Page 54 of Second Chance Mates

Astroke of warm sunlight hits my face as I slowly stir from my sleep. My hands lift to rub my eyes, and I slump back into the pillows. I feel somewhat better than yesterday. My body still feels psychologically and physically exhausted, but after my conversation with Jaxon, things felt more doable.

Most hugs say nothing at all, but hugs from Jaxon say a million different things. They might be silent, but I can hear them. Even if the last thing I wanted to do was give into the bond, I can’t refuse myself calmness, especially when it feels authentic.

I swipe the sheets from my body and stand on achy legs. My arms lift above my head, and I stretch out to my maximum capacity. I glance down at my bedside table to find a note with a few words scribbled down.

Never forget how strong you are

Jax

I blink at the paper and take it in my hands. A small zap rushes down my spine when I pick it up, like an electrical current that tightens our bond.

My hands press the small note to my chest, and I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. I already know that flashbacks and panic attacks are always going to be a part of my life. They’re embedded into my veins. Yesterday was the first time in forever I felt like I wasn’t alone in this dark era.

It was nearly impossible to tell Jax I didn’t want him to leave. But when I saw him walking out that door, I couldn’t bear the thought of actually being alone—especially if those thoughts came back.

I don’t want to hurt myself, but sometimes, it’s like my body has been taken over, and I have zero control. The pain is so torturous that I’d rather make myself suffer than deal with my loud thoughts. I don’t necessarily want to end everything, but I get carried away. It’s so easy to give in to the pain.

Deep inside my heart, I want to give myself as much self-love as possible. I’ve been deprived of it for such a long time. I’ve forgotten what looking after yourself actually looks like. I want to get better; I just don’t know if I’m physically capable of doing so.

I look at Jax’s message again. Strong. Strong. I am far from it.

My fingers smooth out the note as I pin it back down to my bedside table. I might be in need of reading that later. I know it’s only a few words, but it means more to me than I could’ve known.

After getting dressed and shoving my hair up into a ponytail, I head downstairs for something to eat. My stomach growls at me. I don’t remember the last time I ate.

I peek my head inside Jaxon’s private kitchen to find it empty. My shoulders droop in relief as I step inside and work my way around the fridge and the cupboards to throw something together.

Once I’ve toasted a slice of bread and buttered it, I raise it to my lips to take the first bite. The hairs on the back of my neck stand, and my eyes focus on the counter ahead of me. This feeling isn’t like when Jaxon is around; it feels like danger…like trouble.

A tall figure appears in the kitchen doorway, and in a flash, I glance over. “Hey, Ava.” Kayden’s voice traps me in a frozen stance. “How are you?”

I follow him with my eyes like a hawk as he walks towards the coffee machine. My heart pounds against my ribcage so loudly I can hear it in my ears. My fingers seize up around the piece of toast, and I struggle to swallow what’s in my mouth.

Just because he’s a Beta, doesn’t mean he’s bad, I remind myself.

Kayden turns around when I say nothing. “Sorry if I startled you,” he adds gently. “Even if I am heavy on my feet. Do you want a coffee?”

I can’t respond. I can’t even move.

Fear paralyses every inch of my body, and I drop my toast to the floor. It hits the ground with a pathetic splat.

“Ava?” Kayden sounds concerned now.

Breathe, Ava. Breathe, I chant in my head. He’s harmless. He’s harmless. At least, I think he’s harmless.

My knees wobble, and I know it won’t be long until they give out. I’m barely standing as it is. “Take a seat.” He rushes forward to pull out a stool. “For the love of the Goddess, please do not pass out on me.”

I can’t guarantee it.

My backside hits the chair before my ankles snap. I try to push through the cloud my head is currently in. Everything is so hazy. Oh, God. Why? I want it to stop. Please. Stop.

“Here.” Kayden is in front of me again and is passing me a glass of water. “It might help.”

I raise a shaky hand to take it. My body knows better than I do. My fingers latch around the glass, and I tilt it towards my lips. Kayden doesn’t release the cup, and I’m relieved. It would have smashed within seconds.

The water is cold and delicious but does nothing to make my creeping panic attack go away. I pull back the glass, and Kayden places it on the counter before levelling his brown eyes with mine. “Are you feeling okay? You’re really pale, and I’m slightly terrified.”

I gasp silently. He’s so damn close. My throat seizes up.

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