Page 11 of Shattered Wings

Be happy! You deserve it more than anyone that I know. Please save a small space in your heart for me. When Blakely is older, tell her the truth. But try to keep my memory alive with her for just a little while. I bought her a bear before I left. It’s hidden at the top of the closet in my office. When she squeezes it, it’ll be my voice telling her how much I love her.

I love you, Illiana. Please never forget that. One day, when the time is right, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Yours Always

-Jax

Illiana

Sitting on Lach’s patio, looking out as the moon shines brightly on the ocean, waves crashing on the shore, salt staining my cheeks from all the tears I cried, I can feel Jaxon all around me. He’s in my head. That letter fucking destroyed me. I swear I could feel him sitting right here next to me while I was reading it. There was a lingering scent of his cologne present in the humid Florida air, mint and spice all around me. I know it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but I swear he’s alive, not just in my head, but in my heart. He’s running through my damn veins. Maybe he’s the poison and not me. I feel infected from the inside out. It just doesn’t feel like he’s gone. If he was truly gone, wouldn’t I feel it in my heart, in my fucking soul? Someone please help me. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. My baby girl shouldn’t have to grow up without her daddy. He should fucking be here to help me deal with the shit that he’s caused.

One thought that keeps drifting through my head is that he said Lachlan loves me. How the hell can he say that, especially while writing me a letter like that? Of course, he loves me. We’ve been best friends for years. I love him too. That kiss we shared earlier should not have happened, though. Don’t get me wrong, it makes me feel some kind of way. Butterflies took flight in my stomach, wings fluttering to an unstoppable beat. It’s not right though. Lach was one of Jaxon’s best friends. I feel like it’s a disgrace to his memory, and doing it on the day of Jaxon’s funeral has me all sorts of fucked up. That can’t happen again. It won’t! I refuse to go down that path again. But the kiss was so damn tender and his lips were so fucking soft. I’ve never had a kiss like that, not even with Jax.

I’m a good woman and I know that, but how could he ever think about asking me to take care of a baby that he created with another woman? Christina is a conniving snake and I do feel sorry for her baby, but… I don’t know if I can do that for him. Why would I do anything for him when all he did was ruin me, ruin us, ruin what we had? The fact that I already knew all about his cheating and didn’t get to confront him is eating at me. It’s slowly destroying me. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop. What the fuck! I should have listened to my gut all of those years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Don’t think like that because you wouldn’t have Blakely. But I can’t help thinking about the what ifs. He took my decisions away from me when he withheld the truth. I deserved to know. And there’s no doubt in my mind that if I knew, I would have left his ass. I wasn’t raised to tolerate a man who disrespects me and cheats on me. Seeing how my dad treated my mom, I made a promise to myself that I would never let a man treat me like that. Not that I can remember much of anything. But I’ve heard all the stories from Auntie Lena. Fuck, Lena is going to be destroyed by what her son has done.

There will be life after him. I don’t know how I’ll survive it, but I will make damned sure it happens, for me and for Blakely. I won’t let this destroy me.

“You okay out here, baby doll?” Damn, I didn’t even hear the door opening. Wiping my cheeks, I slowly turn to look over my shoulder. Lach looks tense as fuck, hands clenched at his sides. Knowing him like I do, he looks super freaking pissed off and if I had to guess why, I’d say it’s because of this letter. He’s never wanted to see me hurt or upset.

Packing away all of my thoughts for later, I say “I’m okay for now but could you please take me home Lach?”

“Yeah, come on, let’s get you home to Blake. It’s late, and she’s probably asleep, but I know you need to make sure she’s alright.” Lach holds out his hand for me and I accept it willingly. When I rise, he pulls me into a tight embrace. All of my thoughts and pain vanish, if only for just a moment, suspended in time. But it’s a moment that I desperately needed. Melting into his grasp, I take a deep breath, inhaling his calming scent of sandalwood and vanilla, letting its effects wash over me, and then I step back, letting him go. A tortured expression crosses his face, but it’s gone in an instant. If I wouldn’t have been paying attention, then I would not have even seen it. There’s a harsh coldness that washes over me, but I push my thoughts about it away. It’s a thought to analyze another time.

So caught up in my own thoughts, I almost trip on a wooden slat on the deck. Lachlan’s reflexes are lightning fast. He reaches out with a quickness, keeping me on my feet. Holding onto me, he kisses the top of my head and then whispers, “be careful baby doll. Wouldn’t want you getting yourself hurt.” The deep timber of his voice causes goosebumps to pop up all over my arms and a shiver trails down my spine. Damn him and his touch, his voice, his everything. I need to get away from Lach before I do something that I can’t take back, something that I’m certainly not ready for.

