Page 7 of Shattered Wings

“You’re going to make it, Jax. So you can give it to her yourself.” He’s talking crazy right now. How does he want me to help Ellie? His eyes start rolling into the back of his head right as searing pain hits me right on the side of my head. That fucking hurt. Hot, sticky blood pours down my face as black spots dot my vision.

“Get us the fuck out of here,” I yell before everything goes black…

Summer in the South doesn’t get any better than this. Football, parties, and beautiful girls in bikinis. What more could a guy my age need? Taking a deep cleansing breath, inhaling the salt air, I grab my cup of beer off the outdoor bar, and look towards the pool. I’m at my friend Ben’s house, right on the Coast. The views here are amazing. The sun is just setting, and the last remnants of light make it look like it’s dipping into the ocean.

My little sister, Ava, is at this party. I tried my hardest to keep her at home, but she refused. It’s not in my best interest for her to see the type of antics my buddies and I get up to. She’s a freshman in high school now, so she thinks she’s grown. I’ll be beating asses at Beaufort Creek Academy for the next few years. I’ve already warned them off of her but I see their stares. There’s a chance I’ll be kicking someone’s ass before the end of the night.

Looking past Ava, I see one of her best friends, Lexa, in the pool. She’s leaning on the ledge with a drink in her hand, talking with the girl next to her. I can’t see her face from here. She has a head full of the longest blonde hair I’ve ever seen. And then she turns around. My breath catches in my throat. Damn, she’s beautiful. The setting sun is casting a glow around her, giving her an angelic look. Her tan skin glistens as water droplets trail down between her perfect breasts. My cock takes notice because it twitches in my swim shorts. Fuck, she’s perfect. The things I could do to her.

She glances up at me and the most beautiful smile graces her face. My lips lift up in a small smirk and she blushes. Her cheeks turn the perfect shade of pink as the blush travels down her chest. I’d really like to see how far that blush travels, but it’s hard to see with her in the water.

I need to know this girl. My feet start moving on their own accord, pushing me in her direction. At this point, I couldn’t stop if I wanted to. Reaching the edge of the pool, Lexa looks up at me with a big smile on her face, but I’m not here for her.

Glancing over at her friend, I say, “Who’s your friend, Lexa?” She doesn’t look thrilled with my question, though. Her lips turn down in a frown. Nonetheless, she answers me.

“This is my friend, Illiana. She’s never been to one of these parties before, so I figured that I’d bring her. I wanted her to meet Ava, too.” Lexa has been corrupting Ava for years. She’s definitely not the best influence.

Illiana speaks up before I have a chance to say anything else. “My name is Illiana but all my friends call me Lia.” Looking down at her, my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. No one has ever made me feel like this before. Just one glance into those blue cotton candy spun hues tells me just how innocent and perfect she is. Staring into her eyes feels like I'm staring into my own soul, if that’s even possible.

“My name is Lachlan, but you can call me Lach. All my friends do.” I say with a wink.

“Keep Ben away from her. Keep Ben away from her. Keep Ben away from her.”

Beep…Beep…Beep… What the hell is all that beeping for? My alarm doesn’t sound like that. All I know is that my damn head is pounding. Looking around, I see that I’m in a hospital. The strong scent of antiseptic has bile rising to the back of my throat. It’s so overwhelming that I feel like I’m going to be so sick.

What the fuck happened to me? The last thing I remember is us being out on a mission…a mission…a mission. Oh fuck, Jax! Machines start blaring. People start pouring into the room. My chest feels tight and sweat beads on my forehead. Shit, is this what a heart attack feels like? My hands are shaking and it sounds like blood is whooshing in my ears.

“Sir…Sir I’m going to need you to calm down.” How the fuck am I supposed to calm down right now?

“Do you know where you are?” It’s obvious that I’m at a hospital, but I don’t know anything else at the moment.

All I can think about is Jax. I just give her a slight nod and she continues. “You’re in Germany. You were brought in three days ago.” Three days ago! “You had a gunshot wound to the head, more like a deep graze. It wasn’t serious, but we’ve kept you asleep to help your body heal. You did black out before they could get you out of there. Keeping you out was the best option, considering all the stress your body has been through.”

“Where’s McBride? I need to see him.” If I don’t see Jax, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

She gives me a pitiful look and I know what’s coming before she even says anything. “I’m sorry, sir, but Sergeant McBride didn’t make it. They were able to revive him, but he passed en route to the hospital. We did everything we could, but we couldn’t save him. He just lost too much blood. I’m so sorry for your loss.” Sorry for my loss? What about his damn wife and kid? How’s this fair? I should have been able to save him. I know he would have done all he needed to do to save me.

