Page 1 of Shattered Wings

Prologue

ILLIANA

You promised me forever. You swore it to the angels that we would spend eternity together. Now all that’s left of you are the memories that we shared and the mistakes that were made.

Watching as your flag-covered casket sits underneath a dark and gloomy sky, raindrops begin to fall, as the priest goes on and on about shit that doesn’t even really matter, has me feeling numb. It feels like someone else has invaded my mind and body.

I just want it all to end. I’d be better off if I took your gun out of its special box and blew my fucking brains out. Would you hate me if I did that? Would it be an unforgivable sin?

Without you, life isn’t worth living. All the pain that I’ve endured ever since I was sixteen years old sure as fuck wasn’t worth it for you to leave me in the end. I’m not fucking worth it. The best thing I ever had was you and, clearly, I couldn’t even do that right. But fuck, I have Blakely. Our sweet, precious baby girl. She’s the only piece of you that I have left.

I can feel eyes on me—so many eyes. They must be blaming me for what happened to you. It’s either that or they pity me. I’m not sure which is worse at this point. They must be wondering why I haven’t shed a single tear today.

All these unanswered questions that I will never have answers to aren’t fair. I fucking need closure that I’ll never be able to get. They wouldn’t even let me see your damn body. Closing my eyes, I take a deep cleansing breath, not that it helps. Let’s get this over with.

Illiana

(SIX MONTHS AGO - THE BEGINNING)

Last night, it took me forever to fall asleep. When I finally drifted off, the nightmares consumed me. An unfamiliar, unsettling sensation churns deep within my gut. There’s been this gnawing feeling ever since I found out about this deployment. My head and my heart are waging a war against each other, and it’s not a feeling that I’m used to. I felt the unspoken goodbye when Jaxon made love to me last night. Things are about to change and I don’t think there will be any coming back from what happens next.

Jaxon Lucas McBride and I have been together since I was sixteen years old. Our mothers, Julie and Lena, were best friends growing up. It was inevitable that their children would become best friends. And that we did. Jax was just a year older than me, but that didn’t matter one bit. Where he went, I went. And anywhere I went, he always followed. That was the way things were.

We both lost our fathers when we were pretty young. Jaxson’s dad passed away during one of his deployments. The military vehicle he was in got ambushed. It ended up flipping over multiple times, landing in a body of water. No one managed to be saved. Everyone in the vehicle drowned to death. My dad didn't really die, but it's felt like that my entire life. When I was seven years old, he up and left. Mom and I haven’t heard from him since. I guess it’s better that way. The only thing he ever gave me was my blue eyes, anyway. If he didn’t want to be part of our family, then we were better off without him.

Over the years, we grew closer and closer, making memories to last a lifetime. It was always a platonic relationship, but neither of us dated anyone else. I'm not sure if we were both secretly waiting for one another, but in the end, I guess we were. Our parents always hoped that we would end up together. What they didn’t realize was that tragedy, of all things, would bring Jax and me together.

When I was sixteen years old, the doctors diagnosed me with leukemia. I fought and fought. I went through treatment after treatment, losing all of my beautiful, long blonde hair in the process. Once the chemo started, I lost parts of my memory, too. There are days where I feel like I’m missing huge parts of my life but as soon the memories try to come through they flutter away. But the one thing I held onto was Jaxon. At one point, I was skin and bones. Every day I was withering away, just a shell of the person I used to be. But not once did Jaxon leave my side. I want to say that Jaxon’s reasons for staying weren’t because he felt obligated to do so, but to this day, I don’t have an answer, and I know I never will.

On one of my many stays in the hospital, Jax told me he loved me. He told me that I was his best friend and the love of his life. Jax swore it on the angels that were working to save my life that he would never leave me. He even gave me a beautiful silver necklace to signify his love. It was stunning, with angel wings encrusted with small diamonds and a heart in the middle. At that moment, it meant the world to me. It still does, if I’m being honest. I haven’t taken it off since he gave it to me seven years ago. A year and a half into my treatments, I went into remission. My memories never came back. I guess that’s an unfortunate side effect. Life changed for the better after that. Five years, I had to stay cancer free for five years. If I managed to surpass that point, there was hope that it wouldn't come back.

Just before Jaxon graduated from high school, he decided to join the Army. He wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father and grandfather. Jax knew that going to college wasn't truly his thing. The thought of losing him scared the shit out of me, but I wanted to support his dreams. After all, he’d supported me when I needed him the most, and I knew with my whole heart that he needed to do this. We spent the entire summer before my senior year of high school making love and promises that I wasn’t sure he could keep. All I could do was pray that no matter what, we would always find our way back to one another.

On a rainy Saturday morning in Beaufort, South Carolina, I stood outside the bus station along with his family and mine to watch him get on a bus headed for basic training in Georgia. We hugged and kissed and made even more promises; all the while, tears were streaming down my face. Once again, he swore on the angels that he would love me forever. That was our thing, swearing on the angels. It might seem cliche, but he believed the angels would always save us, keep us together.

