Page 3 of Shattered Wings

Lach was my whole support system. Jax would only show up when it suited him, or at least that's how it seemed. Right around nine months later, Blakely Erynn was born on January the eighteenth weighing seven pounds and eight ounces. My beautiful, healthy baby girl was flawless, and she was the spitting image of her father. Jaxon cut the cord while Lach stood next to me, holding my hand, like the good friend he’s always been. When Jax held her for the first time, I could see the pride shining in his eyes. He ran his finger against her cheek and told her that she was a perfect little angel just like her mama. Tears sprang to my eyes because that was the most emotion that I’d seen in him in months, years, if I was being honest with myself.

Because of Lach’s love and support he became Blakely’s godfather. Finally, four years after getting married, we had our beautiful baby girl. If only that could have been a new beginning for us.

Somewhere along the line, I figured I must have fucked up or did something wrong. Maybe he didn’t love me anymore. It made me feel useless, worthless, and inadequate. I despised myself. I’d never been an insecure person, but with the way Jaxon had been treating me, I felt like I was no good. Every single time he’d talk about a woman that he worked with, I’d get so jealous and I didn’t know why. Jax never really went out drinking or partying, so I did not think it was another woman, but it was clearly something. The only thing that I knew I was good at was being a mother. No one could ever say otherwise about that.

Illiana

(THE END IS NEAR)

One day, I was sitting around reading a new book that I had just downloaded to my Kindle while Blakely was sleeping. In it, one of the characters started talking about Colombia and how prostitution was huge over there. Not gonna lie, internally, I started freaking out. He had been acting weird when he came back from over there, but I initially brushed it off. My mind was spinning in circles. I was so nervous that I was shaking uncontrollably and my teeth were chattering. So I did what any logical woman would do—what I should have done to begin with. First, I logged into our checking account and went back to the months that he was gone. We’d been married for about four and a half years at this point. Colombia days seemed like forever ago, a little over two years, to be exact.

Looking at the checking account, it appeared that Jaxon had withdrawn large sums of money from an ATM machine in Colombia. There was a city called Medellín, but that wasn’t the city that he was supposed to have stayed in. Jaxon was supposed to be in a totally different city that was almost ten hours away from Medellín, at least that’s what my internet search came up with. A name popped up that looked like a club, but Google wasn’t much help with that. He had spent thousands of dollars while he was gone, and I didn’t have a clue what he’d spent it on. My mind was reeling. I felt sick to my stomach. Deciding to get out his old laptop that he’d taken with him on his assignment, a haze descended over me. I was trying to keep it together for Blakely.

At this moment, I was honestly scared that I was going to find some crazy ass incriminating evidence. Looking at the search history, I could see that he was logged into social media and sending messages to a few different women. One was someone named Juliana and there was a second girl whose name I can’t quite remember. There was a third name that stuck out as well, Christina. But no…. It couldn’t be the same Christina that I had met when he was in AIT. When I logged into his social media, I couldn’t see anything. There were no messages exchanged with any of them. It was just me and his family and friends. I tried to forget about it; really, I did. But over the years, I let the wounds fester and grow until I felt tarnished on the inside. My heart of hearts knew that he was unfaithful. I just couldn’t prove my suspicions. He always said that if you are questioned about something, deny, deny, deny. No one can prove anything without proof. I was disgusted that he could have possibly done something there, only to come home and get me pregnant. I knew that I didn’t have an STD or anything because they tested me when I was pregnant, but that didn’t help the feelings that I was having.

We had been together since we were sixteen and seventeen years old. I never expected, in a million years, that he would do anything to deliberately hurt me. But I found myself at a place where I was lost and confused. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on. Well, I could have talked to Lachlan, but I did not want to put that on him. It just wouldn’t have been fair. Other people would have probably thought I was crazy. Who knows what my mom would have thought. She was friends with Lena, too. I knew that if I told mom then she’d tell Lena. It would eventually get back to Jax. So I just kept quiet. But the heart just knows when something isn’t right. Besides, Jaxon isn’t a stupid man. The military frowns upon infidelity. You can lose rank, get kicked out. The list is limitless. But maybe Jax just didn’t care.

