyes sting, as I try in vain to hold in the tears. One ends up escaping anyway. There’s a knot in my throat, making it hard to swallow. That never-ending tightness in my chest just feels like a vice wrapped around my heart.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about that right now. Let’s tell Julie and Lena that I’m going to take you on a drive. I’m sure they won’t have a problem with taking Blake back to your house.” Already shaking my head yes, he grabs my hand and pulls me towards their car.

“Okay, let me go give Blake a hug goodbye.” Lach grabs my hand, leading the rest of the way over to the car. He gives Blakely a kiss on the forehead and then I reach in, giving her a tight squeeze. The confrontation with Christina has frayed my nerves too much. I’m not sure how much more I can handle at this point. If she wasn’t pregnant, I swear I’d beat her fucking ass. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Violence has never been my thing. That woman must be the devil because she brings out a side of myself that I’ve never seen before. At some point, I’m going to have to toughen up, especially if I have to deal with her.

“Hey ladies, do you mind taking Blake home for a little while? I’m going to take Illiana on a drive to see if it will help clear her head. She’s been through a lot today and I don’t think that going back to that house right now will help.” This man has always put me first, above all else. I think I need him more now than I ever thought possible, and that’s not fair to him.

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