Tears that I didn’t know I was capable of shedding fall from my eyes. This is my fault. I didn’t save him. I should have saved him. It should have been me. Ellie needs him. Blakely needs her daddy. They are going to hate me. Fuck, I hate myself. How am I ever supposed to face them again? Keep Ben away from her. That’s one of the last things that Jax asked me to do. No matter what, I’ll make sure I keep her and Blake safe, even though I don’t know what I’m keeping them safe from.

Jaxon

(A LITTLE OVER TWO WEEKS AGO)

Thousands of miles separate me from my heart. That’s what Lia is, she’s one half of my heart and our baby girl is the other. I see her in my dreams, she’s crying and broken. I did that to her. In my heart, I know that I’ve ruined everything and there’s probably no going back. Fuck my life. Deployments and being away from home have never been this hard before. Guess I was too busy thinking with my dick for distance to matter, and that’s the problem. She was at home being a good wife, while I was being a dumbass. So many people say that wives are the ones who cheat when their husbands are away. I’m proof for all the idiots who say that. Not all the wives cheat. I have had an amazing woman by my side since we were just teenagers, and I took it for granted. Secrets and lies, they’ve destroyed me piece by piece.

My soul is unbelievably tarnished. I’m disgusted with the things that I have done. There are some things that Ellie could potentially forgive me for. But there’s one huge thing that I know she’ll never forgive me for. If she finds out what I’ve done, she will hate me. There will be no coming back from what I’ve done, and I can’t blame her. I just can’t be the one to tell her. Knowing that it’ll hurt her more than anything I’ve ever done breaks my heart. All it took was one phone call a few weeks before this deployment. Talking to them changed everything. Everything I’ve ever thought, ever known. Then I went and spoke to the chaplain. I thought that he was going to judge me. I’d judge myself too. For once in my damn life, I had a man set me on the right path. It’ll be too late for me. In the end, I know that.

We’re coming up on the end of this deployment. It’s been a long five and a half months. Being away from Lia and Blakely has made me realize how fucked up I’ve been all these years. Honestly, I realized before deployment, but I was too much of a coward. I wasn’t man enough to correct some of the wrongs I’ve done. I have treated Lia like shit for a very long time. She’s never deserved my lies or cheating. Lia deserves better than me, but there’s no way I’ll ever be able to let her go. I’m a worthless, selfish piece of shit, though. I should have told her the truth years ago. She has to be suspicious of me and my behavior. I swore to myself that when I got back home, I’d make a real effort. I want to change. I need to change. I have to tell her the truth, even if it kills me and destroys what we have for good. If I hadn't listened to Ben all those years ago, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation right now. I can’t blame anyone but myself, though. Every single fucked up thing that I’ve ever done is all my fault. I’ve done even more than Ben and Lach know about. I’m so damn disgusted with myself.

Christina keeps messaging me, telling me that she’s pregnant. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth. All I know is that she’s been trying to get me away from Lia for years. She wasn’t the only one, either. Chris was just a warm hole to stick my dick in. I’ve never loved her, never wanted more with her or anyone else, for that matter. I sure as hell never wanted to leave my wife for her. That shit would never happen in a million years. If she is pregnant with my baby, I’m fucked. There’s no going back from that. Lia will leave me and never look back. Shit I’m already fucked if she finds out what else I’ve done. I wouldn’t blame her for it, though. I know I’m a hypocrite, but I couldn’t be with her if she cheated on me. I’ve been her one and only. No one’s ever been between those perfect tan thighs or tasted that perfect pussy besides me. I’m going to hell.

I’ve been sitting on my bunk for hours now. The need to put pen to paper is eating at me. Something in my heart is telling me that I need to write Lia a letter sooner rather than later. We’ve been waiting on intel about a high value target for a while now. Once we get what we need, we’ll be kicking down doors. But something hasn’t been sitting well with me for a while now, before we even deployed. And if I’m being honest, my head is just not in the game.

If I don’t do this now, I probably never will. If something were to happen to me, my angel needs to know the truth, the parts I can tell her at least.

Illiana, my dear, sweet angel. There are so many things that I need to tell you. If you are receiving this letter, that means that I won’t be coming home from this deployment. I tried, I really did. And I can’t possibly tell you how sorry I am for not making it back to you….

Illiana

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