But still, I stayed, and I played my part as the loving, doting wife and mother. We went to military balls together, couples' retreats with other military couples, and vacations with our families. I did this all the while knowing that my husband had committed the ultimate betrayal, something that I would never be able to forgive him for. I couldn’t prove it yet, but I just knew.God, I was so fucking naive.

Over the years, we moved to so many different places, with tons of deployments, military schools, and training in between. Lach always stayed in touch. He called or texted me almost daily to see how Blakely and I were doing. In all honesty, I probably spent more time during my marriage talking to Lachlan than I did to Jax. Jax was still the same. Nothing changed with him. If anything, he was gone even more.

We lived in Colorado, Texas, North Carolina, and Georgia. Now we’re finally in Florida, living close to Destin. The beauty here was truly remarkable. The best part about living here is that Lachlan lives here, too. Living a stone's throw away from the beach has been a definite perk. When I’m having a shitty day, a walk on the beach helps to ease the ache that’s been building in my chest for years. Something deep in my soul keeps telling me that things are about to change. There’s a foreboding and this time I won’t ignore what my gut tells me.

Throughout the years, I’ve kept my cards close to my chest. I can only hope that my story can help other women one day. You aren’t alone; I can promise you that. Men always say that they get cheated on when they deploy and the women take all the money but I’m here to tell you that’s not always the case. Cheating on my husband has never been an option. I never strayed outside of our marriage. I know I was a good wife. And since our daughter, Blakely, was born three years ago, I know what I’ve been put on this earth to do. I was born to be her mama. And I’ll make damn sure she knows how a man is supposed to treat her. She’ll grow up to love and respect herself enough to know when to say enough is enough. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do is love my husband and be loved in return. Somewhere along the way, things went south. Someone, somewhere, knows the truth, and one day I’ll get answers. I just hope I get them before it’s too late.

Just as the sun crests over the morning clouds, I hear Blakely waking up. Baby girl is ready for her mama to fix her something to eat. My head is a mess this morning. At 0900, Jaxon has to be on the flight line, ready to board a plane that will be taking him away from us. I’ve lost count of how many deployments he’s been on at this point. But each time he leaves me, he comes back a little bit different. I’m not saying it’s PTSD or anything like that, but I do know that I lose another small piece of him each time he leaves.

A stack of military gear is next to the front door. Conticos, filled with his essentials, is already down at the flight line. There will be lots of tears today, but I’m trying to hold them in for as long as I possibly can. After getting Blakely dressed and fed, I get myself ready for the day and then start a pot of coffee and some breakfast for Jax. He will need stuff to tide him over until they get to their first stop. After getting the bacon, eggs, and toast situated, I head into the room to wake him up.

Walking over to the head of the bed, I gently run my fingers through his hair, making him stir lightly. God, I love this man. I’d give anything to have the old Jaxon back. The one who would have done anything within his power to make me happy. But at this point, I don’t think there’s any going back. I’m just hanging on by a thread.

“Jax, baby, it’s time to get up. We’ve got to leave soon and I want to spend some time with you,” I tell him softly.

“Give me ten minutes and I’ll be in the kitchen,” he says. Leaning down, I give him a kiss on the forehead and out of the corner of my eye I notice him squeezing his eyes shut. Not sure what that’s about, I head back into the kitchen and look over to my sweet girl who’s lying in front of the TV, soft music playing in the background. She’s so damn beautiful. She looks like a miniature version of her daddy, with downy soft chocolate brown hair and the brightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I hear the shower turn on, so I go back to finishing up the food.

Jax comes out in ten minutes on the dot, dressed in his OCPs. He sits at the table without saying a word. So I place his food and coffee down in front of him. My stomach is in knots and I don’t think I could eat anything, even if I tried. I know Jax has a lot on his mind. This will be one of many times leaving Blake. She’s still so little and I’m sure he’s not happy about missing her milestones. Maybe he should have tried harder to be a husband and a daddy over the years. She’s always saying or doing something crazy. Blake is a smart little cookie for her age.He’s missed so much but he has no one to blame but himself.