“I’ll be more careful,” I whisper softly. He just nods and opens the patio door. We head through the condo, then out the front door. Before I know it, we’re back in his truck and headed to my house. Luckily, it’s pretty late at night. During this time of year traffic can get ridiculous with all the out of towners here on vacation. It takes about twenty minutes to get to my house on Okaloosa Island. Pulling up, I’m immediately consumed with dread. Walking into this house, surrounded by all of his things, is beyond painful each time I have to do it. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to do this, to live here in a house that’s haunted by his ghost.

“Thanks for the ride, Lach. I will call or text you later. Right now, I just don’t have the mental capacity to talk about the stuff that we need to discuss. I’ll grab my clothes and shoes from your house later. Love ya.” Opening the truck door, I hop out and close the door behind me before he can say anything or try to stop me. He sits in the driveway until I’m inside the house. As I’m locking my door, I can see the lights from his truck backing out of the driveway.

Leaning my back against the door, I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut. I dread sleeping in my bed, in a bed where I slept with HIM, where I know he fucked HER too. It’s a total mind fuck. Looking down to slide my slippers on, my eyes catch on a well-worn pair of Jaxon’s army boots. In an instance, my world collapses all around me. This pain will never end. With his boots sitting by the door, it makes me feel like I’m just waiting for him to come home, waiting for his feet to fill these boots once more. Please save me. God, I need someone to save me from this pain that I feel deep down in my soul. Where’s this God that I’ve believed in for so many years? “HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?” The God that I’ve been led to believe in isn’t supposed to ever give you more than you can handle. Well…here I am begging for someone to help me because this is definitely more than I can handle. I’m just not strong enough. The need for something to help numb the pain is at an all-time high. Since I found out about Jaxon cheating on me, I’ve drank more wine than I ever have in my entire life. Wine isn’t what I need tonight, though. But first I need to tuck in my baby girl. It’s my job to make sure that she’s safe now.

Heading into Blake’s room, she’s snuggled up with her teddy bear. Shit, Jax left her a teddy bear. Running out of Blakely’s room and into Jaxon’s office, I have one thing on my mind. I need to get the teddy bear and put it in the bed next to her. She needs to wake up with that bear next to her in the morning. Opening his office door, I just stand and stare into the darkness. The smell of his cologne lingers. It’s stronger than it was the last time I was in here. Damn my mind for playing tricks on me. It’s almost like he’s sitting in his office chair, waiting for me to give him a hug like I’ve done for years. But I know that’s not true. I’m stuck dealing with the aftermath of his betrayal, and it cuts deep. Finally, taking a step into the room, I walk over to the closet, flip the light switch and stop in my tracks. I could have sworn that Jax had military gear in here, but there’s nothing. My mind is really fucking with me now. But I don’t have time to dissect where his gear has gone, nor do I fucking care. Reaching up to the top shelf, I can see the bear’s legs sticking out from behind a box. In my haste to get the bear down, I knock the box to the floor. I don’t look to see what the contents of the box are. That’s a problem for another day. Right now, my focus is on this damn teddy bear. Grabbing the bear’s foot, I pull it down and clutch it to my chest. What’s wrong with you? Don’t do it. It’s just going to make you hurt even more. I know what you’re thinking, Illiana. Don’t do it! Please don’t do it. But I guess I’m a glutton for punishment because I squeeze the damn bear’s chest. Jaxon’s voice fills the room. “Always remember that daddy loves you, my sweet little angel baby. You are the light of my life.” I press it again and again, needing to hear his voice one more time.

“I fucking hate you for doing this to me, Jaxon McBride,” I sob. Hugging the bear close to me as I cry. Tears fall down my face and my body shakes as my cries turn into wracking sobs. Move, Illiana, get the fuck out of this room. You can do it. Be strong. Be strong for you and Blakely. Finally, listening to myself for once in my goddamn life, I flip the light switch off, and leave the room, closing the door behind me. Walking across the hall to Blake’s room, I quietly sneak in and put the teddy bear right next to her little sleeping body. She looks so fucking peaceful. If only it would always stay that way. After laying the bear down, I walk out of her room and quietly close the door behind me.

Walking down to the kitchen, and grabbing my wine from the fridge, I set it on the counter while I grab a glass. Actually, a glass will not be enough for me tonight. Setting the glass down on the counter, I pick up the bottle and head to my bedroom. It’s time to numb my pain the best way I know how. “Wait, a second. Didn’t you have pain pills from when you hurt your knee, Jax? You’d put them in the medicine cabinet, away from Blake.” Setting my wine down on the nightstand, and going into the bathroom, I open up the medicine cabinet and, sitting right in front of my face, is a bottle full of pain killers. “It’s practically full because you didn’t enjoy taking them. You always had to have a clear head, didn’t you? Maybe you needed a clear head to keep all of your lies straight.”