The following Monday, I started my senior year at Beaufort High. Without Jax by my side, it was a struggle. I was fortunate enough to have my other best friend, Lexa, with me. She made my senior year bearable. We did things that normal kids usually do, and I got a job at the local movie theater to pass the time. Jax and I wrote letters constantly. He’d tell me about his days and I’d tell him about mine. We poured our souls into those letters. At least I know I did mine. In case he called, I always kept my cell phone on me. I wouldn’t go anywhere in our podunk town that I knew didn’t have cell reception. I knew that it was my job to hurry up and wait for him to come back home.

Jax was in Georgia for nine weeks for his basic training. He said it was one of the most difficult times of his life. In all the years we had known each other, Jax had never been away from me or his family for that long. And I understood because life was difficult without seeing him every day.

Both of our families made the five-hour drive to see him graduate. We were all so damn proud of him and what he had accomplished. I had Lexa help me pick out the most beautiful white sundress because I wanted to impress my man. After formation, Jax and his platoon were released, and he came running over to us with the biggest smile on his face. His longer chocolate-brown hair, which I loved to run my fingers through, was no longer there. He had his hair shaved close to his scalp. Jax was still as beautiful as ever, with those blue eyes that sparkled like the depths of the ocean when he looked down at me. He wasn’t a boy anymore, he was a man. His body was more toned and muscular than it had been our entire lives.

Jax picked me up like I weighed nothing and spun me around, telling me how much he missed me and that he loved me so much. When he finally put me back on my feet, he captured my lips in a kiss that left me breathless. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small silver ring with interconnected hearts, and placed it on my ring finger, giving it a kiss. I will never forget what he said to me that day.

“I promise to love you for the rest of my life, my beautiful girl. Please wear this promise ring as a sign of my love and devotion. Once I’m done with all of my training, I want us to get married and start a family,” he said with a glimmer in his eye.

“I’d love nothing more than to marry you, Jaxon. When I get to marry you, it will be the happiest day of my life. I can’t wait to be a mama to your blue-eyed babies,” I replied. And I meant what I said from the bottom of my heart.

I’ve never loved anyone the way that I loved him. All of my firsts were with him. I knew without a doubt that I wanted all of my lasts to be with him too. I’d spend the rest of my life as a happy woman, as long as I had him by my side. He had a heart of gold. Jax was the best man that I’d ever known. I knew he would love me and protect my heart. After all, he swore it on the angels and that meant something to both of us.

After all the hugs and kisses were out of the way, he introduced us to some of his battle buddies, as he called them. Lachlan and Ben were super sweet and very polite. Both guys looked familiar but I couldn’t place where I would have known them from. I just brushed it off at that point. But I could have sworn that they looked at me like they knew who I was. The chemo treatments came with this fogginess that messed with my memory. And again, I was annoyed at the loss of memory, but there was nothing I could do about it. So I didn’t put too much thought into where I’d seen them. Both guys were also raised in the South. You could tell by the manners that those boys had. It seemed like they had become very close throughout their time together. I had Lexa, so I was happy that it seemed like he had two new, amazing best friends.

Jax and I had one magical night before he had to leave for AIT or advanced individual training for his special job in the Army. We spent the night wrapped in each other's arms. We made love until the sun was cresting above the clouds. He kept telling me how much he loved me and that I was his favorite person in the entire world. I had no reason to doubt his love for me ever, so I believed him. In my heart, I knew that I’d believe anything this man told me. I meant more to him than anything in the world, and he was bound and determined to prove it. He didn’t know that he already had. He proved it time and time again. Actions always spoke louder than words.

Yet again, we put him on a bus and he was off to another military installation in Georgia. He spent twenty-one weeks doing his training. Things were a lot easier at that point. We could talk on the phone often and I could even drive down to see him when he got passes for the weekend. Ben and Lachlan were always around, too. I had genuinely grown to like those two. There were females always hanging around as well. Any time I came to visit one girl in particular, Christina, she always sneered at me. It was confusing, but I paid her no mind. The situation always made me feel like something was off. Given that we were both strangers, there was no justification for the hostility. I always just brushed it off, never mentioning it to Jax because I did not want to be the one to cause any unnecessary drama. I saw the looks that she gave Jax, though. When she’d come near, he would tense up almost immediately. She always made snide remarks, but either Jax just wanted to ignore her or he didn’t hear what she was saying.

Right around the time I was graduating from high school, Jaxon was finishing up his AIT. He surprised me by showing up at graduation. I was happy to see him, but it was weird that he didn’t tell me when his AIT graduation was or else I would have gone. Despite thinking it was strange, I remained silent about it. I really wanted to be there to support him, knowing that graduating from AIT was an extremely special moment for him. He was always there for my milestones, so I wanted to be there for him, too. In the end I was just happy to see him.

Out in the middle of the football field with all our friends and family surrounding us, Jaxon got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Without hesitation, I said, “Yes!” I’d loved this boy for my whole life. I was convinced that living without him was impossible. The months of separation were a testament to our bond. Jax was the other half of my soul. My love for him was deeper than anything I’d ever known.

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