“Illiana,” he says, catching my attention. Looking up at him, he says, “I love you and I love our baby girl more than anything in the world. No matter what happens, I need you to know that.”

I’m not sure why he’s saying it like that, but it’s scaring the shit out of me. “We love you too, Jax. I love you so much. I always have and I always will.” A look of regret crosses his face, but as quickly as it comes, it leaves.

“Blakely, come sit on Daddy’s lap. I need all the cuddles before I have to leave.” There’s a tremor in his voice that I haven’t heard in all the years we’ve been together. His eyes are glistening, like tears are about to fall. I haven’t seen him cry since I was a sick teenager. Just as quickly as they appear, he blinks them away. It’s like the man can’t show any freaking emotions. It’s okay to cry. Why do men think they can’t show their spouse, the person they love how they truly feel?

“I love ya dada,” Blakely says. He leans down to press feather-soft kisses against her forehead. I remember when he used to treat me like that. Now I’m lucky if I get kissed at all. He’s a good father when he’s actually around, though, and that’s all that matters. But is it, though? Is that the only thing that matters? Lachlan has been more of a daddy to her than Jaxon has.

“I love you too, my beautiful princess. Be a good girl for mommy.” He looks up at me and gives me a half-smile. He continues to hold her like his life depends on it. And with that, I clear the table. Putting the dishes in the sink too clean later.

I watch Jax slowly sit Blakely down on the floor and she runs off back to the TV. He walks up behind me, caging me in against the counter. The warmth of his breath causes goosebumps to trail down my arms.

“I love you, Illiana. I’ve been a piece of shit. I haven’t treated you the way you deserve to be treated. I know all of those things. And I will have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. But I love you and our daughter more than anything or anyone else in the entire world. I promise that I’m going to make it all better. I will do better, and I will be better for this family. When I get back, we’ll go to couples counseling. Fuck, I’ll go to therapy. Anything you want me to do, I’ll do it. I want—this, you and me, our family. With you by my side, we’ll get through this. We can get through anything. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see how fucked up I have been.”

Tears glide down my cheeks upon hearing his admission. He’s never admitted guilt for anything. And to be honest, I’m not sure what he’s admitting right now. But I do hope that he means what he says.

“I love you so damn much, Jax. Please come home to me, to us. We need you. We need all of you. I can’t lose you, baby.” He wraps his arms around my waist, turning me around to face him.

Jax puts both hands on either side of my head, holding my forehead to his. “You won’t ever have to live without me, my sweet, beautiful girl. I’ll always be here.” And then his lips are on mine. It’s like I have been missing these lips for a lifetime. My heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest. Jax slowly slides his tongue across the seam of my lips and I open for him willingly. My senses are overloaded with the scent of mint and spice. I can taste the salty tears on the tip of my tongue. Jax kisses me like he’ll never have the chance to kiss me again. It’s all lips, teeth, and tongue. His mouth is wet and warm as his tongue teases and traces every part of my mouth as though he’s trying to commit it to memory. My core clenches, but I know we don’t have time for that now. It’ll have to wait until he comes back to me. We haven’t kissed like this in years. My heart needed this moment more than he’d ever know. Slowly, he pulls back, and I’m left utterly speechless. My swollen lips are tingling and my emotions are about to get the best of me. Tears sting the back of my eyes, but I hold them in because he doesn’t need to see my tears right now, nor does my baby girl.

Shortly after, we’re out of the house and in the car. It’s not a long drive to the flight line. But in these tense minutes, all I feel is impending doom. There’s just these feelings that I can’t shake. The silence makes things even more tense and this huge knot at the back of my throat just keeps growing, pressing in on me. Keep it together for just a little bit longer, Lia. Jax pulls into the parking lot. After he parks the car, he takes my hand, giving it a tight squeeze. My chest tightens, so I take a deep breath in an attempt to relieve the ache. Squeezing back the tears, I muster a small smile, but I know he sees right through me, he always has.

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