Opening the bottle, I pour two white tablets into my palm. You need to numb the pain, Illiana. Laying the pills on the counter, I close the bottle and then shut the cabinet. Picking up the pills off the counter and flipping off the light switch, I move over to my nightstand. It’s now or never! Twisting the cork out with my teeth, I pop the pills into my mouth and down it with the wine. One sip isn’t enough, so I chug and chug until the bottle is empty. It wasn’t completely full to begin with because I had a glass last night. But it’s enough to do the trick. After setting the bottle back on the nightstand, I pull the pants off Lach gave me and then pull the blanket down on the bed. My head’s swimming already and it hasn’t even been twenty minutes. Closing my eyes, I see visions of myself on my wedding day, the look of pure happiness on Jaxon’s face, and then I turn to look at Lachlan. He looks sad, so so sad, but I’m too numb to care right now. This feeling, this is what I need, completely and totally numb. As thoughts of Lach’s sad face drift off into nothingness, I succumb to a deep, dark sleep where nothing can ever hurt me again.

Lachlan

Ellie is breaking my fucking heart. Leaving her has never been easy, but I’ve always had to keep my feelings in check. Tonight though, after that kiss, I didn’t want to take her home and I damn sure didn’t like the feeling in my chest when she got out of my truck and walked through her front door. As I pull away, the ache is deeper, tighter, more painful than it’s ever been before. It could be because Jaxon is gone and in the back of my mind I feel like I finally have a chance with her. I feel like shit for saying that, but I’ve wanted this woman since I was a fucking kid. But my instinct tells me that there’s something wrong. I’ve never been one to ignore my intuition. Remi, my buddy on base, owes me a few favors, so I need to hit him up for some help. Jaxon was clearly worried about Ben for a reason. And I need to get to the bottom of it before it drives me crazy. I haven’t been able to forget about him telling me to protect her and keep her safe. I’d do it anyway, but there’s got to be a bigger reason for him saying that, something that I’m clearly missing.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have her, to protect her, to love her. I can give her the kind of love that she’s never had before. If I’m being honest, I can see my unborn children in those blue cotton candy spun eyes. I know that’s cliche as fuck, and I’ve never been a cliche kind of man. But all my thoughts go out the window where Ellie is concerned. There’s this deep yearning inside of my soul. I need her to want me, to love me, to desire me the way I do her. I’ll take care of her until my dying day if she’d let me.

Ellie is a stubborn woman. She doesn’t give in easily. But when she loves, she does it with her whole fucking heart. She’s the kind of person that would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. Too many times over the years, I’ve seen Jax use and abuse the love and trust that she so freely gave him. He’s such a motherfucking piece of shit. I hate to talk bad about the dead, but he was a shit husband. Hell, he wasn’t even a wonderful dad. He never spent quality time with Blakely. He was too busy playing video games in his dumbass ‘man cave’ or off fucking other women, to be a real husband and dad. What kind of man spends all day playing games when he’s off work? I’d be a better father to Blakely than he ever was. And honestly, if I have my way, that’s exactly what I intend to do. They’re going to be mine. Jaxon be damned.

I can’t give up, won’t give up on taking what I want. The need to make this woman mine has me feeling like a feral animal. When she pulled me into her and kissed me, fucking kissed me, it make my cock hard as a rock. I could instantly feel pre-cum leaking from the tip. When she walked away, I had to secretly squeeze my dick to alleviate some of the ache. My hands wanted to roam her body so badly, and one day, they will. I’ll make sure of it. My tongue wanted to stroke hers just a little deeper, a little longer, but I didn’t want to freak her out. She was taking the lead. I’ll always let her take the lead. But once she gives me full control, all bets will be off. You can bet your ass that I will treat that sexy little body how it deserves to be treated, just like the queen she is. That pretty little pink pussy is going to come so fucking hard once I get my tongue on it. Her pleasure will come first, always.

Doesn’t she know how I feel? Can’t she see it? I know she’s not blind. She must have been suspicious over the years. It wouldn’t surprise me if Jaxon even knew that I had feelings for her. All the times she needed someone, I was there for her. She hardly called him when she needed help with anything. Hell, she called me to get her a pregnancy test when she thought she was pregnant with Blakely. Most women would call their husbands first. But she isn’t just any woman. She’s so damn special. Ellie is one of the smartest women I know. Well, aside from Jaxon. That douchebag just pulled the wool over her eyes. But I’ll make her see sense soon enough.

My phone ringing pulls me out of my thoughts. Remi’s calling. I guess his ears were burning.

Pressing the answer button on the steering wheel, Remi’s voice comes through the speakers. He doesn’t even give me a moment to say hello before he’s saying, “LACHLAN…Hey man! Are you busy?” He’s a fool, but I love his crazy ass.

“Nah man, I’m not busy. What’s up?” From the background noise, it sounds like he’s out at the bar.

“I’ve been out at the tiki bar for a few hours now. I just saw the craziest shit, and I figured I should let you know.” Him and his crazy stories. He’s always calling me to tell me something ridiculous.

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